Monday, October 28, 2013

Work and relationships

I have been burying myself in work the last couple of months. It has been very good for my career development but not so much for my personal development. Professionally, I am on track to accomplish great things in my career with my company. Sometimes I get pretty stressed out about the situations I put myself in and realize it is because I care too much. I really do want to be the best at what I am doing. Usually, my alcoholism buries any type of ambition or self motivation when it comes to work, but since that is a non factor now those traits are really shining through. I need to have a healthy balance though. One of the things that I recently brought up with a friend was trying to have a healthy balance of work fun and family. Finding an equilibrium between those three things will lead to a happy life. For me it is about getting away from the work. I mean not like I am going to completely disregard my job. I just mean really start enjoying my life more and live. I am more than ever conscious about my isolationism. I realize that one it is the first step to relapse. Two that just because I am not the alcoholically induced socialite, that my life is not over.

I started trying to date again and have already had some interesting experiences. I know that I am very picky and it is going to take a strong willed women to rein me in. I just have a great attraction to a woman with a grand personality. I mean a power woman through and through. I have had fake ones that think they have it all together but don't. I have been around attractive women who are just dumb and possess no real intelligence. I have been around women who think they are intelligent and just really aren't. I am more than aware of my flaws and know that I will never receive that total package. I often find myself questioning the woman that I don't find good enough. I also catch myself filling some emotional void for my female friends. I don't necessarily have a problem with this as long as we are both aware of the situation and understand that I am at no ones beckon called.

I find myself in some interesting situations this week and doing a little bit of introspection. It has been a while and I think this time it will do me some good.

Sunday, October 27, 2013

Been a while

It has been a while since I have posted. The last time I shared about my little brother bring in the hospital. Since then he went to a detox and then a rehab. He stayed with me the night he before he went into a rehab. He even came with me to a meeting. He looked defeated and I hugged him and told him I loved him and wanted him to get better. I kind of knew in my heart of hearts he was not going to get better though. He still hasn't hit the bottom he needed to get out of this. The kid has been through a lot but I fear that now I just need to wait for that call saying he is dead somewhere. He lasted a whole 5 days in the rehab before leaving and making his way back to south jersey. My mom called my aunt saying that he is in the hospital again. I told him before he had went into the rehab that this was his last shot before the family gave up on him. He clearly doesn't care anymore and heroin has its grip on him. It is kind of devastating to watch a love one go through that. I want to do so much for him. Before he went into rehab. I paid for some new shoes for him and to get a haircut. For a moment he looked like my little brother. I miss him dearly.

Speaking about missing people. I miss my grandmother. I try and put flowers on her grave whenever I can. It is usually on a Friday or so. I posted a pic of her tombstone on fb. I don't know why. I think it was to get some emotional attention. A look at me kind of post. Hey at least I am being honest about it. I know that time will eventually heal this wound. I sent a message to my aunt saying that I have been intentionally pushing her away because she reminds me of my grandmother and I don't like being at her house because of it anymore. It is pretty selfish of me to respond like that but we all have our own way of grieving. I am going to try to work on that and be a better nephew.

Sobriety has been tough these last couple of weeks. I have made it 7 months sober. My sponsor has been an incredible help. Those around me are really encouraging me to keep trudging this road. My life has changed for the better in a lot of ways. I still have a lot of growing to do but I feel like I am laying out the ground work for a more emotionally healthy life. I just wish I wasn't as big of a spendthrift that I am. I am sure that it will get better with time.

I usually only post when there is great emotional restlessness. I guess tonight was one of those nights. I am on vacation this week so maybe I will get to post a lot and get some things out of my head and chest and be able to rest easier at night.