Thursday, October 28, 2010

Ant Loses his Cool

I received two calls about 10 o’clock in the morning from the one and only Delmy Diaz/Amos depending on who you are talking to. She leaves a voicemail, so I know it is serious. I call back and she frantically informs me that my brother has run away from rehab and there is a warrant out for his arrest. She also said that he is at my Grandfather’s house. I immediately call my Aunt who lives at my Grandfather’s house. She informs me that he is there and they are all weighing their options on what to do. So I offer some suggestions and include the question, “Would it make everyone feel better if I drove down?” She quickly replied, “Yes”…..*sigh*

On my way down I decided to call a couple of people one being my pastor. He has a really good talk with me about responsibility and assuming responsibility that is not mine and taking responsibility from those who need to own up to their own. This definitely changed my desire from helping my brother by further perpetuating the cycle of running to helping my brother face the music and be a man.

I get down there and I tear into my brother about consequences of his actions and how he needs to face responsibility and how his actions have adversely affected the family and so on. So then I decided that since he could not return to the program that he needed to turn himself into his P.O. He reluctantly agrees.

We get down to south jersey meet up with my mom and I receive a call from his P.O. His P.O. informs me that he is just missing and there is no warrant. He just wants him to stay put and be somewhere where he can reach him. I call my dad inform him and ask him if he is going to meet us at my mom’s house. He said no and doesn’t cite a reason why except that my mom was there. I asked him as his son to be there for his other son. Before my dad could respond the P.O. called me back and ended the convo with my Dad…lucky for him because here is what I would have said.

“Be a fucking man and be there for your son. This is your responsibility as his father to be there for him and be there for him time and time again and to never stop being there for him. How can you expect him to do the right thing as a man when the role of a man that he sees is you cowering from your responsibility! Like how could you possibly sit idly by when your son is suffering?”

It is outrageous that my brothers have made it out of this pit of a home which I could only describe as the last circle of Dante’s hell. The story gets better. While at the house the cops arrive inform us that there is no warrant and there is only a missing person’s call. So then after a while the cops get in touch with the P.O. and again no warrant and my brother is essentially off the hook. I inform the cops that I do not think that’s the best course of action and that he needs to be in police custody until his court date so 1. He does not run and 2. He does not mess up and get involve with drugs. Apparently since there is no warrant and no one pushing for one there is nothing they could do. They left….

My mom starts with the statement, “I love my kids and don’t want to see them in jail because I care about my kids.” So as Ryan put it as I was retelling this story put it, “Why, would she say a thing like that to let alone you!”

I pounded my fists on her glass table damn near shattering it and immediately with all the hurt and pain in my soul shouted at her. For once in your fucking life act like a mother and do the right thing and push for the warrant! Do the right thing for your son. She started shouting back about how she is and knows what is best. I said you’re not doing the right thing you’re clueless and if you love your son you do this. She starts crying. Nothing pushes me to continue on then to feed off her anguish. I said good that you’re in pain. Realize the errors of your ways. End up dead and alone like Michael (my biological father)! She shouted back that I ruined her life and so on blah blah….

My granny starts crying and her and my aunt start pulling me away from practically striking my mother. Nothing gets to me more than my grandmother being upset so I immediately calm down because of her heart condition and I told my mom I love her but she’s clueless and told my brother to do the right thing this time around. I am exhausted and fatigued by what went down.

My mom living in her alternate reality and my dad just so helpless from years of emotional struggle with my mom are just almost too much to bear. My grandmother was so happy that I came down she said that she was happy I was there because I always know what to do and the right thing to do. I feel like despite me being the oldest that some things are out of my hands and out of my control. It is sad when you can’t rely on the people that brought you in this world for anything.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Quick Update

I have been having a rough couple of weeks. I decided to just put up some recent quotes…

Luke 9:23 And then he said to them all: “If anyone would come after me he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me”

Hosea 6:1 Come let us return to the Lord He has torn us to pieces but he will heal us; he has injured us but he will bind up our wounds.

Busyness FOR God does not equal intimacy WITH God! Brendan

The process of brokenness is a normal and natural part of our walk with God. Brendan

I want a strong Christian woman to enter my life. I want a woman to be my helper and support. I been reading this book by Stu Weber called Tender warrior which is God’s intention for a man. It has been a tremendous help and eye opener. The role of a man in life and marriage and relationships is important to know before you get into each. Reading this book makes me appreciate strong women. Now if I can only find a decent one lol.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Some thoughts

What is the most meaningful thing to you at this point in time?

I have been reading a book called Tender Warrior by Stu Weber and it is about God’s intention for being a man. This is one of the questions posed early on in the book. Not only is it asked, but it also asks for the reader to ask this question of their friends. That is exactly what I did. I asked several of my closet friends that very question. I received some interesting responses from friend’s family to themselves. The best answer I received was from Mu. Mu said his heart is the most meaningful thing to him at this point in time. I asked him physical or emotional wellbeing of his heart. He answered both. He said that so many things came to mind when I asked the question. He said so many people raced through his head and then finally he came to the conclusion that he should choose where everything he cares about resides and that place is his heart. That was pretty deep.


I feel my walk with God has been hinder by my actions as of late and it sucks. I have been thinking very seriously about numerous relationships in my life. I like the fact that I am working on myself but there is still something lacking. I feel that I am on the cusp of a greater relationship with God. There was a great message about it in church today. Brokenness is a process with your walk with God. God breaks us so that he can rebuild us into something greater. It is something I definitely believe in. It has been at my times of complete brokenness that has propelled me forward in my character and my heart. It is when I think that I am doing well with my walk that sometimes that fire does not burn as strong. Don’t get me wrong the fire is strong. I enjoy reading my bible and fellowship and etc but when you are down and out and on your knees praying to God with a full heart that fire is burning HOT!! I enjoy that feeling I really do.