Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Cancer Story

                 So it was a pretty rough day at Grannys. I went over for a couple of mins. I haven't been over as much because as my previous entry stated, my aunt from Georgia is up here. She wants us to get a second opinion on my grandmother's cancer treatment and her prognosis. She also is hammering my aunt and me to become more involve in the whole process. I explain to her that we were pretty much have been but since she was around we both feel like we don't need to be around as much.

                  She was sharing why she understands how hard it is because she has been dealing with the depression of taking care of my grandmother. Today I massage my grandmother and put her in bed. It is getting brutal man. Seeing her feeble body with no hair. The traces of chemo leaving its mark on her face and hands. It really is emotionally taxing. That was a simple 40 minute visit. My aunt made the point that she asks for a lot of prayer for the strength to deal with the pain and heartache. I never really turn to God when it comes to my grandmother. Don't get me wrong. I pray for her but I never ask God to give me the strength to help her through this difficult time. 

                I want the best for her and she wants the best for me. She said she doesn't want to move in with anyone. She said the only exception would be if I got married and brought a house. She said that then she would move in with me. She said until then that it will be her in her apartment until the day that I stumble upon her body. I hate when she talks like that and she knows it. She also said something after that which kind of made me at ease. She said that this storm will pass and I need to have faith.

               The flip side to this is that as a family we have been pretty much broken in this time of need of my grandmother. It sucks that we really haven't step up our plate like we should have. We really operate independently. My aunt takes her monthly shift of care I took my monthly shift and now my other aunt from Georgia has taken hers. My mother is no where to be found and could really care less. That is a blog for another time. My cousins have not step up and I know that they'll will have their excuses. I know I have not step up as fully as I should and it really is inexcusable. I know I am not a kid anymore. I know I can't really blame it on this lostness. I just wish I did not have this responsibility sometimes. I know that is some real shit to say but it is tough man. Really fucking tough. I know my aunt is there as much as she can be, but we all have our own lives to deal with and this on top of it. Man today's visit really hit me hard. It made me wish things were different, but things aren't. Things are what they are. This is the time where you really see what you are made out of.

Monday, June 25, 2012

Developments of worth

I started drinking again. I went a solid two months before I started. It was a rough two months and I really really am disappointed in myself for not sticking it out. I am also relieved that I don't have this atlas like pressure on me anymore. I really dropped the ball on this one. I have gotten hammered since. Not often but twice really really bad. I let myself go and it doesn't offer any real value or merit to my life but I still enjoy doing it. At this point it is probably definitely safe to say I have a problem. I drink socially but in certain social situations I drink as if I were in an Olympic competition.  I don't know what I am going to do but hopefully a solution will come about or I will just simply mature to the point of not needing to black out each time I get into that "zone".

I hit up Audrey. My ex and did not get a response back. A couple of people know the story and are shocked that I hit her up after what we both did essentially to each other. She treated me like shit and I ratted out her and my sexual exploits to her parents. She did tell people that I forced her to have sex with me. A complete lie. I know everyone is thinking. What the hell? You hit her up after that. The answer is yes. I was genuinely curious to see what was going on in her life. She did not reply so no biggie. It was just an amusing thing to note though.

Granny's chemo is really taking a toll on her and it is very frustrating to be around. I especially hate the fact that I am working so much and don't really get a chance to be around her as much as I would like. I really need to step up my game when it comes to calling her and visiting her. My aunt is visiting from down south and taking her to all her appointments so me and my aunt get a little break. We are enjoying the freedom a little bit too much probably.

Next month I will be celebrating the passing of one the greatest people I know. It is so surreal. I will definitely devote a post to it but its scary that it is coming up.

Monday, June 11, 2012

Exhausted and money thoughts

I am really tired. I am busting my ass at work and I enjoy it because real change is at least apparent in the floor moves I do. I am actually working this time around instead of phoning it in like at Haggar. Modells is just a different animal from Haggar altogether. I have to give credit where credit is due and I got my training wheels at Haggar and now its time to move on. I enjoy the company and I think I have a shot at going far with it. I need to really sit down and think about my future. I have been really trying to figure out a good budget for myself and realized I can really be saving a lot of money. I really need to relearn my concepts of money and figure out that I really need to be completely invested in my future rather than just living for the moment. It is going to be really hard for me to just be honest with myself and make proactive financial decisions. I was just telling my friends all this stuff I want to buy for no particular reason other than having it. I do like being debt free. It does offer a comforting peace of mind. I want to take a mini vacation to CT I just hope I dont go bananas while I am there.

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Granny's Doc Appointment n Big Guy

It was pretty serious. Granny was pretty out of it today. She was just all around tired and not feeling well because of the chemo. She lost 4lbs and weighs about 118lbs. She lost all her hair and wears a scarf like a pirate. It cracks me up. She wanted to get a du rag to start rocking. My cousin told me that and I could not help but laugh out loud. Granny continues to be ridiculous no matter what the situation is. Sometimes when I am over her house I just stare at her as she sleeps. She will wake up in the middle of her "power nap" and sort of crack a half smile at me and it just melts my heart. Granny is the number one woman in my life always. I could not even imagine my life without her. I know I should not be thinking the worst but my mind kind of automatically goes there. I think its bad in the way, you should not be pessimistic, however I just think I should be prepare whatever the case is.

In other news, I talked to Brendan today and it was a good conversation. I really do miss the big guy and how direct he is and how much important it is to have good mentors in your life. You never get too old to have a mentor. I think it is important to have access to a level of wisdom and a perspective that we just can't see or view because we are generally in tune only to our point of view. Interesting stuff going on.