Reflections of Today

I am so exhausted but I’m glad to be going back and focusing on my family for once...when my great grandparents died I was a child that didn't understand...not saying that my granny is dying but I will be there for her as much as I can. This time I will be the difference. Love mi Abuelita. I was so angry that I did not know about these other appointments. It’s her sister doing this bullshit using my grandmother’s doctors visit as some kind of ends to a means. It’s sickening.

Today I found out that her stage 2 cancer went to stage 3. It was upsetting. I hate that my mind immediately snowballs out of control. I love my grandmother so much. I feel powerless right now. I feel so sad when I see her look so brittle and fatigued. I shouldn’t think negatively but it’s hard. I know God calling her home would be what’s best for her but I want to be selfish right now. I want my kids to know their great grandmother. It hurts because in my mind she is the nicest woman ever. I hate being the adult again. I hate playing an active role in her future. I don’t want to do it to be honest.

I saw her surgery. I saw the emptiness where her breast should have been. It looked as if someone punched her chest in. I did not know how to feel or react. I just felt ashamed that there was nothing I could do. Pain constant pain for not being able to help her. I love my grandmother so much. Sometimes I lay next to her in bed and I just fall asleep. I am not a man who gets any kind of peace usually but being there …being next to her …I feel so peaceful. I feel like nothing in the world could bother me.

I am praying for the best outcome. I am leaving it in God’s hands ultimately, but faith is hard. Faith is not an easy thing. I am a selfish person who doesn’t want her to leave this Earth for anything. I am not lost and confused I am just in pain for the possibility of losing her at all in the future. I know death is inevitable but damnit why can’t I just blind myself. Why can’t I be willfully ignorant that anything is wrong? I feel like that is the best option even though consciously I will never succumb to the desires of that ignorance. My mind will never allow that. I think I feel a little bit better now that I threw all of these thoughts out there.

Jersey thoughts

This past month I have been in Jersey heavy. I found out my grandmother has cancer and later on today I find out if the cancer has spread or if it was localized. My time is CT is essentially done. Dec 31^st is my last day at Haggar and while I am a little fearful of what the future holds I am also a little excited.

If anything happen to my grandmother it would be catastrophic for me. I just don’t know how I would handle that. I thank God for putting such a women in my life when my mother is just a complete and utter failure and that is putting it mildly. People always say she can’t be that bad but here is a sampling of a recent conversation I had with her. “Mom, are you coming to see Abuela?” Mom: “I have things to do I’m busy.” Me: “You realize she’s sick and just had surgery to remove the cancer!” Mom: “Well I’ve got things going on and I just don’t have the time.” Really really…she’s just a horrible person. I love her but she’s just a mean and evil person.

I think I want to do some traveling. I want to see Eddie Kevin and Mike. I think I need to figure out what I really want to do again. I have a craving for life again and a desire to do shit but it’s all meaningless without any action behind it. I miss being around smart people dying to have intellectual discussions about real shit. My friend Ryan who is a charter school teacher is thinking about starting his own school. I think it would be great and terrific. He asked me his opinion on some of the premises he wants to base the school on. It was crazy.

The theme of this trip has definitely been recognition of the shit and filth that I and some of my friends have come from to the life we live now. We weren’t victims of the poverty that surrounded us or affected us and we have been able to accomplish some meaningful things. Man me and Freke and Mike used to gather our coins together to get a meal at Crowns Fried Chicken. Now I was sitting in Frekes apt watching his 60inch tv on this vibrating reclining sofa. Life is good but we want more. It’s not more in the material sense but more in the sense we need to accomplish real things. Our abstract goals are nice but we want the tangible goals the goals we can take a bite out of. Im getting tired so Ill end it here with a quote from my cousin because I thought it was so powerful. “I think the way you love.”