So it was a pretty rough day at Grannys. I went over for a couple of mins. I haven't been over as much because as my previous entry stated, my aunt from Georgia is up here. She wants us to get a second opinion on my grandmother's cancer treatment and her prognosis. She also is hammering my aunt and me to become more involve in the whole process. I explain to her that we were pretty much have been but since she was around we both feel like we don't need to be around as much.
She was sharing why she understands how hard it is because she has been dealing with the depression of taking care of my grandmother. Today I massage my grandmother and put her in bed. It is getting brutal man. Seeing her feeble body with no hair. The traces of chemo leaving its mark on her face and hands. It really is emotionally taxing. That was a simple 40 minute visit. My aunt made the point that she asks for a lot of prayer for the strength to deal with the pain and heartache. I never really turn to God when it comes to my grandmother. Don't get me wrong. I pray for her but I never ask God to give me the strength to help her through this difficult time.
I want the best for her and she wants the best for me. She said she doesn't want to move in with anyone. She said the only exception would be if I got married and brought a house. She said that then she would move in with me. She said until then that it will be her in her apartment until the day that I stumble upon her body. I hate when she talks like that and she knows it. She also said something after that which kind of made me at ease. She said that this storm will pass and I need to have faith.
The flip side to this is that as a family we have been pretty much broken in this time of need of my grandmother. It sucks that we really haven't step up our plate like we should have. We really operate independently. My aunt takes her monthly shift of care I took my monthly shift and now my other aunt from Georgia has taken hers. My mother is no where to be found and could really care less. That is a blog for another time. My cousins have not step up and I know that they'll will have their excuses. I know I have not step up as fully as I should and it really is inexcusable. I know I am not a kid anymore. I know I can't really blame it on this lostness. I just wish I did not have this responsibility sometimes. I know that is some real shit to say but it is tough man. Really fucking tough. I know my aunt is there as much as she can be, but we all have our own lives to deal with and this on top of it. Man today's visit really hit me hard. It made me wish things were different, but things aren't. Things are what they are. This is the time where you really see what you are made out of.