Sunday, December 2, 2012

Nothing new

So life has been pretty much boring to say the least. It consists of working what seems like everyday and when not working drinking copious amounts of alcohol. I do have to say that I like my job. I like it a lot more than Haggar. I am coming up on the one year anniversary of my departure from the company. I was there for almost nine yrs. Its funny how time flies. I don't really have anything bugging me at the moment. I just really need to get my finances under control. I spend way too much money on ridiculous shit. I made two materialistic purchases which are pretty uncharacteristic of me. I brought a 39in tv just for the hell of it and a fancy watch to replace the one that was stolen. I want to buy my ticket to Florida and head down to see Kevo. I still got to figure all that shit out. Well I usually write an end of the year post but i still have some time on that one.


Monday, November 12, 2012

Show me the money

I took the money instead of walking away. I literally sold out. I don't feel bad though. I feel like i made the right decision. I think only time will tell that. I just wanted a quick update. Ill probably update some more later. 

Monday, October 1, 2012

Retail

Different companies will have different philosophies. Retail management for the most part stays consistent. I have done it for about a 3rd of my life. I am extremely comfortable with several things. I make OK money for myself. My work load is dependent on myself and if I continue to follow the company line, I undoubtedly will have a store within a year or so.

Where is the problem? Is it the consistency? Is it the lack of challenges that retail presents?  I am not sure. One of my best friends told me that his boss wanted to meet me. He wanted to offer me a job. I told him I wanted to meet with him. His boss is an interesting guy. After the initial meeting I felt a great deal of my core principles challenged. I couldn't articulate what set me apart in a retail setting. He wasn't looking at my resume, he was trying to figure out who I was as a person. He was just basing everything off of my friends recommendation. He asked me what I wanted and I felt the words spill out of my mouth. I said quite candidly that I wanted control over my life. Being an assistant manager I have much more less control than I did as store manager. As a friend pointed out it, I was/am a cog in a machine. I think its time I stop being a cog.  He was amazed I stayed at Haggar for 35k a year after being with the company for 9 yrs. I am not knocking Haggar, they made me into the man I am today. I gave them 9yrs of my life. I gave 10yrs to retail in general.

I always dreamed of moving on and taking my skills and talents to manage something else. This new job opportunity is partly that. There are several things, I would indeed bring to the table but I would also have a whole lot to learn. I feel the upside and potential here outweighs my current career path. I think my growth as a person would be substantial because I am going out of my comfort zone and making a bold life move while I am still young. Isn't that what this is all about. Keep learning. Keep moving forward. Keep progressing.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Friendship

I've posted numerous blog post on my friends. My friends are family to me. The good the bad the ugly we have each others back with animalistic like fierce. We have gotten older. Some of us are wiser. Some of us are crazier. Some of us are no longer here. I'm writing this post just to say simply to all my friends past and present, I love you.  If we dont talk anymore or seldomly that I still love you. 

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Bible College

Earlier this year I was pretty set on going to bible college. I wanted to learn the "church ops" field if there is such a thing. This kind of relates to my earlier post about dreams. I really believed in this goal. Something happened and I literally lost the taste and desire for God and the bible college. My life is pretty interesting. The opportunities and chances that are afforded to me are almost incalculable.   I'm disappointed in myself for letting something else slip through the cracks. I honestly am afraid of speaking about anything else out loud for a fear of a conscious self delusion. How fuck is that. I'm afraid to dream because I know in the end it will mean nothing. I guess that's why I've enjoyed watching the dreams of others. I've enjoyed the sidelines even though I may piss and moan about it. I'm not even depressed so I couldn't even say that's the reason for the apparent mental anguish.  I really wish I knew the remedy for this. What was it for Neo? Taking the blue or red pill. Somethings gotta give. Some mental epiphany.

Dreams

Just sitting here and watching breaking bad in my Aunts living room. I'm enjoying the relaxation and just personal day. I've been pretty restless the last couple of weeks. My friends have noticed mild changes especially coming with an idgaf attitude. I'm really upset I'm not in school right now but I don't know if that's really really what I want. I was kind of inspired by a person who is spending next year just living out her dream. The funny thing about dreams is that most people just have one. One dream is what people usually hang onto. The hardest thing for me is trying to find one dream. One thing to put all my energy behind. I'm really starting to think I'm a dream junkie. I just want to do it all. I just want to accomplish everything. We as people are limitless but often times it is that limitless that limits us.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Elizabeth

My car was broken into twice. They really didn't get much but got lucky. I want to get out of the hood but I do love being here. I just wish things like this didn't happen. This puts a black eye on a community that otherwise should be proud. I remember the way I felt when my granny got car jacked. Man I was out for blood. I think it was a bunch of kids that got into my car which is even worse. Its worse because it starts this small for them and then they upgrade and do bigger and worse crimes. They need mentors or a stronger family structure. I am glad that God has given more and shown me more existed than the block I lived on. I'm going to start praying for my hood.


Sunday, August 26, 2012

Time

I never seem to have enough time and it bothers me. That was probably the main reason for this post but now I don't really feel like elaborating on that.  Granny is in the hospital again. That makes me mad because I just want her to be well already. I saw childhood photos today and my granny looked absolutely stunning. Those pictures definitely reminded me of a simpler time. Life is pretty complex right now. It definitely is throwing me a couple of curve balls. I have recently noticed a change in my personality. Its almost a regression in a way. Before CT I always knew I was kind of an asshole and CT definitely softened me up. Now that I am back in Jersey, I feel that asshole creeping back in. I don't mind it one bit though. That guy for a lack of a better phrase had a heart to succeed. He was about that life. CT Ant was very complacent. Complacency really bothers me for some reason. Oh well I'm tired now and try to elaborate on these thoughts another day.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Tired

Work has been pretty interesting as of late but I want more. I really feel like I've been spinning my wheels. I'm not depress just feeling blah.  I described the feeling to Shaun as I just want it all. If any of you watch Mad Men I compared it to when Don Draper talks to Dow Chemical and tells them they are not happy because they don't it all. I want it all. I want more. I have felt that burning and mounting title for years but now it feels LeBron like in pressure.
I feel like I need to make a move. I don't think its school though. I think i need to make a name for myself doing something. Something big.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Hi My name is Anthony.

I went to an AA meeting today. It was pretty interesting. I like these group of guys. I really really want to be sober or at least not drink as much. I think the best thing about it, was these guys knew exactly what I was talking about. They could relate. They could identify. The stories they had were extremely powerful. I was very hesitant to write this post because lets be honest. I do have a drink problem that I have struggled for years with. Its funny because one of the guys said its not your problem more like your solution. Your solution for good days your solution for bad days and etc. I want more out of life. I want to reconnect with God. I want to find my path again. I think i am going to go to the meetings when I can. They said don't set long term goals. Its all about the next 24 hours.   Lets see what the next 24hrs have in stored for me.

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Update

There has not been much that has been going in my life. Nothing really crazy. There are a couple of outlandish typical Anthonyesque stories but I will save that for another time.

I guess something recent that happen was that a friend asked me to a sperm donor for her child. It definitely shocked me. I love this girl but I feel that she would be making a crazy life decision at such a young age. I know that she is pretty bitter about love and has a couple of failed relationships but that is no reason to give up on love. Most of my friends call me the romantic and that I wear my heart on my sleeve and blah blah blah. I think its because as I am cynical about the world, I am quite the opposite when it comes to love. I think that people often times don't take a chance on anything and go out of their way to play it safe when they shouldn't. I told her to pray about it first and I will pray about it to really really think things threw. The ramifications of this would be long lasting and quite significant.

The other thing that happen of worth was that my great aunt died. It is crazy because a lot of people said they were sorry for my lost and the immediate response was "No its ok, I really didnt like her". My cousins were really heart broken and I am close to them so I did feel bad for their lost but I do remember the dark and hateful things their grandmother has done to my grandmother. I know as a Christian I am called to forgive but man that woman is up there with the devil himself. It was heart wrenching to say the least to watch my grandmother go threw so much pain over the death of her sister. After we buried her sister, my grandmother's sister in law wanted us to take care of my grandmother's arrangements. We know this is a little messed up and morbid but from a logistical and practical standpoint it was a good decision. My grandmother picked out her card her casket and things that she wanted read and other weird odd and ends. Every time I think about my grandmother dying it really really makes my heart ache. While we were there my Aunt told her she couldn't pass away until her daughters give her grandchildren. My grandmother threw in that she wouldn't pass away until she knew I was married with a woman who cooked and clean for me. I love her so much. Shes so crazy but I love her.

Sunday, July 1, 2012

A conversation between mother and son

My mother is beyond the craziest woman on this planet. I went to go see my grandmother today and her and my Aunt from Georgia have been pestering about taking them to go see my mother for quite some time. I finally cave today. I did not have any real plans so I said sure why not. I already know that this trip is going to end with me pissed off and my mother cackling like the witch from the Wizard of Oz.

I tried calling her and she didn't answer her phone. We get down there and I remember where her old apartment is but not her new one. I am already angry at this point. I get her new apt info from one of her friends. I knock on the door and none other but my drug addict thieving brother answers the door. He doesn't know where my mother is but eventually thinks she is at her friends house. I tell him to get her and she  comes and already comes in yelling about something or another. I decide to leave at this point to go see my other brother and dad. I come back and my grandmother has decided she is tired and ready to leave. She goes to the bathroom, so I decide this is the time to talk to my mother. I tell her you see she is dying and all she wants is to see you. My mother's response, I don't give a shit! I am dying too! I start getting angry and tell her that I don't understand that as her daughter, how can she not feel any responsibility towards her own mother. Her response, I wont be crying at her funeral. This doesn't bother me. I don't have time to be running up to north jersey just because she is dying with cancer.

At this point I already see the futility of my arguments and just say its time to go. My mother is insane and I love her but she is insane. I know people think I am one cold hearted bastard but that woman takes the cake.

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Cancer Story

                 So it was a pretty rough day at Grannys. I went over for a couple of mins. I haven't been over as much because as my previous entry stated, my aunt from Georgia is up here. She wants us to get a second opinion on my grandmother's cancer treatment and her prognosis. She also is hammering my aunt and me to become more involve in the whole process. I explain to her that we were pretty much have been but since she was around we both feel like we don't need to be around as much.

                  She was sharing why she understands how hard it is because she has been dealing with the depression of taking care of my grandmother. Today I massage my grandmother and put her in bed. It is getting brutal man. Seeing her feeble body with no hair. The traces of chemo leaving its mark on her face and hands. It really is emotionally taxing. That was a simple 40 minute visit. My aunt made the point that she asks for a lot of prayer for the strength to deal with the pain and heartache. I never really turn to God when it comes to my grandmother. Don't get me wrong. I pray for her but I never ask God to give me the strength to help her through this difficult time. 

                I want the best for her and she wants the best for me. She said she doesn't want to move in with anyone. She said the only exception would be if I got married and brought a house. She said that then she would move in with me. She said until then that it will be her in her apartment until the day that I stumble upon her body. I hate when she talks like that and she knows it. She also said something after that which kind of made me at ease. She said that this storm will pass and I need to have faith.

               The flip side to this is that as a family we have been pretty much broken in this time of need of my grandmother. It sucks that we really haven't step up our plate like we should have. We really operate independently. My aunt takes her monthly shift of care I took my monthly shift and now my other aunt from Georgia has taken hers. My mother is no where to be found and could really care less. That is a blog for another time. My cousins have not step up and I know that they'll will have their excuses. I know I have not step up as fully as I should and it really is inexcusable. I know I am not a kid anymore. I know I can't really blame it on this lostness. I just wish I did not have this responsibility sometimes. I know that is some real shit to say but it is tough man. Really fucking tough. I know my aunt is there as much as she can be, but we all have our own lives to deal with and this on top of it. Man today's visit really hit me hard. It made me wish things were different, but things aren't. Things are what they are. This is the time where you really see what you are made out of.

Monday, June 25, 2012

Developments of worth

I started drinking again. I went a solid two months before I started. It was a rough two months and I really really am disappointed in myself for not sticking it out. I am also relieved that I don't have this atlas like pressure on me anymore. I really dropped the ball on this one. I have gotten hammered since. Not often but twice really really bad. I let myself go and it doesn't offer any real value or merit to my life but I still enjoy doing it. At this point it is probably definitely safe to say I have a problem. I drink socially but in certain social situations I drink as if I were in an Olympic competition.  I don't know what I am going to do but hopefully a solution will come about or I will just simply mature to the point of not needing to black out each time I get into that "zone".

I hit up Audrey. My ex and did not get a response back. A couple of people know the story and are shocked that I hit her up after what we both did essentially to each other. She treated me like shit and I ratted out her and my sexual exploits to her parents. She did tell people that I forced her to have sex with me. A complete lie. I know everyone is thinking. What the hell? You hit her up after that. The answer is yes. I was genuinely curious to see what was going on in her life. She did not reply so no biggie. It was just an amusing thing to note though.

Granny's chemo is really taking a toll on her and it is very frustrating to be around. I especially hate the fact that I am working so much and don't really get a chance to be around her as much as I would like. I really need to step up my game when it comes to calling her and visiting her. My aunt is visiting from down south and taking her to all her appointments so me and my aunt get a little break. We are enjoying the freedom a little bit too much probably.

Next month I will be celebrating the passing of one the greatest people I know. It is so surreal. I will definitely devote a post to it but its scary that it is coming up.

Monday, June 11, 2012

Exhausted and money thoughts

I am really tired. I am busting my ass at work and I enjoy it because real change is at least apparent in the floor moves I do. I am actually working this time around instead of phoning it in like at Haggar. Modells is just a different animal from Haggar altogether. I have to give credit where credit is due and I got my training wheels at Haggar and now its time to move on. I enjoy the company and I think I have a shot at going far with it. I need to really sit down and think about my future. I have been really trying to figure out a good budget for myself and realized I can really be saving a lot of money. I really need to relearn my concepts of money and figure out that I really need to be completely invested in my future rather than just living for the moment. It is going to be really hard for me to just be honest with myself and make proactive financial decisions. I was just telling my friends all this stuff I want to buy for no particular reason other than having it. I do like being debt free. It does offer a comforting peace of mind. I want to take a mini vacation to CT I just hope I dont go bananas while I am there.

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Granny's Doc Appointment n Big Guy

It was pretty serious. Granny was pretty out of it today. She was just all around tired and not feeling well because of the chemo. She lost 4lbs and weighs about 118lbs. She lost all her hair and wears a scarf like a pirate. It cracks me up. She wanted to get a du rag to start rocking. My cousin told me that and I could not help but laugh out loud. Granny continues to be ridiculous no matter what the situation is. Sometimes when I am over her house I just stare at her as she sleeps. She will wake up in the middle of her "power nap" and sort of crack a half smile at me and it just melts my heart. Granny is the number one woman in my life always. I could not even imagine my life without her. I know I should not be thinking the worst but my mind kind of automatically goes there. I think its bad in the way, you should not be pessimistic, however I just think I should be prepare whatever the case is.

In other news, I talked to Brendan today and it was a good conversation. I really do miss the big guy and how direct he is and how much important it is to have good mentors in your life. You never get too old to have a mentor. I think it is important to have access to a level of wisdom and a perspective that we just can't see or view because we are generally in tune only to our point of view. Interesting stuff going on.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Good ol Jersey

So I think I left my car door unlocked and some kids pretty much stole some things out of my car. They got my fancy Ecko watch and my ipod nano. They left other things in the car like my headset and my car charger but the thing that really bothered me was the glasses that I got out of Matt's car were smashed on the ground right outside the car. It bothered me a little bit those glasses did not have much monetary value but the sentimental value was through the roof. I also was not as pissed off about the missing items if anything I felt violated. I was like shit someone else was in car, but I am over it. They didn't break any of the windows or pee on my seats so I guess I have a lot to be thankful for.

Shaun and I had a lengthy discussion about my previous blog post about pursuing my education. He feels that I think it is a golden ticket of some sorts. I told him I do believe it to be a golden ticket. I feel very limited by my lack of education. I feel on paper it would be a substantial increase to my value. At least on paper anyway. I see so many people doing these "top notch" jobs and having this interesting careers and realistically the only thing separating myself from them is a bachelor's degree. I want to achieve more and accomplish more. Shaun pointed out very correctly though that the potential has always been there for me to accomplish and achieve more but I still lack any type of direction and focus. This to me goes back to being inconsistent most of all. I still don't know. I don't think it is a prideful for me to say, I have been great a lot of things but I really never mastered anything. The two weighing options are some type of ministry work or teaching. Not sure but I will still continue grinding!

Monday, May 28, 2012

Return to RU?

So there is a chance that I might be returning to Rutgers Newark. What kind of crazy shit would that be? Last night I wrote about consistency and wanting to finish strong. It would almost be serendipitous if I returned to Rutgers Newark and finished my degree. I am a completely different person than I was back when I went to school my first go around. I have a different head on my shoulders and the same distractions are almost non existent to me now. I would go back to become a history major only. I would not try to double major with political science. I am sure if I took this route that I wouldn't necessarily go into ministry but perhaps become a teacher. I would not mind teaching in Newark but I know the burden could be heavy though. I just want a degree because I am tired of feeling devalued. I know that if you work hard enough and take advantage of every opportunity given to you that you will go far in life. I know that there are some terrific opportunities available to you but I wholeheartedly believe that education is a clear propellant to success. I have tons of experience in my life all I need is the documents to back it up. Once I have that degree I will open up the doors to new worlds.

Sunday, May 27, 2012

Consistency

I have an interesting run so far in Jersey. The return home has been extremely enlightening. There have been times of frustration and joy and happiness. There have been times where I am sad because of my grandmother’s future. There are times were the possibilities are completely limitless because I am no long stuck in the bubble of Westbrook, Ct. I dearly miss the people. We are even coming up in 2 months a year from the passing of my friend Matt. It still has a profound effect on me. It still feels new oddly enough. Jersey is just different. People do not understand because they have been here all their life or they take nice vacations but never stay long periods of time elsewhere. Being close to my friends and family has made me feel very peaceful inside. Everyone harps on me about education stating that is the piece missing from my life and holding me back. I’m not sure if that is true or not but I do want to finish school, but this last semester just made me realize I am not a strong finisher. I am inconsistent with a lot of things and I need to change that. It is extremely tough to change. I was also so determine to go into ministry and I just feel lost right now. I don’t have that strong desire and burning anymore and I think it is because of pride issues. I have a lot going on but I am confident that at least finding the flaws are the first step to taking the right direction. I just need to literally will myself to change.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Update

I haven't wrote in a while and it kills me because so many different things are happening or have happen. I cant really think of anything I want to mention in particular right now. I got a new car and I am extremely happy about that even though it is not that good on gas it is one hell of a ride however. Many of my friends are going through some tremendous life altering changes and it is a beautiful thing. My grandmother started chemo and I saw her today and she did not look that well and she is still being stubborn on moving out. I hate pleading with her and I know I am being a pessimist here but I honestly find it hard to see her going through this all and making it out at the end. I am here for her when I can be and I think I need to leave it at that. That is another blog for another time. I got two D's in my online classes. I was not focus at all. The good thing is I believe they still count towards my degree so I should my associates degree anyway. That at least is my hope. I am looking at taking online classes for BBC since it would be dramatically cheaper than trying to dorm there in Sept. I also sent my old RU counselor an email asking if he thinks he could get me back into Rutgers Newark. That would be interesting to say the least. I know if allowed this time around it wouldn't be the same. My pastor had a conversation with me recently and asked me about my calling and I was so adamant about being a pastor or going into full time ministry that it seemed like a given. It was not until the FUSION conference that I felt this burning issue of pride and anger that that all changed. I am working through a lot of my issues and I have been asking people to pray that God breaks me so he can rebuild me. I need to break myself from the persona that is Anthony and just leave God in there. These are tough themes in my life but I am learning to overcome and keep my nose to the ground. I will try to write an entry on something more specific tomorrow.

Saturday, March 31, 2012

Drunk Bastards

Well last night sobriety finally caught up to me as I flipped out on my drunk friends for not wanting to leave at 2am. They wanted to chill around and talk to some drunk chick who obviously had a bf. They both were hammered and I do recognize the irony in the situation. I was extremely tired and I just wanted to leave. I had been sipping on ginger ales all night long and seen so many drunk people that I was tempted as ridiculous as that sounds. It is a lifestyle that is easy to get caught up in. I love being the life of the party which makes me influential. I said in a previous blog that I feel I am popular person who is very influential in the groups I run in. I am glad I have stop drinking and I recognize that its a hard lifestyle change but like I've said before its a necessary one.

Sunday, March 25, 2012

1st Peter 4:12-19

NASB
12Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal among you, which comes upon you for your testing, as though some strange thing were happening to you; 13 but to the degree that you share the sufferings of Christ, keep on rejoicing, so that also at the revelation of His glory you may rejoice with exultation. 14 If you are reviled for the name of Christ, you are blessed, because the Spirit of glory and of God rests on you. 15 Make sure that none of you suffers as a murderer, or thief, or evildoer, or a troublesome meddler; 16 but if anyone suffers as a Christian, he is not to be ashamed, but is to glorify God in this name. 17 For it is time for judgment to begin with the household of God; and if it begins with us first, what will be the outcome for those who do not obey the gospel of God? 18 AND IF IT IS WITH DIFFICULTY THAT THE RIGHTEOUS IS SAVED, WHAT WILL BECOME OF THE GODLESS MAN AND THE SINNER? 19 Therefore, those also who suffer according to the will of God shall entrust their souls to a faithful Creator in doing what is right.

NIV
12 Dear friends, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal that has come on you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. 13 But rejoice inasmuch as you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed. 14 If you are insulted because of the name of Christ, you are blessed, for the Spirit of glory and of God rests on you. 15 If you suffer, it should not be as a murderer or thief or any other kind of criminal, or even as a meddler. 16 However, if you suffer as a Christian, do not be ashamed, but praise God that you bear that name. 17 For it is time for judgment to begin with God’s household; and if it begins with us, what will the outcome be for those who do not obey the gospel of God? 18 And, “If it is hard for the righteous to be saved,
what will become of the ungodly and the sinner?” 19 So then, those who suffer according to God’s will should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good.




This is an interesting passage for several reasons. The first reason is on this very blog I announced my sobriety pledge and then I proceeded to do on FB and it was met with different reactions. From Baaaaahahahahahahahahahahaha.... to Anthony, you're awesome! Good 4 you, you are always in my prayers...God's our strength in every circumstance. Phil. 4:13 :) It is very interesting that I explain the logic behind my decision as something to bring glory to God and my testimony as a Christian recently. The reaction again ranged. People are really not too quite sure to make of it. This is just a small sampling of what has been happening to me in recent weeks. I have some of the best friends in the world. We don’t hold each other back and we are brutally honest with one another to the point where it would make a normal man be shattered in spirit. I get constantly made fun of for my faith. They see it as a crutch and as a friend recently penned, “Christianity is not a crutch it is more of a defibrillator” They see every mistake I make and jump at the chance to mock me and poke fun at my faith. This bothered me for a while and but then it was not until last week that it bothered me enough to prompt me to action. In their mocking and teasing was actually advice. I did need to make a change.

While I understand that this “suffering” is not quite the suffering faced by Christians in the Middle East or Christians in the time of Jesus but it is a different kind of suffering. I am glad to wear my faith and to announce that I am a Christian and I should be prepared to deal with whatever kind of “hardships” that leaves me with. I think how many people are ashamed to say they love God or they need God. I think about the people who are quick to mock Christians at the first sign of failure. It is almost insulting to our brothers and sisters who are dying for their faith while we struggle to live out ours. I always remember the first time I gave my life to Christ. I fell in love with my faith. That love put something in my heart that I could only label as fire. We were on fire for God the day we accepted Jesus as our savior. If it was a scripture we wanted to read it. If it was the gospel we were sharing it. If someone was in need we were providing. Hold onto that fire that God placed into your heart and never let it go no matter what. Let each and every day be a new day to fall in love with God all over again. Let everyday be a new day to live out and share your faith. If you suffer for your faith wear that suffering like a badge of courage. You’re a Christian! You are a creation of God and the moment you announce that it is your duty to do everything to bring glory to His name.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

Financial Stability

There is a lot to be said about being financially stable. I left my job at the end of December to pretty much do nothing. My savings at this point are depleted and I took a job making what I consider minimum wage which actually is 12 an hr. I am happy at the job, even though I do not like several ways the administration handles things. I’m just saying that I would do things a great deal differently. Let me get back to the pay because that is what I want to focus on. I can sort of kind of pay my bills, but it literally leaves no room to do anything else. I mean nothing at all. I can barely afford to pay for my gas. It leaves me with two options. Get another job or get a part time job to help me afford this “glamorous” lifestyle I live. I keep thinking to myself, what is the point God is trying to make? What is the lesson to be learned here? I keep thinking about this and the answer is ..BE CONTENT. I keep trying to find ways of finding something or someone to make me happy and I am rarely content with what I have. Now I ultimately believe that Haggar was a bad situation and it was necessary for me to leave. What I did not value was the money that I was making there. I said a job is a job but to understand that I making money that people dream about…which dreaming about making 35k a yr is ridiculous but people do it, is quite sad. I took for granted the financial freedom that God gave with Haggar. Now I have a new opportunity in Modells to make 38k a yr. A 3k pay bump. I keep praying to really understand what course of action to take. It would be so easy to jump on it immediately, but will it make me happy? How soon before I start to take Modells for granted? I don’t know. I keep saying to myself, God give me this opportunity and I will not squander it. Keep in prayer and hope that I make the right move.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Scholarship Blog Post

Blogging Scholarship
by YourLocalSecurity.com

President Obama has my vote in this election because I am still hopeful that in his second term we will see political change long awaited in this country. I believe this because a president's first term is all about walking the line to get another term. It would be amazing to see if he trys to go even further and pushes the boundaries of what political offices can do. I think the fight for healthcare was a good one. It is something completely unfounded in this country. While I do disagree with the system that Obama proposed on some levels I think on other levels it’s a terrific thing. We are the only country in the world not to have a universal health care system. I just hopes he shakes things up in his second term. I think that the republicans offer no real threat and absolutely ridiculous when it comes to viable political candidates. Rick Santorum just this past week talked about how if Puerto Rico wanted to be a state then it needs to conform to federal law of having English as its official language. There are several things wrong with this statement the biggest point of all is that there is no federal requirement of having English as the state language and secondly America does not even have a national language. Mitt is just not a good candidate based on his record and his inability to have any backbone on any substantial issue. Ron Paul has said some ridiculous things in terms of what he would do in changing the scope of government and its powers. Some of his ideas do seem appealing but some are just outlandish. This is a quote from 2009, "How about getting rid of the Department of Education and Department of Agriculture. Just go down the list. Get rid of it. Cut the budget in half. Everything that's not constitutional. That's a good place to start." Really, the department of education is on the list of things to get rid of. After looking at these candidates it is almost absurd that they are running for office let alone the presidency of the United States.

Monday, March 19, 2012

1st Peter 4:1-11

1 Therefore, since Christ suffered in his body, arm yourselves also with the same attitude, because whoever suffers in the body is done with sin. 2 As a result, they do not live the rest of their earthly lives for evil human desires, but rather for the will of God. 3 For you have spent enough time in the past doing what pagans choose to do—living in debauchery, lust, drunkenness, orgies, carousing and detestable idolatry. 4 They are surprised that you do not join them in their reckless, wild living, and they heap abuse on you. 5 But they will have to give account to him who is ready to judge the living and the dead. 6 For this is the reason the gospel was preached even to those who are now dead, so that they might be judged according to human standards in regard to the body, but live according to God in regard to the spirit.
7 The end of all things is near. Therefore be alert and of sober mind so that you may pray. 8 Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. 9 Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling. 10 Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms. 11 If anyone speaks, they should do so as one who speaks the very words of God. If anyone serves, they should do so with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen.

I thought this was a great passage just because of recent events in my life. This past weekend I attended a men’s equipping conference and it was powerful. The last speaker really charged us with a mission using the passage Matthew 5:14, "You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden.” I bring that passage up because it was a teaching of Christ. Peter reaffirms it in this passage. “1 Therefore, since Christ suffered in his body, arm yourselves also with the same attitude, because whoever suffers in the body is done with sin. 2 As a result, they do not live the rest of their earthly lives for evil human desires, but rather for the will of God.” We need to shine the light of our faith since we are living for the will of God. This isn’t something I could easily brush off. This is something that has been burning inside of me for a while. It started off as a match, something easily put out. Now, that fire, that light, has gained traction and momentum and it is burning hot brothers and sisters. Hot enough to melt gold. I have committed this day 3/19/12 to a pledge 6 months of sobriety of no alcohol of any kind. I know the bible only condemns drunkenness but I feel as Paul said in 1st Corinthians 13:11, “When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.” I do this for myself and to put to action the very gift of influence God has placed within me. I need to truly start living my life for God. I have suffered as well and failed to minister in my times of weakness, when my testimony could be its strongest. I attribute that last statement to my Pastor Brendan Saunders. In verse 10 Peter starts, 10 Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms. 11 If anyone speaks, they should do so as one who speaks the very words of God. If anyone serves, they should do so with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. I need to start rebuilding and reinforcing the walls of my faith. It is time to move pass the problem of superficiality. I need to be a sellout for God. "God doesn't want improve lives or change lives He wants you to exchange your life for His." Clive Calver Please join me.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Psalm 46:10

I want to have a meeting with my boss about some of the problems I see at work. I just just don't want to feel like I am making the same mistakes twice. I don't want to be the rabblerouser. I honestly don't. I just feel under utilize and at the same time I do not have a full grasp of what is really expected of me. I want to do the job justice, but I do not know if I have all the tools that are needed to do the job well. The manager in me just wants to correct the small organizational systemic problems. I have to laugh out loud as I read that last sentence. Who am I kidding? I am always going to be a trouble maker and a questioner. This is who I am. I just need to be more tactful and cannot be malicious and aggressive even though that is my typical style. Just need to pray about everything for guidance and see what opportunities God opens up to me this week. The theme getting the job was Psalm 46:10 and I think that must be the theme in keeping to the job or using that verse to motivate me to be still at the very least. Like I said I guess the best thing for me to do is pray on it and wait to see what happens.

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Why America’s Youth need KONY2012 movement


I have seen so much hate and so much positive from the Kony movement. I am sure by now everyone knows what it is. I for one think it is a good thing and before you roll your eyes and cite articles on fraud and blah blah blah let me explain something. Every organization is riddle with some type of scam scandal or whatever have you. Don’t believe me type in the name of any organization and type fraud or scam after it and read what articles come up.

I believe in the Kony movement for different reasons. I am a huge huge fan of grassroots movements. I hate to say it but even the tea partiers deserve a nod even though personally I think they are bat shit crazy. Although, I am pretty sure the same thing can be said of the Occupy movements. I think the mobilization of people is important and the day it stops happening is the day something beautiful dies. I believe in the Kony movement because “young people” are so damn apathetic and self-involve that it is legit scary. Their concept of reality and what society owes them is so marred and disconnected from the truth again it is scary. When I see people giving a shit about something other than themselves, it’s a beautiful thing. The catalyst for this movement can be argued and debated the money again argued and debated but if they are donating their time and energy for a cause then again it’s a beautiful thing. I support it because once we can be united in things abroad it is only a matter of time before we start becoming united domestically. I support it because it is a grassroots movement with a bipartisan feel.

Another argument that is made is the white people messiah complex or guilt. I like what Don Cheadle had to say on the entire issue so I will quote it here.

"Still cycling through the info. Firsthand: I have been to the night commuters camps, world vision and the like. No Q Kony is a bad guy," he wrote. "But divergent perspectives I find informative and the truth often lies somewhere betwixt and between what's proffered. You must use your.. critical minds and innate instincts to decide for yourselves while leaving open the possibility to understand more as more is understood.
"I never swallow the whole hook of the stated goals of ANY government, ours included, but their possible 'hidden agenda' notwithstanding," he continued. "Kony is on the ICC's list for a reason and his deeds are well documented. I believe in Ugandans solving Ugandan's problems. Tricky situ. Assisting the Ugandan government and letting them ultimately resolve and solve their internal issues are not mutually exclusive acts. we need to be wary of traditionally paternalistic attitudes toward other nations and make sure we are acting as 'helpers' not encroachers."

Cynicism does not get you anywhere. At least for something Invisible Children the “scumbag” organization brought to light a man few people knew existed. If you do not have a solution or suggestions or remedies than complaints offer nothing more to the dialogue and in fact take away from it. I think the KONY movement is important because it reminds people that in 2012 that opinion and voicing that opinion is the most powerful thing that continues to stand the test of time even in this digital age.

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Thoughts

We went out to play pool today and enter up in a discussion about logistics and adventure. My friend just got a job offered in Houston. My friend’s don’t think he should take the job because he would be struggling to make it on the salary and cost of living and blah blah but I said he would have to suffer now to reap the rewards later would be the right call. I think that fear is the biggest thing holding my friend back. I understand the debilitating power of fear. I also understand that you can’t achieve greater things if you’re not willing to sacrifice it all. I feel like out of my friends I am definitely the risk taker and to my credit I am the one who has done more of the living. They enjoy the routine and consistency. I don’t mind that. I genuinely believe that all of our lives needs a certain routine or you are just living in a constant chaos. My friend said he thinks I am pushing the notion of this being a missed opportunity. He said opportunities must be thought out regardless and logistics must be made. That’s all fine and dandy but what about the human experience. What about living life? I am at a point in my life where it almost seems back to square one. I make less money now than since HS. I really don’t have any immediate plans for the future. I am enrolled in Bible Baptist College and plan on attending in the fall. In May I will have my associates degree but I am just leaving a lot up to chance. I am leaving everything to fate. I haven’t been the best of planners but I know when it comes down to it my plans never go accordingly. I am not saying why bother but it for me at least it seems that way. On another note I think I am starting to get lonely again. I hate that feeling it creeps up on me every so often. Now is one of those times. I really want a ride or die chick. Someone who can be with me through the thick and thin. I know that is asking for a lot and I’ve said I want to just work on myself but I still got feelings damnit. I just got to keep doing me and see what happens.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Battle with Faith

I went to the bible study last night and as usual I just felt like shit afterwards. Don’t get me wrong it, is a beautiful time and great fellowship but I just constantly struggling with God. I said last night I needed to be offended by the gospel to realize how much of a scumbag I was and am sometimes. It is a perpetual battle that I just refuse to lose. I know I will lose I know I must lose but I still refuse to just let go and let God. I am tired of just looking over that cliff of submission and constantly rejecting to take the leap. I find myself in situations that I know are morally compromising and still make the bad choices. I look to the Christian examples around me and I feel ashamed that I am not where I should be. I know I shouldn’t measure my walk of faith against others, but I am only human. The desire for change is not as strong as the realization of my sin. When I realized I was a sinner and decided it was time to give my life to God I was ready I was on fire I was hunger for the word and nothing else. Now that that flame has turned down a bit I’ve let old habits seep in. It has not been worse since moving to Nj but the lack of a home church has made it come to a head. I miss my church family. They help me grow as a person a tremendous deal in CT. I realized that when I went back. I missed them. They were crazy but I learned so much from everyone there. I am very picky. The churches that I’ve been to have scared the hell out of me. So many people go but I don’t think they are getting the right message. People make church about the emotions or the traditions or this or that but what about making the church about God. That seems like an old fashion thing but if you asked me I think it’s worth a shot. You know what else bothers me here. My scumbag friends holding me to a set a rules they don’t even hold to themselves but its ok because I’m the one proclaiming to be a Christian they are only proclaiming to believe in God such a cop out if you ask me.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Slave Labor!

I worked one week as a recycling tire shop manager. It was brutal. One guy worked for 5 hrs to earn $25. It's like are you serious. It definitely open my eyes to somethings. I mean this world is brutal and harsh and people support families with those kinds of wages. I find it disgusting that in 2012 we still argue over things like race and illegal immigrants and so on. I gurantee you anybody who is against illegal immigration by saying stupid shit like, "They take our jobs!" would not work in the harsh conditions that they work in. I know some would go further and say that those people are necessary in a capitalistic system. It is not necessary at all to have humans suffer this day in age. The disproportion of wealth is too great for people to not wake up. I know the occupy movement was a great thing but it needs to go further. It needs to be expanded. I kind of want to go on but my thoughts are alittle too scattered. I'll try to write something more later.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Georgia Living

My travels before Stillwater brought me to Athens, GA. My buddy Eddie Beck lives there. Eddie has been a brother to me since I met him all those years ago while I was a rabble rouser in Science High School. For years I have been telling him I was going to visit him and finally I did. I had the money and the freedom since leaving my job to do as I pleased and I was going to make the most of it. Eddie lives in Athens, Georgia the same home as my cousins which coincidentally I forgot. I met up with family for a bit said my hellos and such and kept on trucking. I even rented a car to go visit my friend Jon Mckenna who is stationed at a base four hours away from Athens. The best part or night of the trip had to be celebrating Eddies birthday at Opera Nightclub. We did it big. We got a suite at the Marriott a block away and went in that night. Eddie has some cute friends. Even his sister went and if you knew Carrie you know it was kind of a big deal. Shes amazingly brilliant and equally as quirky. I love her to bits. It was just an amazing time overall. We had so much fun and just great to say the least. I have to tell one story about a random bar night that Eddie and I had though, So I am sure some people know my run ins with the law when it comes to public urination. My suggestion is don't try it, even when you don't think you are going to get caught you probably will. So, we are leaving a bar and I have to go the bathroom really bad and I ask Eddie so how are they on public urination down here. Eddie shrugs and is like, "I don't know." I see a big ass bush so I decide ehhh I should be good. After I finish doing my business and come around from the bush who is waiting for me but a bike cop. The cop goes, "So, what were you doing behind that bush?" I respond back with, "Do you really want to know officer?" He said, "Yes!" Immediately I go into story mode. I tell him that I have a crush on a girl and I wanted to have a private conversation with her because I am drunk and I want to tell her that I like her and then I point to Eddie who is observing this a couple of feet away and say, "You see that guy over is a gossip and I didn't want him listening into my conversation." The cop looks at me and goes, "Its too early for this weird shit. Have a good night!" My life is pretty random sometimes. I recently said I embrace chaos while the rest of you flirt with chance. Good words to live by sometimes that is lol. That was a highlight but I am glad I know some very special people in this world and Eddie Beck is certainly one of them. Now come the pics!



In this picture I was dancing and some random lady came up behind me and started to dance with me and I was yelling at her to smack my ass and then told her she wasn't doing it hard enough....at this point I was having some fun haha.







They kept telling me to keep my eyes open and this is a horrible attempt at me trying to keep my eyes open. Then that is Carrie and me. I am pretty sure shes just excited herself by having her arm around as by her facial expression.





The whole gang from the Opera Night minus Eddie

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Crazy ass dreams

I have been having the craziest dreams of late. I had a couple about dying. I had a couple about Audrey.....those were great please if the italics don't clue you into the sarcasm let it be known that it is sarcasm. I end up waking up in a cold sweat and disoriented and it sucks. It has been happening for at least two months now. It really is starting to drive me nuts. I just wish I knew what the hell was going on. The dreams of course don't come if I am blacked out or use sleeping pills for bed. I hate hangovers and I hate the feeling of grogginess that the pills leave me with in the morning so I try not to consistently do both. Side note I am enjoying this time back but I got that craving for more again. I went on a couple of interviews and one that I really enjoyed was the Boys and Girls club of Patterson. I thought the interview went well the salary is about 1/3 of what I used to make but I think I will honestly be happier in this job than my last one. Haggar sucked my soul out and I can honestly say it will be at least a little while before I whore myself out again.

Monday, February 13, 2012

Stillwater, Oklahoma

Kevo and I


This is me being taught how to "two step" by a lovely lady.

While I am here and wrapping up my trip to the great town or city of Stillwater Oklahoma I decided to write a blog entry. This particular leg of my trip was amazing, so was my Athens journey but this one for different reasons. I drank a whole lot, party a whole lot, and saw things I never could of imagine. I saw real life cowboys. They had the legit hats and boots and belt buckles and everything. That was pretty trippy. I ate some really really good bbq. It was delicious. I enjoy hanging out with my wild friend Kevin. He is a good man with a great heart no matter what people say or do to him. I appreciate his friendship. I am writing this as he is literally verbally abusing me from 3 feet away by telling me to “Fuck myself” Which I think is why me and him click so easily. Even though the first time I met him I hated him. So many great quotes from him. “Anthony I ever tell you the time I hooked up with the voice of Dora the Explorers backpack.” “The motto for tonight is rocks on rocks on rocks.” “Definitely smoking crack tonight RIP Whitney” “We can’t eat at chilis…they’ll spit in my food” From his dislike of Asians to his womanizing Kevin definitely deserves a sit at my inner circle and I am most glad to give him one.

The great part of this trip wasn’t the copious amounts of alcohol and believe me there was copious amounts but the good times. The memories I am making. It is funny how different the way of life is down here. A funny example I can think of is the song "All I do is Win" At the part where T Pain saids, “and our hands go up” they chant the letters O S U it is the letters of their university. The first time I witness that I can tell you, it definitely left me speechless. I loved being at a house party and this girl told me, "I cant grind in there (referring to the dance floor of party) grinding is for clubs and I am not that kind of girl. The women down here are amazingly gorgeous. I do have to give them that. They are just so shelter though. It is easy to see how they are all republican and conservatives. These people really think terrorist are going to get them.

I am pretty happy I quit Haggar. I am even happier that I decided to visit Kevin. I have literally walked away from some responsibilities but I can honestly say that I am pretty happy right now. I have not one clue what the hell life has in store for me in the next couple of months before I leave for college but this one thing I know I am ready for the ride.



Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Interviews.....


Ive been on about 4 or 5 interviews and some range from terrible to horrendous.

One interview lasted about 3 minutes. There were people ahead of me and I was shocked at how fast they were getting out. It took me about 40 minutes to travel for a 3 min interview. That was just great. They pretty much said, "They wanted to put a face to the resume." What a pointless thing to do!

Another interview that actually went well was thwarted by a personality assessment. I pretty much had the job in hand until I took the personality assessment. It was a 2 page assessment. It listed traits for personality. The first page asked me what traits do I think a salesperson should have. The second page listed traits that I believe I have. How the hell did I fuck that up? I mean seriously. I didn't chose the obviously traits like sexual offender...(that wasn't a choice) but still. He showed me the printout and it gave me a 30 out of a 100 on being a salesperson. I just did that job for the better part of a decade. Frustration isn't even the word.

I guess the third interview Ill put up is the job that I did get but was rescinded the offer once they heard I had plans on leaving in the fall to finish school.

I have learned a couple of things being back out on the interviewing world. One people don't know the difference between interviews and information sessions. I shouldnt be talked to for 40 minutes in an interview. I should be asked questions. My personality should be assessed by a person not a machine. I know that my golden ticket is out there. I know I must be patient and diligent. Its not like I need a job tomorrow but I think I am ready to start working once again.