Monday, December 19, 2011

Reflections of Today

I am so exhausted but I’m glad to be going back and focusing on my family for once...when my great grandparents died I was a child that didn't understand...not saying that my granny is dying but I will be there for her as much as I can. This time I will be the difference. Love mi Abuelita. I was so angry that I did not know about these other appointments. It’s her sister doing this bullshit using my grandmother’s doctors visit as some kind of ends to a means. It’s sickening.

Today I found out that her stage 2 cancer went to stage 3. It was upsetting. I hate that my mind immediately snowballs out of control. I love my grandmother so much. I feel powerless right now. I feel so sad when I see her look so brittle and fatigued. I shouldn’t think negatively but it’s hard. I know God calling her home would be what’s best for her but I want to be selfish right now. I want my kids to know their great grandmother. It hurts because in my mind she is the nicest woman ever. I hate being the adult again. I hate playing an active role in her future. I don’t want to do it to be honest.

I saw her surgery. I saw the emptiness where her breast should have been. It looked as if someone punched her chest in. I did not know how to feel or react. I just felt ashamed that there was nothing I could do. Pain constant pain for not being able to help her. I love my grandmother so much. Sometimes I lay next to her in bed and I just fall asleep. I am not a man who gets any kind of peace usually but being there …being next to her …I feel so peaceful. I feel like nothing in the world could bother me.

I am praying for the best outcome. I am leaving it in God’s hands ultimately, but faith is hard. Faith is not an easy thing. I am a selfish person who doesn’t want her to leave this Earth for anything. I am not lost and confused I am just in pain for the possibility of losing her at all in the future. I know death is inevitable but damnit why can’t I just blind myself. Why can’t I be willfully ignorant that anything is wrong? I feel like that is the best option even though consciously I will never succumb to the desires of that ignorance. My mind will never allow that. I think I feel a little bit better now that I threw all of these thoughts out there.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Jersey thoughts

This past month I have been in Jersey heavy. I found out my grandmother has cancer and later on today I find out if the cancer has spread or if it was localized. My time is CT is essentially done. Dec 31st is my last day at Haggar and while I am a little fearful of what the future holds I am also a little excited.

If anything happen to my grandmother it would be catastrophic for me. I just don’t know how I would handle that. I thank God for putting such a women in my life when my mother is just a complete and utter failure and that is putting it mildly. People always say she can’t be that bad but here is a sampling of a recent conversation I had with her. “Mom, are you coming to see Abuela?” Mom: “I have things to do I’m busy.” Me: “You realize she’s sick and just had surgery to remove the cancer!” Mom: “Well I’ve got things going on and I just don’t have the time.” Really really…she’s just a horrible person. I love her but she’s just a mean and evil person.

I think I want to do some traveling. I want to see Eddie Kevin and Mike. I think I need to figure out what I really want to do again. I have a craving for life again and a desire to do shit but it’s all meaningless without any action behind it. I miss being around smart people dying to have intellectual discussions about real shit. My friend Ryan who is a charter school teacher is thinking about starting his own school. I think it would be great and terrific. He asked me his opinion on some of the premises he wants to base the school on. It was crazy.

The theme of this trip has definitely been recognition of the shit and filth that I and some of my friends have come from to the life we live now. We weren’t victims of the poverty that surrounded us or affected us and we have been able to accomplish some meaningful things. Man me and Freke and Mike used to gather our coins together to get a meal at Crowns Fried Chicken. Now I was sitting in Frekes apt watching his 60inch tv on this vibrating reclining sofa. Life is good but we want more. It’s not more in the material sense but more in the sense we need to accomplish real things. Our abstract goals are nice but we want the tangible goals the goals we can take a bite out of. Im getting tired so Ill end it here with a quote from my cousin because I thought it was so powerful. “I think the way you love.”

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Just wondering

I been horrendous in updating this year. A couple of things have happen since Matt passed away. I think the greatest of them all is me deciding to leave Haggar. I am just so damn tired of retail. I know however going back the one field that is probably waiting for me is retail. I want to do everything that I wanted to do and felt I couldn't do in CT. I think I am going to try to enter the world of politics again. I feel really inspired by this whole occupy movement. They just need some structure. Who knows...maybe I can be that structure. I want to do a web series with Mfreke and I am definitely serious about trying to pursue production of this. I also want to get into event coordination specifically in the non profit sector. I have a lot of zest and zeal atm for taking on these multiple projects and I really want to see them through. I just hope that I am prepared for whatever road lies ahead.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

A story my little brother wrote.....


Growing up in a house with three older brothers was impulsively fun . As boys we were always up to no good finding anything on our minds to have fun. Most of the time our parent’s were gone having my oldest brother watch us, but just like us he would let his boredom conquer him and we’d all be doing the same stuff. One of our minor mischief’s include my brother and I and a bag of brand new clothes my mother had just gotten. My brother and i were doing the same thing we always do right before we do something dumb. . . . . being bored. We were sitting there watching T.V. when all of a sudden a ball of clothes hit me in the face. I grabbed the nearest bag and started throwing it at him when i got hit with another bag at the same time. I grabbed two bags and tossed them and before i knew it we were in an all out war.

After about twenty-minutes we began to tire ourselves out. We had done everything we wanted to do with the bags. The entertainment value on the bags were very low. Since we were young our idea of fun were very low and entertained us for minimal moments. My older brother’s were wiser and older then us, so when it came to ideas of fun they had the best as a kid. My oldest brother was a genius and would think of the most choatic things. One time when we used all of our notebooks at the end of the school year to make a whole bunch of paper planes in our room. On the count of three we started throwing them everywhere. The way we started out throwing them was, my oldest brother and I were on the floor and my third oldest was sitting on a dresser and my other brother was on a bunk bed. It was a room of flying paper airplanes, it was like a dream. There was another time when he got on top of my mom’s dresser which was lika sky scrapper to us at the time, then he jumped up and rolled in the air and landed on my mom’s bed. He landed and got up and started laughing, after that me and the rest of my brothers where fighting to be the next one to jump.

It was like once one of us did something, we all did. We followed each other into everything and everywhere. The trouble part was always what kept us on edge getting away with it was the best, and getting caught was the worst. I remember when ever we got into trouble my dad would come into the room and say sedately “So ...who did it” after that we had all turned into P.O.W.’s we weren’t saying anything because we already knew the worse was gonna happen, we had misbehaved, we knew we might all end up with a beating “he-he” my brother chuckled. Then afterwards we would all laugh about it saying “NO!” “Ha-Ha” “No you were scared.” We had a lot of fun adventures in so many days, every walk to school was such a great taste of the young life, taking short-cuts threw alleys, going through a friends backyard, hopping fences to run from dogs. Every crazy brained schemed idea was a childhood memory, and now I’m eighteen and my brothers are much older then I am so they have lives that they must attend to, and for no reason do i blame them for that, it’s just when I'm lonely and bored in my house my brothers are no longer there to come up with these “ Crazy brained schemey ideas.” Moral of the story cherish every moment with the people you love because you think they’ll be there forever but they won’t and sometimes can’t.

Monday, October 17, 2011

Coming Home

I haven't wrote in a while. I was looking at my Blog last night and decided to write a quite update today. I decided to leave my job and come on back to Jersey. I am so ready to start my life over and start it using everything that I have gained in CT. I am leaving Haggar and just gonna start over. It is a scary prospect but I am really amped up about this decision.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Speech at Matt's Funeral

Sometimes there are people in this world that shine and sparkle. A shine and sparkle that you can’t buy, that you can’t make, but it’s imprinted on your character at birth. Matt was one of these people. As I recall memories with Matt there is such softness and a true genuine fondness that is unparalleled. Matt is my brother and is friend. One of Matt’s favorite quotes is “Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt.” It hurts that I will never be able to hear your laugh anymore. It hurts that I won’t hear your smart ass remarks. It hurts that I will never have another adventure with you. While on this Earth Matt you enriched my life in a way I never thought possible. You introduced me to practically every friend I have in Westbrook. Your soul had a depth which that is unquestionable and an intelligence that was magnificent. Your personality was infectious in the best of ways. The only solace that I have is through this all is that the memories of you will be forever guarded in my heart. I am a better person for have known you. I believe that with all my heart.


I dont want to forget it so I decided to post it here.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Disconnection

I can't remember the last time I felt a spiritual epiphany. I find this very upsetting, although I must say I have been feeling an extra disconnection from God. I find it hard to pray because I do not know what to pray for. One thing gives me a little bit of comfort its the fact that I know that my faith even though I don't feel it, I know its not misplaced.I feel jaded and cynical. Not about faith, but life in general. I was reading my past entry on what I hope this year to be about. I don't feel that same hope. I don't feel a profound lost either. I don't feel depressed. I don't feel and that is what is at the root of my angst.

Anthony Diaz is used to operating on either end of the emotional spectrum and that is where I thrive for better or for worst. I find the dullness in normalcy to be unbearable. Life has to be more right? or does it?

My ambition and drive seems nonexistent right now. I cant pinpoint it. I find it frustrating. I want fire. I want passion. I want zeal. I need something to jump start me. I think the hopes of a possible relationship can do this or at least kick start me into the right direction. I hope once school starts my attiude has changed because I definitely don't want to drag these feelings into the world of academia.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

I dont care if white people say NIGGER!

I have been seeing issues of race come up pretty frequently in the past couple of weeks. You know what pisses me off, African Americans who can’t let shit go. Slavery and Jim Crow was so damn long ago. It has been far removed from any real direct influence in this culture. I hope ignorant people will not confuse that statement by thinking I am arguing racism does not exist because I know it still does. We also must understand so does reverse racism. Our culture is growing ever so rapidly toward being one of multiple ethnicities. We keep it stagnant by holding on to these false afrocentric ties that we keep in our own mind. Being African is beautiful being Black is beautiful, but it is important to remember that’s not all you are as a person.

I heard the arguments against planking because of the slave ships and blah blah. Planking is dumb simply because it is dumb. Another argument I hear is against the N word being used by white people. I don’t understand why Black people care so much. I have been called Nigger multiple times. I have been called a Spic multiple times. It doesn’t offend me. You know what does offend me the rate of illiteracy among minorities, the lack of education opportunity in the minority community. Most outraging is the number of minorities in prison. Those things far more incite a motivation towards anger than a simple word.

The past is the past and we must learn from it but we must not use it as some kind of excuse or some kind of reality to pigeon hold us into a slave like mentality we say we are combating. Pissing and moaning about what white society does nothing to uplift any community or yourself. Nothing says revenge like success. I have a friend who started his own Nonprofit to mentor students of Newark. I have another friend who started his own business. I know someone who lives on the same street as I grew up in Newark thinking about getting her Doctorate.

You are where you are because you have looked at the cards you were dealt and said fuck it. I am 25 half Spanish and half Black and I love both my cultures and I have felt the pains of racism not to the point where I felt my life threaten but to the point where I felt weak and ashamed. I don’t blame the actions of a few on the many. I look at my people and I see the problems are beyond a few actions and have deep roots but I also know it is time to move forward. We know the roots but we are not looking forward as a people. We let the petty arguments and logic keep us for ever "arriving". It is time to say enough is enough from our own people and stop tolerating the reverse racism. We need to go after the bigger issues.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Insomina Blows

I cant sleep and it has been awhile since Ive updated anything. Life is pretty much life. Things seem to be progressing and I think that is certainly a good thing but there is still some zeal lust and passion that I had that seems to be non existent right now. I want to re conqueror that part of me that seems to be locked away for some strange reason. For now I will stay content with the events that are currently unfolding.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

One and done is never fun!: The Case for Drinking


So this week I have the daunting task of defending the secular view of drinking and I will add in partying. I know that this is going to be tough especially since I know the argument is clear here. Colossians 3 clearly states the case and point. I know another argument is against being of the world which is that life of evil and bar hopping and sleeping around and etc. So despite all those well laid out arguments in the Word I still have to call into question the rules behind abstaining from drinking and the lifestyle, one because I have to argue the affirmative side and two it is an interesting and close to home subject. Now again before I begin I would like to offer full disclose here. I have and still do struggle with drinking. I do enjoy my Sam Adams more then I probably should. Does this make me a bad person and Christian? I can’t answer that, I feel God will call me to answer for my transgressions. Is recognition of the struggle better than an ignorant struggler?

I have to say that even though I’m involved in the “crazy” lifestyle that since being saved I have not gone “balls to the wall” as I used to do. Do I stumble, absolutely but I still maintain that I have a relationship with Christ that is not breakable by a few drops or few gallons of the spirits. I know Brendan will probably make the Ephesians 5:8 arguments. “Don't fill yourself up with wine. Getting drunk will lead to wild living. Instead, be filled with the Holy Spirit.” This is easier said than done. I know it seems like I am making excuses for the lifestyle and behavior I sometime chose but as a young Christian honestly it’s hard. I even find sometimes that I do judge other Christians in that regard. I sense that squeaky clean image and that air of moral superiority and I am just like really cmon. Can I be faulted for my struggles because they are apparent while theirs might not be? In a way they make it hard to want to be around them. I just want to be 25. I know I am called to more but we do not live in a Christian bubble.

Some people know my testimony and understand my background and say its better because of the life I used to lead. Others say that the moment I drink that beer or start to party it up with some heathens I tarnish that same testimony. I think as people we tend to look at singular actions more than we look at the body of work. If people were to judge solely on single moments of other people’s lives how could we ever stand to look at each other with love? I know it happens. I love my friends and they are some of the biggest boozers on the face of the planet. Is it really in God’s plan that I turn my back on them because I am a Christian? That I can’t drink with them and be around them seems kind of absurd. Do I put them above my love for God I don’t think I do. They have seen me drive from a night of NJ partying because I had a Fusion event or some Lighthouse program or some conference. They say, “Wow Ant you party it up, but you faithfully attend church.” There is a sense of recognition of the devotion I have to my God in my actions and their acknowledgement.

I wish I could honestly say that the canvas of my life has been painted entirely with the Holy Spirit but I can’t. I am not ashamed of who I am. I understand that there is a war raging constantly for my soul but I know the battle is won. Someday I won’t need to party it up. I won’t have that strong desire to be in that environment. I will probably get a lot of flak for ending on this note but I guess I could some it up like this 1st Corinthians 13:11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

quickie

I haven't posted in a while. I have been in a very introspective and inquisitive mood lately. I think I am depressed again. I think its just tiring to sit and wait for that defining moment. I rattle off a couple of questions in my mind sometime. Do I want too much for myself? What is this all building towards? I have also come to the conclusion I do not handle stress well at all. Work has been increasingly stressful and its pushed my desire to leave even further. The thing is another question occurs. Is moving back to Jersey the right move? Despite my emphatic hate for this state I cannot say that I haven't grown as a person and learned so much about myself in these three years. I think I need to post more I find it therapeutic.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Connect Group Meeting

I had a great time networking with another young adult ministry. Its a powerful testimony of God's glory of what is going on in these young people's lives. The Fusion conference planning seems to really be going well and tomorrow we have another meeting just to push us forward. I really cant wait until it all comes to fruition on June 18th. I will probably update about the other insanity going on in my life at some point.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

In Defense of a Status

This entry is a complete defense in my posting of my status last night. My status read, “Depression is such a serious thing. My brother attempted suicide last night. Prayers for him and the fam would be highly appreciated.” There were several comments made to the effect of how could I post such a private matter. “Ant my man not something you put up on here” “everything ain't for facebook...... it's called a private family matter !!!” “Your mom and dad said they didnt want all the family knowing and asked if u would please remove the post.”
I think it’s interesting that so often we post the most trivial of things on facebook. When it comes to something of importance or using facebook as a great tool of communication we fail in numerous regards. I asked for prayer for my brother and my family on a matter that affects a great deal of people. I asked for my friends and family on facebook for prayer. I was told this is such a private matter or a matter for the family. I laugh at that because if the family was a true family would we have allowed this to happen. Would we all have allowed for the chickens to come home roost to use a euphemism? I know it’s purely speculation on my part but it is my right to speculate. Why must we all act like we are protecting my brother?
The family doesn’t really care about my brother they care about their own damn representation of looking like a family. Why the hell would I want something like this kept internally with a family riddled with personal problem, a family that doesn’t know how to be a family except for in times of crisis. Be a family at all times. Is that really asking for too much? I want people to know. I want people to send their prayers and love to my family because the lack of prayer and love that goes on in my family is ridiculous. I don’t really think that highly of my parents that’s no secret. What I am trying to realize is that well they are going to do what best serves their interests and I have to act according to what best serves God interests and then decide how to act accordingly. It’s not easy especially since I have this deep deep desire to put everyone on blast.
My whole point is that instead of looking at this positively my family chose to look at this negatively. They didn’t see the love and prayers. I have received messages saying how they are holding my family up with hope love and prayer. Prayer works. I have seen it work in people’s lives. Prayer is powerful. My pastor said sometimes all you can do is pray and praying sometimes can be the best thing you can do. My friend message me this, “The best thing for him to do is to get help, not only secular but spiritual.” Who would think a social media site like fb could actually be used for that kind of good. These are people who don’t know my brother from a stranger on the street and they are praying for him they are sending him love. I laugh when people tell me it’s a private thing. If I could make people aware and care for a stranger and pray for another person then why the hell not? Why the hell not? Maybe if more people were willing to put there selves out there to receive to the support they truly need we could have possibly avoided this whole situation. Pray Pray Pray.

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Quickie

I been feeling really weird the last couple of days who knows what from. I'm still trying to make moves and just finish this damn semester. I just want to be done with this part of school already. I been thinking about writing some education proposals but I haven't really thought who the "audience" would be.

I think one of the great things that are coming down the pipeline are Brendan and I starting a podcast and Shaun and I starting a podcast. I think it is something that could take off or at least alleviate some stress for the both of us.

I don't really have much else going on. Some things have been going on with my little brother I'll write that in a fuller update.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Epiphany from MD

I took a step yesterday in commencing a furthering of my walk with God. I sent two emails of repentance to my ex and her parents about the sexual nature of our relationship. Later on I was talking to a buddy of mine a non-believer and he couldn’t believe what I had done. He was literally shocked. I told him this was a way of dealing with the past so I can move on and get my soul right.

Brendan had told me earlier, “It is not about making your emotions obedient to God but about being about obedient to God so your emotions are obedient.” I hope I didn’t murder that quote. That was my response to my friend. I had this conviction over the past several weeks that I was holding myself back from God because of the several un resolved issues from the relationship that I had with my ex. Brendan pointed out 1st Thessalonians 4 1-6. It’s hard to do the right thing. It is even harder to acknowledge that you are not doing the right thing and go about corrective action to bring that about. Its so much easier to bang every chick and get fucked up all the time but where is the real worth in that. I mean I quickly realized that. I gave my heart to God but mess up still and that really bothers me but the solution is simple even if I don’t want to admit it. It is stop putting myself in situations where Sin is not just readily acceptable but ready to temp the hell out of me.

I guess what I really been going through is a crisis of identity the last couple of weeks and no one really seems to get it. I have this new identity in Christ and to live that out and understand that I am dead to my old way of living is extremely hard especially if people knew the man that I once was. Ive done so much wrong and carry so much baggage that sometimes its just overwhelming. I wish I was never was that person so I didn’t have to deal with the memories or sins of my past. God has given me that life not to punish me though and that is what I am coming to understand. He has given me that life to have the strength and power to guide others and be an example to others but the thing is I don’t want to be a hypocrite. I don’t want to be a part time Christian. I want this to mean something to me and others. I want people to say man that Anthony you can see a reflection of Gods character in him. I want to be obedient. People think that means I am some brainwash Christian but its kind of freeing in a way. I describe it as having blinders on myself for years like some kind of horse. Once I gained some kind of faith I was free to see life in a different kind of way. Ive said this before that believing in something that is completely intangible is an amazing. We as human beings get stuck on the tangible and things we can prove but how short sighted and sad is that. We must be open to any possibilities and even as a Christian it does mean questioning what you hear and your faith to make sure that it is genuine.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

God has a plan for me?....Nahhhh


I really feel God working on me man and its tough. Its like cmon God I know what you want me to do but it really doesn't work out on what I want to do right now and of course to that God laughs. I know right now my heart is not into Haggar and it has not been for quite some time but the icing on the cake was my con call last week. I want to go back in Jersey but God has done everything short of putting out a big neon sign that says, " Anthony your time here is not up yet!"


Look at me currently I am on this trip with my pastor to a missions conference in Maryland and last week I was at an evangelism conference in Massachusetts. I am learning a great from these things but the real underlying tone is hey Anthony get your life together for God purpose for you. Not only that but be satisfied in that even though it does not necessarily mean its the same plan you have for yourself. How long can anybody really wrestle with God. There is that old expression shit or get off the pot. While using a profane word in an entry about God can seem crude but I am sure that God can tolerate my disobedience when it comes to His plan for me for only so long. I honestly believe God puts a burden on all of our hearts. Sometimes we are definitely not open to hearing what God has plan for us because the noise of what we have plan for us seems to resonate sooo much louder. I definitely struggle with this a great deal and but I am excited to see where the struggle takes me.