Saturday, December 20, 2008

The god damn lights are lit Part 2

On the way to Hells Kitchen in the ironbound three funny things happened. First the thing I neglected to mention is as it was snowing Shaun decided to throw snowballs at all of us which got the whole crew involved. So Abe of course usually gunning for me yells out FUCK YOU then hurls a monster ball at me I dodge it and watched it land with a loud ass thud on some white woman’s back. That moment was only topped by her boyfriend turning around seeing all us there and immediately saying “Oh its ok.”
There were few incidents on the train one Abe asking whether or not to inform the rest of the passengers on the path whether he has knives or not and me asking the train is it so wrong to have sex with a girl with Down syndrome and crutches. The answer to both is No by the way.

However the one moment that stands out once again including Mr. Abe Lee needs to be provided with a little background information. Abe Lee peed in two of our friends drinks. Carlos was an impromptu act of revenge for Carlos rubbing nasty ball sweat on Abe’s Hot pocket. Abe decided to pee in Meida’s drink out of sheer craziness cuz its what he does people. Carlos eventually found out about it and Meida didn’t know up til this point. On the train we were having a talk about the peeing incidents when Abe blurts out “DOES MEIDA KNOW!” As he saying this Meida is right behind him asking does Meida know what. The truth eventually comes out and Abe seals his legend becoming the Mad Pisser.

Once we get out of the path in Penn we all decided we need to use the bathroom. Of course a female crackhead tries to stroll on into the Mens bathroom while yelling “Imma gangsta” The transit cops quickly escort her out. After we all finish our bathroom break we proceed outside. Where the same lady comes up to us and asks us whether we could spare some change. To which I respond “look out shes a gangsta” and run away. Few blocks away from the scene we decide now its time to light them cigars up in honor of the celebration.

Once at Hells it was nice and empty and time to end the eve by poppin bottles of the cheapest champagne Carlos could afford. We all keep on with the drinkin. Rui makes a cameo me him Shaun talk about the store Abe eventually passes out which everyone seeks a golden opportunity for revenge. I try to color his face with marker only to fail but where I failed the rest of the gang strongly succeeded the pic of Abe with cock on his face will be posted shortly. In all the 16th was a great fuckin night.

Friday, December 19, 2008

The god damn lights are lit Part 1

A couple of months in the making the day had finally arrived December 16th our day of reckoning. I hadn’t touched the sweet Jersey soil in almost a month. Shaun was finishing up his last final. Carlos had become 21 and was about to stimulate the economy. Abe had purchased a new shirt and was itching to show it to the world.

All started with a txt “Knights of Rohan the lights of Gondor are lit. Are you ready to answer their call?” To which we all aptly responded. To signal the lights me the squad rights out to meet whatever challenge was thrown before us and tonight’s challenge was a congratulatory celebration of Shaun’s finishing of school. The eve started as usual light drinking. Abe and Shaun gravitated towards the beer pong table. Carlos and Meida towards the fooseball table and me and mu towards the seats. After watching Shaun and Abe lose consistently and Abe being pretty drunk already from drinking his Poland spring bottle of OJ and Vodka we decided to move on.

The next bar we went to was called the slaughtered lamb …on a side note Abe enjoyed the name. We decided to class it up a bit Mu Carlos Abe order Bombay sapphire martinis. Mu able to finish his and we all pretty much pressured Carlos to finish his then it comes to Abe who decides no he wont finish it but what he will do is add it to the concoction of OJ and Vodka. So he pretty much just added gin to the mix. He spills half his drink on the table starts freaking out about cleaning it takes the napkins from the tables around us trying to clean his mess. The waitress walks back looks at the mess near Abe and asks “Did you spill your drink? “ Instantaneously Abe responded with a “Nope” as he was practicing his response in his head. After all this Abe gets it in his head to start taking the utensil sets from off the table and putting them in his pocket. We proceed to leave and on to the next place.

The third bar was pretty uneventful just more boozing nothing too exciting happen. We decide to head back to the slaughtered lamb or at least another bar around there. We run into the waitress that served us outside and begins to tell her how he has her knives and would she like them back. Of course she responded with a resounding No. She gave us another bar to go to though she thought we would like. We end up walking to the bar and along the way some bouncer tries to entice us with an offer of half price drinks to which Abe responds GO fuck yourself. It’s safe to say Abe is drunk. We end up at the next bar see a bunch of suits make fun of Shaun for his eventual future and decide ehh its getting time to wrap shit up in jersey by popping bottles and smoking cigars.

to be continued

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Gamers or SEX GODS One of my Published Articles

Gamers or SEX GODS?

Well, the results of my semen article were published in last week’s Observer. Apparently, some weren’t too happy with my findings. The agitated victims, whom I referred to as chronic masturbators, are also known as the gaming club.

I decided to reach out and apologize to this advanced group of Trekkies and Lord of the Rings fans by attending one of their meetings.

Now I have been to many brothels in my day, but none hold a candle to the Rutgers Newark Gaming Club. I mean who else could master the art of love making while performing an animality plus a fatality while freezing their opponent in Mortal Kombat.

Poon rained down from the heavens like that of a monsoon unleashing a deluge upon the unsuspecting land below.

When I had called them chronic masturbators I had no knowledge of these all out sex fests that occur at their meetings. That is why I duly apologize to them.

Apparently, women find the aroma of decrepit pizza and the ability to have memorized all the back-stories of each player in Tekken highly arousing. The fact that they call their mother’s basement the fortress of solitude is down right irresistible.

I was amazed and left speechless as they obliterated me in some old school genesis games. It seemed with every A B combination, the chicks that were there became more aroused with each drop of the 32-bit blood.

I thought that it stopped there, but no my friends there was more. In the back were the true masters of their crafts. They had a special room for the experts in each of their respective fields. I met John, who was the Duke of role-playing games. Then I met Bobby, who was the Wizard of Madden. Last, but certainly not least, I met Jacob the Dumbledore of Quaker Gaming.

There was more, but I just could not keep up. These men had the women of their choosing; literally, women were lined up and these masters can choose them like slaves. Each gaming god overlooks every feature, making sure that they are rewarded with the prime pick of the lot. One woman, in an effort to entice a male, pasted Mega Man pictures to her nipples. It was quite crude. Another one had a joystick coming out of her well...children read this paper so you should know where it was coming out of.

I simply bowed to these gods of pure and utter SEX that they were. I was blinded by there sheer brilliance.

How dare I, Anthony Diaz call them chronic masturbators? How foolish and blinded I was for they are lords of the vagina, kings of the art of kama sutra, and deacons of something or another. Ah, twas an experience I shall never forget, but wait what is the title of this column; yeah…that’s right, Weird and Probably Not True. HA!

My Katrina Article I dont remember if it got publish

That whore of Mother Nature has given birth to extremely volatile bitches, also known as hurricanes Katrina, Rita, and Wilma. I understand that this is a very touchy subject, so I will do my best to uphold the memory of all those who suffered during those destructive times. However, there are so many positives that need to be seen in the wake of the horrendous and tragic events. For instance, it is because of the hurricanes that there are fewer amounts of cars and fewer people, which contributes to population control and cheaper gas prices. Another great occurrence that comes with the beauty of these storms is the clearing of the land. The residents of New Orleans already knew those buildings were old and crumbling; the storms just gave them a reason to rebuild. The reconstruction efforts will lead to new housing projects, thus creating a boom in the economy. In fact, these hurricanes can be seen as a blessing in disguise. I mean Donald trump bought up all the land down there and look what he did for NBC and The Apprentice. Also, an online poll took a survey of people who knew how to swim before and after the storm and amazingly, numerous amounts of people knew how to swim afterwards. Another intriguing result of the survey shows the amount of people who knew how to swim with objects. This has even lead to a surge in the book industry with the popular title, “How to Use Your Furniture as a Flotation Device for Dummies.” These people should also be thankful for the once in a lifetime opportunity that has been presented to them. Realistically, how many of these people would have gotten the chance to meet such celebrities as Oprah, crazy Sean Penn, or Old man Tommy Lee. They have personally come down from Mt. Olympus to help us mere mortals in our time of need and God only knows how many autograph books were filled. I speak on their behalf when I say, Thank You Katrina. So while people complain of the constant flow of water due to all the flooding, remember that you will not have to worry about problems such as a drought. Do they even take the time to think about how many people are dying in Africa because of droughts? Of course not. Plus, how many Red Cross workers and Salvation Army heads have gained bonuses from the nice donations being donated? You know they are getting a nice chunk of change from that. Lastly, while we saw the blacks “looting” goods and the whites “finding” those same goods, the basic lesson is hurricanes bring everyone free shit.

Saturday, August 30, 2008

God I love Christian Women

So I was in a sour mood last night and decided I needed to have a drink. So as I am there I see people that I have seen before and then I see a crazy 46 yr old southern woman from Virgina. At one point in the evening she tried to baptist me in the name of the lord. This of course was before she was prophetic about my future. Eventually we end up talking about her boyfriend or fiance or something or another. She mentions to me how he cheated on her once with a 24 yr old woman. I of course asked if she ever cheated on him. She immediately responds no. She said she couldn't. I begin to feel the inner ant man channeling his godlike ability of persuasion as he need to fulfill that self gratifying and self indulgent personality that ant man is. So I said to her you know the concept of being in a monogamous relationship is a man made notion. That in fact it goes against our very human nature. She undoubtedly agreed with me. So then the next thing I said to her was that there's nothing wrong with succumbing to your inner most inhibitions. She immediately made out with me sucking on neck and shoving her tongue down my throat...very raunchy. We banter a bit when she eventually offers me to come back to her place were we have freaky sex then I end up walking home after wards smoking 3 cigs along the way.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Dirty Dirty Craigs List

So its no secret that I am a very crazy individual. From time to time that leads to misadventures and dirty fat sex with strange women. So I put up a craigs list ad seeing what kind of women would respond to these things and bam I got a couple of responses. One woman which shall remain nameless came on strong and I bit. She asked me to come over 2 nights ago to share in a peace blunt. What can I say I am a weak man when it comes to my vices.
So we smoked and it was a delicious time of mental confusion and pure and utter bliss. Next then I know I'm making out with her and licking between the 2nd and 3rd neck roll it tasted of old leather and meat. It was splendid did I mentioned I was high out of my mind. Of course shes like no no we cant have sex within the first 20 mins of knowing each other. At this point I start to play her vagina as a violin and then shes like do you have a condom. I said indeed I do. Then it was on. So after the sha bam put my flip flops on and waddle out.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Abe and his Plastic Vagina

Abe has a plastic vagina
Abe had sex with said vagina
Abe wore a condom to have sex with said vagina
Abe said, said vagina was too tight
Abe has an idea
Abe places a stick of deodorant in said vagina
Abe thinks it shall loosen said vagina
Abe had sex with said vagina with stick of deodorant inside
Abe is currently selling a slightly used plastic vagina
Abe also put his thumb up his ass for no apparent reason thats another story though

Friday, March 28, 2008

Good times

All right so most people who know me also know of my sexual exploits.
One of these exploits happen to be with a former boss of mine who is also a lesibian.
So I lost contact with her and figure ehh wutever. That is until one fateful night she ims me out of no where and invites me out drinkin at one of her friends house. Im game pretty assured in my mind that sex was going to ensue that night. We pick up one of her friends gay guy who also happens to be a certified minister in the state of NJ. Yeah how random right. So anways we end up going to this chicks house whos apparently a nanny watching two young girls 14 n 15 whos bodies looked a little older then that. After a beer run and getting sauced up for about an hr we were all nice and in search of a good time so we all started dancing. Yes Yes i danced with one of the young ladies....dont judge me she had a nice ass and btw it was just a dance. Ne who we were all getting tired and decided it was time to call it a night. This is when i proceeded to convince my former boss that we needed to have sex again at my house and she quickly agreed. Good times it was a great random monday.

Friday, March 21, 2008

St Pattys Day

So we went to the Absinthe spot in Newark and drop like 150 bucks on a slew of random drinks. Abe of course had the most and did not spot there he only begun. Everyone took a shot an Absithe and then another cept me Im too old for this shit I had one and a skunky sam. Then everyone else decided to get car bombs and abe decides to get 3 shots of goldslaghter and a long island ice tea and then his car bomb. So were like lets go bar hoppin fuck it. We end up at the next spot this fuckin crazy irish spot where they look like they lynch black people we all decide to have a car bomb even i join in at this place of course to out do us abe decides to get another. Yeah I kno abe is a monster. So were like this place is lame lets go to this bar me shaun and meida hit up which is Hells Kitchen. Who do we run into but Angela and her crew which was very random. So of course we start getting crazy drunk carlos in true CS fashion is givin shots of patron and tequila to whoever wants it. He even orders two flight attendant drinks and starts cozying up to them. Abe is continuin his drunken binge and orders like 2 more car bombs and downs them. It is at this point abe is pretty drunk so what does he do he gets up starts dancing on a pole and at my urgin he takes his shirt off and begins to give one the flight attendants a lap dance. There loving it. Shaun decides to help los wingman and cudnt handle the copius amounts of alcohol being given to him so he passes out at the table. At this point its time to call it a night and hit the road we drunkenly load up into los car and then depart on our separate ways. It was an interesting nite to say the least not a true CS drunken extravaganza but a good night as well.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

First Day In Cali

So I been planning on going to see Ortega for a while now and finally this year I was able to make it happen.
He lives out on the west coast in LA. Which happens to be 2 and half hrs or 3 hrs away from TJ Mexico. So as soon as i landed he picked me up and we made moves. So we hop on the ghetto greyhound aka Fronteras Del Norte think of riding a short bus for that very 3 hrs. So naturally of course I pop 2 Tylenol pms and pass out. So next thing i kno where at the border. The Mexican border is shady sketchy and everything i expect from it.
We make our way in no one stops or checks us of course and and Mike takes me on for this ten minute walk to where the action is. On this small journey I see starving children street performers and all kinds of things you would expect to see on a Mexican side street. The first kid comes out of no where and hes like hey you while juggling 6 bean bags finishing his act by catching one on his neck. We quickly walk past. Then Mike takes me across this dark ass bridge where i am more then certain we are going to get robbed luckily we don't. We finally make it to Revoultion Ave which is like i guess broadway ny instead of theater shows there strip clubs and instead of hot dog vendors theres taco stands and the blasting of American hip hop music.
Mike first takes me down the street we are just looking at various places. Looking for a place to eat a taco or have a beer before we start the night. After a while he decides to show me the north area aka the red light district of mexico.
I will keep saying this to describe this part of TJ mexico... they call Las Vegas sin city well clearly whoever said that never been to Tijuana. The streets paved with the most beautiful mexican women your money could buy. These werent your scummy american hookers theres were beautiful women of all shapes and colors. Strip clubs galore and of coure the federalis were watching everyones every move. ........To be continued......

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

My hs personal statement for your enjoyment

I walked into the hospital and realized this would be the last time I would see my father in this world. I went into the room and approached his bed staring at his near death eyes. I took a deep breath and began to convey something that I have been waiting to say since I was younger. I looked down and began, “You were never there for me. It hurts to know that I grew up without knowing who you were. I think that is why you are laying there, suffering. I am one hell of a son and all I needed was one hell of a father, I’m sorry it had to be this way.”

I have been an adult all my life. I have taken care of myself and struggled through everyday problems. I juggled work, school and have had to provide for myself. I have carried the emotional burdens of my family and the economic responsibilities of my grandmother and my mother. This is an aspect of me is unknown to many people. Most people see the fun loving, silly Anthony. That is another part of me. Some have come to know a combination of the two. I believe I should tell you who the real Anthony is.

I am a person who lives life to the fullest. I have done things in my life that most teenagers cannot say they have. I have received a scholarship to attend college courses with a John Hopkins Program at the age of 16. I have worked four different jobs and each job has brought new experiences. An example of this is the department store Haggar. I had the opportunity to become a manager but I chose to focus on school instead. In grade school my grades were impeccable. This changed in high school dramatically. I did not feel like pursuing school. High school was a step on the ladder of life that I wanted to skip. I felt like this for most of my high school years. My desire for change, personal growth and giving to my city has steered me in the new direction of political activism and community service.

During the spring of 2003 three students and I were fed up with the condition of our building. This is when my view on high school changed. The students and I planned and lead a walk out of the student body to protest these conditions. As a leader of the walkout, I gave three speeches to boost morale among the students. I have never received a greater rush than when I saw the passion come over the students from my words. It was at this exact moment that I had the realization; I wanted to go into a life of politics.

Since that day I have wanted to change the way of life for the citizens of Newark. I want to be apart of the guiding force to propel the city of Newark into an era of greatness. I have led my life making good and bad choices. Attending Rutgers is making one step in the right direction. Rutgers has the atmosphere and high quality of education that would be beneficial to my higher learning and my future endeavors.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Ant’s 22nd B day Celebration

So I didn’t want to do anything for my bday I just wanted to stay in and sleep but of course my life doesn’t work that way. So Ryan and Tahri decide to show up and take me out to Fridays to eat drink what have you. So after 4 winter lagers I’m pretty drunk and Carlos and Shaun show up and say lets go to the Go Go.

At the Go Go we have this intense drunken scandalous evening such a good time. The dancer name Rosa who turn out to be a grandmother who was fuckin touchin my man tits and jerkin me off as im slapping her ass and shes telling me how big her pussy lips and I lick her face I became the epitome of scummiest. It was great. At the height of the nastiness and raunchiness we decide to leave being for monetary reasons.

As were driving around we see a car and abe has the brilliant idea of fucking the car up. So we leave and go to a bar. Abe comes running back saying people were there so he cudnt do it. Meanwhile in the bar Abe gets 151 and goldslagher . We find out he has a bottle of absinthe and we all take shots. Abe gos back for round 2 takes hes shoe off and starts scuffin the shit out of the car window trying to break it. Doesn’t work at alllll. My friend tells me all she heard was laughing hahaha then DRIVE DRIVE DRIVE ..The next day we found out wasn’t the persons car we thought it was.