Monday, June 28, 2010

Be careful who your friends are!

Something I tell my younger brother all the time. It is a very hard lesson to learn especially where you grow up. We like to think of ourselves as individuals and we do not let any one person or group of people affect our decisions and moral compass but it is just not true. The quote “No man is an island” is absolutely true. We rely on relationships intimate and un-intimate a great deal. This is a trend with the younger generations who seem to embrace the big generational gap. They hold more stock in the values of the group of friends rather than the values from home. I know the values of my home personally were shit but its not true of every home. It is a sad state of affairs especially if you get caught up in a group that does not help you progress as a person and as an individual. I am happy to say that the individuals that I consider my friends have help me grow each year most importantly when it comes to my mentality on certain things. I know I have already typed a blog on friendship but sometimes important things need to be discussed more than once. I'll just keep it short. I really do love my friends.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

God has put me in CT for a reason … why am I still fighting him!

This first part is from a testimonial I submitted to my pastor about the ministry year in review and Lighthouse in review.

I was thinking about seeing God’s work in people and feelings. I was looking at God’s work not only in my life, but also in the lives of others. I have to say I never felt more love then I do at this church. Especially, the people that have reached out to me and offer me simple things as a prayer or a smile or even a hug. My experiences with churches have always lead me to hate churches in general. Lighthouse has transcended all my conventional thoughts that I have ever thought about churches. The service the atmosphere the people it is all different. People talk about seeing God’s love in certain places and certain people. I have to say that I understand that now. I see God’s love and his hand all throughout Lighthouse. If it is the ideas that are thrown out to help the community or if it’s the prayers I hear, I just feel different about how I look at all churches and how I look at God. In short it gives me hope where I thought there was none. God’s rekindled a fire in me to do more for my spiritual well being. This fire would not have existed if not for the people and the community within the community that is Lighthouse Church.

Pastor Saunders used this as well as many of other testimonies today. It was interesting and great to see what Lighthouse has done this year. I am proud to consider myself apart of this church. My faith is growing and it is amazing that I found a church that is growing just like me. I should correct myself for that sentence. It is amazing that God has put a church in my life that I can grow with.

Philippians 2:12 Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling,

I like to emphasize the part …..”continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling. “ So as to me being in CT. I feel like I am helping those around me. I feel like I am getting used to this. I know I say that today and it could be a fleeting feeling I surely hope not. I pray that it is not. So far I have been able to bring 2 guys to Lighthouse. I talk about my faith with my friends and I have invited several to my baptism. It is weird being here. It is odd being at this point. Everyone knows the cliché the Lord works in mysterious ways. There is no better way to put it than that.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Why am I such a pessimist!

Being optimistic does not come naturally to me. In fact it is probably one of the most unnatural feelings I think I can feel. It is rough living life being the underdog when I know I’m not. Reading the bible has been a great help. I am amazed how people say that the bible is not relevant to life today. There are so many underdogs in the bible. There are so many people who just could not walk with God like they should have. I get so ashamed when I feel like I am not living the life I should be. It is not necessarily from my actions but my thoughts. Why can’t I think like a normal person? I mean that in the sense where I am not just constantly feeling down because of this reason or that reason. I look at my life and I have plenty of things to be happy about. The people the relationships and even memories so amazingly wonderful that I should get that deep and fuzzy feeling every time I think of any of those.

It is almost like the Ed Stetzer quote. "Stop trying to capture the glory of your past and find God’s vision for your future." I constantly am trying to recapture some glory from my past and that leads my thoughts and patterns into a backwards direction and an irrational thought patterns. Everything is so psychological and to control that is to control everything. Being a slave to your emotions is a dangerous thing. I have to fight as hard as I can. I know I can do it. I have the will and I know there is a way. Sometimes I stop and I try to tell myself, "You know Ant; life is not that bad!"


Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Sober or Not to be Sober that is my question

So I have been thinking about cold turkey sobriety for the last couple of days. I know a couple of years ago when I thought I had a drinking problem I went a whole year without drinking. After that year I thought I could handle it again. Recently I have been good. The major slip up I had was two Saturdays ago where I went in hard. 11 shots of Jameson 1 Snakebite and about 4 or 5 beers lead to a rough night. I have just been thinking about my life and how getting drunk has affected in numerous ways. I have reached this conclusion before but I thought moderation could handle it but I don’t think so anymore.

The lack of CT nightlife has ruined my resolve in believing that there are other alternatives out there. However upon further thought, this allows me to concentrate on my faith a lot more. The hard thing is I don’t want to be like a monk living in solitary just mediating on things. I want to be apart of the world and affecting the world through my actions. It’s like the 2nd verse in the passage I like. “In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your path straight.” Psalm 3:6 So I need to come up ways of how I can occupy my time with doing a work for God or representing God in some way. Especially at night on the weekends when the urge to go to a bar is strongest.

One of the things I remember APH telling me is that the bible doesn’t say anywhere that we shouldn’t drink it just does not approve of drunkenness. While I do enjoy drinking I understand what it leads me to. It leads me to have lustful thoughts bad thoughts and even worse it definitely provokes me to act on those thoughts. One of the reasons I have loved alcohol for such a long time is that is provided me with a solution to my never ending thought process by dulling it and making my mind a blurr so I was unable to focus on any mental pain and anguish I was going through. I have even thought about taking pills for depression and anxiety and stuff but so many people say its simply a mental thing and that I do not want to rely on such things.

I replaced alcohol with so many other things time and time again and now that I have God in my life I think I have come to a final solution as it be. I can’t replace this drug with people because just like the drugs themselves people tend to fail you too. I can’t replace it with anything materialistic because again material things are only temporary. It balls down to this quote C.S. Lewis: “God cannot give us happiness apart from Himself, because there is no such thing.” This just has been working on my heart and I hope that God willing that if I do decide to do this I know it won’t be easy but again Philippians 4:13 “I can do everything through him who gives me strength.”

Monday, June 14, 2010


There are so many definitions for the word friend. Lately I’ve felt without but I know that’s bullshit because there are so many people in this world that always have my back no matter what no matter how and no matter when.

A friend is someone who will sign on at 2am to just make sure you’re ok.
A friend is someone who is willing to loan you $500 to make sure u can get back on your feet.
A friend is someone who will stay until the end even though they know what you’re doing is wrong.
A friend is someone who no matters how hard he falls for u that no matter what he’ll be there for u always.
A friend is someone whose loyalty and respect are never questioned.
A friend is someone who loves you enough to hurt you when the truth needs to be heard.

*A friend has no problem listening to your sobs and saying the things you need at that moment.
*A friend who will go out of their way after you are hurting to just send you a text to make sure your ok.

In a way I went through one of these things with one of my friends and I love them all and they all love me and even though I lose track of that sometimes it’s good to put it in writing to remind me of how dumb I can be sometimes to think I’m alone in this world.

( I wrote that on Monday, March 5, 2007 at 12:29pm…..It was a FB note so that’s how I knew the day and time lol except the two things with asterisks)

I am re-posting this in my blog because I truly and utterly love my friends all of them. From the ones who broke me down and have been with me at the highest of highs and lowest of lows. Everyday I fight this emotional fight with myself. I go through these questions of whether or not I have value because I place so much in my friendships and relationships in general. It’s something I recognize is an issue but how can I not love my friends and cherish what I have with them. With that said it’s hard to lose one and it’s hard to be there for those who you feel for more than just a friendship. That’s the thing to remember though is that true friendship can never die. True friendship is wanting more for someone than you want for yourself without it costing you a personal harmful sacrifice.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

My response to Fred's Blog

His Blog link is here:

The titled of his last entry was "I believe that children are our future...not all of them." Had some interesting points. The entry is linked above. Here is my response to that entry.

I am going to have to disagree on the society part. I think that society has a tremendous role here in child rearing. You said there are people who have step up and overcome. A great quote I heard once said we judge too often by the exception and not by the rule. Society needs to adjust and adapt to this current state of parental guidance or lack of parental guidance I should say. It a very complex issue. I would have to say it starts with the economic status of these people. Working all these jobs and not being able to be at home or attend the PTA meetings or parent teacher conferences. With that said even days off are not really days off. Take a look at our minimum wage in this country it’s a joke. Literally do these parents have time for the children there having?

Then the inspiration line toward the end kind of bothered me. F#uK Obama. There I said it. Does being black in the white house a big deal yeah but what does it really mean. Is racism over? Has poverty ended? No! The answer is simply not at all. If he was a true inspiration to Black people then he would be making different kind of strides. He falls short in a lot of ways. Inspiration comes from recognition and desire to change. All of that is internal. The one point where we probably agree on is education. I am not talking about the crap they teach in schools and college. I am talking about life experience kind of education. I am talking about realizing the world is not just Broad and Market kind of education. Like I said the shit is complex and complicated. While you and I have both good rants the main point is what is next? How do we combat this? While you complain and make a social commentary what solutions do you bring forward. I am all ears. Personally I do not feel equipped to lead an real fight now but that’s due to a lot of personal shit. I am educating myself for that day where I think it’s time and we start making moves is the best way for me to go about thing. Now I am ranting anyways good piece.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Do the Right Thing

Yesterday my Facebook status read: Is disgusted by the apathy he witness today in Westbrook. I helped an elderly couple to their car. I had to lift his legs while she pushed him. I closed my store and did the right thing as people stood and watched. She was struggling and needed help and no one came until I did the right thing. God is good and he will transform your life.

The full story is here. I was talking on the phone to another Haggar manager when I look out into the court yard. I see this elderly woman struggling to pull this elderly man along in some kind of chair. There was plenty of people all around them watching and doing or saying nothing. The lady face was clearly in anguish. I was the only one working in the store and I was thinking to myself someone will help them. No one came. Finally I was like screw this. I locked my store up and ran over there to help them. She clearly was not strong enough to do this by herself. So I decided that if she could push him all I had to do was hold his legs up so he was not dragging them. It was rough I had to hold them up from one end of the mall to the other end. He had also gone to the bathroom on himself. When we reached the end I told her to bring the car around and I will wait with the gentleman. When she pulled up in the car the man could not physically move his legs. I had to move them for him. I practically held him like a baby to sit in the seat. The lady offered me twenty dollars but I refused and I told her I was just doing the right thing. She yelled at me to take the money and demanded it. I did but I really felt bad. I was just doing the right thing. It broke my heart to see this woman struggling. It made me mad that as we passed other stores no one else offered to help.

Now here is the moral to my story. The old Anthony would have looked noticed and probably would have said someone else will help them and blah blah blah. Since I been trying to live a more Christ like life some days are better than others I looked out saw someone in need and decided to act on it.

Here are two comments from my friends from my fb status.

Sergio Bichao
For some reason, people in densely populated areas seem to be afraid or reluctant to help others. Maybe it's because we're afraid of embarrassing people if we offer them help. It might also be because we're all supposed to be minding our own business and to help a stranger requires us to completely change our mindset in an instant. I also read ... See Moresomewhere that most people think "someone else" will step in to help. The couple you helped were fortunate that in this case there actually was someone else

Lev Zilbermintz
Yes, this is disgusting. It is called bystander apathy. That is what Professor David Barnes taught us in Sociology 101 class, back in 1992

Wednesday, June 9, 2010


Just something I took from my pastors last sermon that I have to throw into the blog until I get the you tube project link up here. Which is after this transcribe version.

Mickey’s long dead now but Mickey is the one who taught him [Rocky Balboa] and train him and taught him to have heart. He remembers how Mickey tells him, you know there comes a day where your down and defeated and nobody cares and nobody wants you and nobody believes in you but you GOTTA GET UP BECAUSE I LOVE YOU ROCK and Rocky gets up and beats Tommy Gunn. I want you tell there comes a time in your walk with God when you stumble and you fall and you fell beat down by the world beat down by people beat down by sin and I want to tell you that Jesus is the one who is standing there. Jesus is the one who needs to come to your mind. He is the voice you need to hear in your head. GET UP BECAUSE I LOVE YOU!!!!! GET UP!!!!! because my power is available GET UP!!!! and keep going.

Just what I needed to hear. This is such a powerful message almost as powerful as a memory verse. It needs to just be played daily because I forget this sooo many times during my day. Although the pleasure of the peace it brings you is like no other.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Never downplay good church people.

We always tend to look at the hypocrites in the church and the pastors who don’t live out the life set out for them by God. It is naturally as people we tend to focus on the bad. How easily it is to forget the resounding good in this world.

I thank God for introducing me to some great people this year. Jim and Carol Hull have opened me into their home countless times with open arms and open hearts. Jim has had an extraordinary life that just amazes me how this man is standing here today. Through his experiences he has taught me the value of acknowledging God in all your ways.

Brendan has just taken me under his wing and it’s amazing for once in my life I am not scared of the potential someone else sees in me. He said tonight, “It is his hope that within a year I should be able to do a couple of sermons at Lighthouse” That sounds crazy to me Pastor Diaz…lol let me not get ahead of myself. These are shining examples of God’s love for me.

APH is another guy I am thankful to know. Just by his example. There is also the many times where the man return my call just to talk and chat. He has prayed with me on the phone a couple of times and those acts of kindness and righteousness don't go unnoticed; not by people and certainly not by God. Even though at times he is kinda of cheesy but that's just him. I can say the man exudes God and I like that about him.

These are shining examples of Good Christians I can look to for faith and guidance and even just an open door. I try to tell people who have been hurt by Christians and churches that there are good people out there. I know I need to put my faith in God before people but there are some good people out here. There are some people who because of their faith in God I can put my faith in them.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Life goes On

I am doing better. I called her today and she asked me if I understood why she did what she did. I told her I didn’t and she said her decision was based on respect. That she could not handle the full reliance that I had laid on her. That she couldn’t respect me and she couldn’t handle being a leader in the relationship. I do understand that. It does make it easier. Being in CT has made me less of the Anthony that I was before in Jersey. In Jersey I felt like I was the leader of the group and had the ability to do as I pleased. In CT, I suffered heavy from the depression and the loneliness and that put a strain on our relationship. Enough about that though, tonight’s entry is about moving forward.

I went over Jim and Carol’s today. She said some really powerful stuff that moved me. The message balled down to stop putting faith in people and things and start putting faith in God. The tender things that I entrusted Audrey; I should and need to entrust God with. Be dependent on God not people. It resonated in me deeply. My relationship was a hard and yet a beautiful thing but as sun rises again I am sure that this too shall pass. The good thing is I really do not want be with anyone I do want companionship but focusing on my faith does not sound like a bad step. I just replaced alcohol with Audrey. She is only human. I cannot put my faith in her without putting my faith in God wholeheartedly first. She has issues just like I have issues. So we were two people with two completely different builds trying to create a union with each other but no union with God. All we can do is live our lives. People come and go in your life but God is always there. I am only 24 and as much as this hurts life will go on.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Day by Day

I got sloppy drunk last night and vomited all over my room. I did this all because I let my emotions get the best of me. My girlfriend broke up with me. The desire to continue to do stupid things was worked out last night. I hope that it is behind me. I love her with all my heart and I feel sad and broken. Other people have affected our relationship a lot and it got to the both of us. In the end we are different. Who knows we could get back together but I honestly do not know it is in God’s hands now. It sucks but what can you do right. Although I am deeply wounded I realized today though are God is good. God is love and God forgives me for what I have done last night.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

In Christ Alone

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6

The problem is I have been relying on my own understanding of things for the past 24 years. Hmm, I wonder why for the past 24 years I have not seemed to be ok with anything. When you are more self sufficient in your life you are less reliant on God. I have been self sufficient most of my life. My mom is pretty much a nonexistent factor in my life and I have fought hard to maintain some kind of stability in my life financially and emotionally. Both of these things were done through my own means. I try to rationalize every single action and tried to understand every single thing that has been done to me and that I have done.

I even try to rationalize my faith and I run into troubles. Is my faith a house of cards easily knocked down or is it a stronghold that is impenetrable? The problem it seems to me is even trying to rationalize my faith. I should not try to measure up to some fictional Christian barometer or even Christians that I do know, but instead try to ask myself am I demonstrating my faith through my actions. Am I honoring God on a daily basis through my deeds and through living a Christ like testimonial?

Another problem that I faced was being fearful and distraught by running these questions through an over analytical maze in my mind. My Pastor tonight gave me Philippians 2:12-14 to read. “Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose. Do everything without complaining or arguing,”

This to me coincides with Proverbs. It is all really about trusting in God, even when I am fearful and trembling about my own salvation and faith. To truly trust and understand God’s will, it is implied that it is done without complaining and arguing. I can no longer fight God. I have to give him the keys and let him conduct the train of my life. At this point in my journey I really got to give it to God. Let thy will be done. It really is that simple.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Drugs, Alcohol, Sex has nothing on God

Christianity teaches us to love one another just like we love ourselves. Even if you don’t feel like you love yourself you do. Even your self destructive tendencies are proof of such love. You love yourself not to feel pain and to do everything that is in your power to rid yourself of that feeling. We all use something whether it is alcohol drugs sex or just even people.

I struggle everyday because I do not know who I am anymore. For so long I have equated myself to the immoral actions and crazy zany adventures that I had for so long. How could I possibly be that person? I enjoy my sense of humor and sometimes as bad as it is I kind of do look back on my actions with nostalgia. I, however have grown as a person. I have a lot of meaningful people and friends in my life. I have love and I have God. It is hard to believe someone who was so anti religion and how this was truly the opiate of the masses has come to this conclusion.

One of the questions I get asked now is, “What if they prove this all wrong?”, “What if there is no God” “What do I get out of this?”, “What if Audrey and you do not end up together what then?” I do not know the answers to those questions. I wish I could answer with the certainty of my friend who when I asked the question of no God, he simply replied well that’s not even a possibility that I can think of. All I can say is generally speaking my life is not the shit storm it was 6 months ago. I am not the same person. That person could never exist again in me because I found something different. It is something worth believing in. I found something that loves me when I am not even sure when I love myself. I should not seek for the necessities in life. What will make me better? What can help me cope? However instead and simply “But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” Matthew 6:33

Tuesday, June 1, 2010


I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you.
(John 14:18)

There are very few things in this life that as powerful and amazing as love. The problem with love is that, it just does not rely on two people but on multiple people and various and numerous ever changing variables. There is constant outside pressure telling you to respond in this way or that way. You constantly measure your own relationship to other ones. We do that even though technically we only see what is on the outside and we don’t see other relationships in their entirety.

I have struggle with a lot of the above. I have changed a lot in the past couple of months and it is hard to get use to having a new meaning in your life, especially when you have been self sufficient for so long. It is hard to allow your well being to mean something to someone else. It is hard to travel this road. Even if I cry out to the heavens I would like to utterly and emphatically state I would not revert back. I allow too many people access to my mind. I have allowed too much access to the process in which I make decisions. It is rarely just Anthony deciding to be Anthony but hordes of people reaching a consensus on what it is Anthony needs to do. There is nothing wrong with seeking advice but when that advice outweighs your own personal direction and beliefs then there is a problem.

I love my girlfriend with all my heart. I have allowed my depression to interfere with our relationship. I want to apologize for that. Depression is not an easy thing. For the longest time I have allowed it to rule me and my decisions. I have allowed it a seat at a table of judgment in my mind for far too long. He has owned and controlled the rest of my emotions and what I am really trying to say is no more. You do not have power over me anymore. Easier said than done right, well I honestly believe you got to say it before you can start to follow the choices that lead to the actions. Pray for me friends and pray that I get better. The sooner I can start loving myself wholeheartedly the better I can love her wholeheartedly and even God wholeheartedly.