Growth

I have experience some unprecedented growth over the last year. My friend summed it up as feeling  capable. I have to agree. I think there was some self erected walls and they were sometimes by force taken down. Earlier this year I felt some fire kindling inside of me and as per usual it went away not completely but away. While cleaning I found something a wrote a while ago during one of our conversations. I always struggle with this concept of feeling better and bigger than I ever myself could feel. I normally would bury this feeling and move on. I would ignore whatever nagging pain or stress it would cause me and suffocate it until it became only whispers until the next fight. This time during this period of growth, I have decided to face these pains head on no matter what the outcome. I feel more equipped and capable of dealing with the nonsense.

The list also included traits on how I would describe how I feel the world sees me and how I see myself. Anthonyness is .... the parenthesis contain the "why"
protector, (Too much wrong in the world)
speaker, (Loves giving a good speech)
rebel, (Justice fighter)
learner, (Woke)
catalyst for change, (Personality)
earnest, (Integrity)
sad, (Hard path)
deep pain, (Hard path)
wise, thoughtful (Try to respond with emotion and heart)
Not the mask but the truth underneath.  (Dark comedian shell is protective and lets nothing in)

Stepping up the plate is hard. Dealing with all the things are hard but it must be done. The latest meme that has struck a chord with me is "I came to change lives!" If I was put on this planet to struggle and to fight and to become better then I must deal with the ugly as well as the good. I am tired but I am not dead yet and as Brendan so eloquently yells in his rocky speech that when we are beaten and battered there is always a voice that says get up and push on. It's that whisper of the fire that I need to keep stoking in order to hit the next levels that I want.

Mondaiest Monday

Last night I have had an extremely violent dream and it fucked up my morning and who entire outlook on life. The dream was about someone who was attacking me or trying to harm me and I could not kill him. I could not stop him. No matter what the person kept on coming. The person was invincible and immortal. This is where is gets a little hazy but I think my brother tried to stop him and ended up dying in the process. This messed me up pretty bad.  I don’t know if it was because of Devin. I don’t know if it was because I couldn’t stop him. I immediately tried to make sense of this. I tried to make sense of my dream and couldn’t. There was no logical explanation for me having this dark ass dream. The only analogy I could use was that in this dream the person I could not stop was me. It was a physical manifestation of my desires to not change or desires in general. I don’t know if that makes any sense or just like usual, I am being overanalytical and too introspective. Then of course I have some special people in my life that are willing to call me out on my shit and piss me off in the right way to motivate me to move me to say let’s get it done. The phrase that she likes to use is that, “THE CITY NEEDS A HERO!” Its trueeee if not NOW when! WHEN! Be the miracle! 

You have to be courageous enough to continuously do the work that needs to be done. Fuck the doubt, fuck the fear, fuck the negative narrative. Live the purpose driven life! 

#sayhername

The Sandra Bland documentary was definitely the perfect thing to watch tonight. I have been plagued by this question of How do I make my fire sustainable? Sabre suggested affirmations and speaking things into existence to power the the fire. Another friend suggested by doing the next right thing like AA says. This is where I might go off the rails a bit but please give me a chance. Battles are won because of the people who fought them. That sounds completely like of course Anthony of course. I think the common trope or hope is that we have some great leader that rises and galvanizes the troops towards victory. Waiting for Superman, the culture seems to be waiting for Malcolm. We are living in the now. I say that to mean, we all have thoughts of what we would have done if we were around during slavery or lived during the Nazi era but we are literally living with Nazis. We are living through a systematic genocide of black and brown people under the guise of authority. The black holocaust is happening now. Black bodies hit these streets and some are appalled, some chose to ignore, I however always feel empowered. I always feel hope. I feel like I stand on their shoulders to push up and forward. That is why I continue to pour my energy into various political endeavors. Time wanes on and that fire and passion never fully subsides but diminishes a bit. It hurts me because the fact is I truly want to live my life on a hundit. The thing I tell myself is if not now then when. You don't have to be a Malcolm or a Martin to embodied their spirit. You just have to be courageous enough to continuously do the work that needs to be done. You might not get a holiday or a documentary but you will help us, the collective us, march on towards that perpetual goal of absolute freedom. The fire comes from learning about people like Sandra Bland. The fire comes from organizing small groups. The fire comes by living with a god damn sense of purpose. Her story is magnified greater because of who she was as a person. She was about that life. I never met her but I instantly have a profound and deep love for her. I need to tap into the pools of that fight energy everyday not only from her but from others. I feel it in my bones and I feel in my spirit. To borrow the phrase from Rick Warren but I am so fucking ready to live this purpose driven life.