Thursday, July 21, 2011


I can't remember the last time I felt a spiritual epiphany. I find this very upsetting, although I must say I have been feeling an extra disconnection from God. I find it hard to pray because I do not know what to pray for. One thing gives me a little bit of comfort its the fact that I know that my faith even though I don't feel it, I know its not misplaced.I feel jaded and cynical. Not about faith, but life in general. I was reading my past entry on what I hope this year to be about. I don't feel that same hope. I don't feel a profound lost either. I don't feel depressed. I don't feel and that is what is at the root of my angst.

Anthony Diaz is used to operating on either end of the emotional spectrum and that is where I thrive for better or for worst. I find the dullness in normalcy to be unbearable. Life has to be more right? or does it?

My ambition and drive seems nonexistent right now. I cant pinpoint it. I find it frustrating. I want fire. I want passion. I want zeal. I need something to jump start me. I think the hopes of a possible relationship can do this or at least kick start me into the right direction. I hope once school starts my attiude has changed because I definitely don't want to drag these feelings into the world of academia.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

I dont care if white people say NIGGER!

I have been seeing issues of race come up pretty frequently in the past couple of weeks. You know what pisses me off, African Americans who can’t let shit go. Slavery and Jim Crow was so damn long ago. It has been far removed from any real direct influence in this culture. I hope ignorant people will not confuse that statement by thinking I am arguing racism does not exist because I know it still does. We also must understand so does reverse racism. Our culture is growing ever so rapidly toward being one of multiple ethnicities. We keep it stagnant by holding on to these false afrocentric ties that we keep in our own mind. Being African is beautiful being Black is beautiful, but it is important to remember that’s not all you are as a person.

I heard the arguments against planking because of the slave ships and blah blah. Planking is dumb simply because it is dumb. Another argument I hear is against the N word being used by white people. I don’t understand why Black people care so much. I have been called Nigger multiple times. I have been called a Spic multiple times. It doesn’t offend me. You know what does offend me the rate of illiteracy among minorities, the lack of education opportunity in the minority community. Most outraging is the number of minorities in prison. Those things far more incite a motivation towards anger than a simple word.

The past is the past and we must learn from it but we must not use it as some kind of excuse or some kind of reality to pigeon hold us into a slave like mentality we say we are combating. Pissing and moaning about what white society does nothing to uplift any community or yourself. Nothing says revenge like success. I have a friend who started his own Nonprofit to mentor students of Newark. I have another friend who started his own business. I know someone who lives on the same street as I grew up in Newark thinking about getting her Doctorate.

You are where you are because you have looked at the cards you were dealt and said fuck it. I am 25 half Spanish and half Black and I love both my cultures and I have felt the pains of racism not to the point where I felt my life threaten but to the point where I felt weak and ashamed. I don’t blame the actions of a few on the many. I look at my people and I see the problems are beyond a few actions and have deep roots but I also know it is time to move forward. We know the roots but we are not looking forward as a people. We let the petty arguments and logic keep us for ever "arriving". It is time to say enough is enough from our own people and stop tolerating the reverse racism. We need to go after the bigger issues.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Insomina Blows

I cant sleep and it has been awhile since Ive updated anything. Life is pretty much life. Things seem to be progressing and I think that is certainly a good thing but there is still some zeal lust and passion that I had that seems to be non existent right now. I want to re conqueror that part of me that seems to be locked away for some strange reason. For now I will stay content with the events that are currently unfolding.