Thursday, May 7, 2009

Guido Alliance of Metrosexuals

One student group that is not found among the list of unrecognized organizations is the newly formed Guido Alliance of Metrosexuals.

I'm pretty sure you have all seen them in their little brothers' Armani Exchange shirts and the jeans they brought from DEB or Express….the women's section of course. Who can forget their personalized diesels and Italia shirts? Even in the gym the outfit remains the same.

How can anyone forget their wolverine shaped hair do with the product that they saw on the latest queer eye episode. With enough chemicals to straighten any Black persons hair.

These are the truly overt metrosexuals. Growing up Gotti rejects. But the one thing about these popped collar losers is how cool they think they are. The only thing sadder thing then them is the Indian version of the guido or the Curr-uido the curry eating branch of the guido family.

It was quite a shocker when their group did not get recognized, thus leading to one of the saddest days in the Little Italy section of University Square .

I, Anthony Diaz, took it upon myself to interview one of the young guidos, as they refer to each other. It was truly a Jane Goodall type of experience.

First, he yelled at me when I referred to the Alliance as being new and a group for the times. He then explained to me how guidos have always been around and I am seeing a modernized version of the classic guido.

I curiously asked him to continue and he explained to me what a classic guido is. The classic guido wears Adidas tracksuit; shell toes, a thick gold chain, and bushy chest hair softly rising out of his unbuttoned shirt like a ball of cotton.

I then said to myself, "The guido today is no better than the guido of yesterday."

Now as he continued to preach about the modern guido, he stated how they are similar to their idols, the Gottis (their Virgin Mary if you will).

In my mind I knew it was but a matter of seconds before he brought them punk bitches up. The Gotti's are literally one step away from being the guy behind a glory hole.

The polo's, spiked hair, perfectly plucked eyebrows. The utter joy on his face was disgusting.

It was at this point I began to notice his massive erection. I was disgusted. Then he told me the true test of any guido. The real guidos wear 2 polos with both collars popped, naturally. To show your alpha male status.

At this point I couldn't contain myself and I said, "You sir are a faggot." Then in true dirt fashion he asked me if I wanted to speak into the mic. Then he raised fists up and began to kiss his arms saying how afraid I should be to face the guns.

I laughed in his pretty face and spat on his Lacoste polo. Then he immediately fell to his knees and cried exclaiming that his parents brought him the polo from Bayonne (the guido homeland).

Normally I would laugh at such a disgrace of a man, but I actually felt bad. Seconds later I realized that they do not deserve my sympathy. To hell with those over axed smelling douche bags.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

One of my Last College Articles they actually published this shit lol

Recently there has been a lot of press in the Observer about the Student Governing Association. However nothing that has been covered in the pass will shock you more than I will with this story.

Some of the Senate members may despise President Vigario's touchy-feely method of leadership. Upon the battles within the Senate, Vigario turned once again toward his let's-just-be-best-friends methods to reform the Senate from within. And he means literally. This time, his methods have gone awry. This man is sick and needs to be stop and I the great and wonderful Anthony Diaz have to decided to speak out against these lewd and crud acts.

Vigario organized a weekend retreat to a dark neck of the woods. He called this RU Leads, but in reality it was a boot camp for group hugs. Under the influence of Dean Holloman and Dean Walton, Vigario turned even more affectionate this time. The gathering reportedly turned into a mass orgy. By mass orgy I don't mean regular good ol fashion missionary style love I'm talking about things you can only see in the videos found in the back alleys of countries like Russia and Uganda. All out shrimping and Oreo eating…terms at which I wont describe at this point to get this article published.

President Vigario always spoke of "bridging the gap" between the administration and the student body. Never had the Senate thought that he meant just that: bridging the student body. Never had the Senate suspect that the president himself would serve as the bridge, using his OWN student body. While some might think I may be only speaking negatively about President Viagario I must say this the man is very flexible and the people in Cirque Du Soleil have nothing on him.

The president always urged Senators to present their "plan of attack." To their surprise, the president's "plan of attack" involved leather. Never before has Vigario's agenda gotten so personal. Never before has Vigario been so eager to "push" his "personal agenda." Onto and into others.

President Vigario had a meeting with the Provost and he made sure that the Senate coming to the meeting was out of the question.

Why, might you ask. Because another student leader was there and Vigario didn't want to complicate things. Sergio--that's right, the own Observers editor and chief--was having a relationship with our president! We now know why the paper was so critical of Mr. Vigario and his style of leadership. The whole thing was a ploy of Mr. Vigario and Sergio to manipulate the Rutgers masses by controlling the Observer and the Sga. Just to give you a certain incite into the love feast of the two they enjoyed an act called shrimping. After two men have had anal sex, shrimping, as I know it, is the practice of one man slurping the seminal fluids out of the other's sore, red butt cheeks, often through a straw. In this case however Andrew didn't use a straw though. He used a series of pulleys and small toy-like buckets.
After finding all this information out I was completely appalled and decided it was bet to keep this to myself but then I decided where is the fun in that. I think I outdid myself with this one folks.