Thursday, August 27, 2009

End of Legacy

Jersey Gardens Store 61 closed on Monday the 24th of August. To put it simply I am the man I am today because of that place. I am where I am professionally because of that store. My friends became my family in that store. The boss Rob became the father figure that I needed and looked for in that store. Jersey Gardens taught me how to take responsibility for something other than myself. It taught me to excel at something and even if it seems futile. That you still had to keep going no matter what. People say a job is just a job and I feel sorry for them because they will never understand the complete and utter joy ….well sometimes joy that I had while walking through those sensormatics. I knew that during my 8-12hrs there that I would have fun, share stories, and see crazy shit that could only happen in Elizabeth NJ. If I could count the times I had emotional breakdowns in that backroom I would be better at math. If I could count the times that Maria or Rob or anyone else brought me a meal because I didn’t have one it would be impossible. The stories, the god damn stories that we have; if those walls could talk we all would have been fired a long ass time ago. I’m sad because I feel like a big part of my life was taken away from me. I always felt no matter what Jersey Gardens Haggar store would always be there. The bonds I created with the people there I know will transcend time but we all know it just won’t be the same. I miss those guys already and it’s not like their even dead. I’ve devoted so much time and energy to that company to that store how could I not feel like I’m not losing apart of myself. I never thought a place could make a person change so much. We all grew up in that store and became men including Maria lol. I could have left the store countless times for more money at different companies but that store gave me something that I didn’t realize I had until I did leave….it gave me happiness.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Life's not all sunshine and rainbows...but you know that

When it comes to friends I probably have the best on the planet hands down. They are smart intelligent and extremely loyal. My friends always try to help me at my lowest points and try to help me see more of myself then I do.

With that said they see me going through a tough time right now. My habitual drinking is causing them a lot of pain and hurt. They feel it’s a substance abuse that will end up taking my life. I am a very depressed and emotionally unstable human being. When I get angry I drink when I get sad I drink. When there is an availability of Sam Adams or beer of my liking I drink. I’ve forgone bread to buy booze. My friends don’t understand why. They can’t possibly see the reasoning behind this. It’s because in my mind the taste of alcohol is a refreshing delight that leads to the road of forgetfulness and a pain free existence. My isolated life in CT has ruined me. I am not used to being alone hell I’m afraid of it. When I go out to drink my existence feels bearable. I see the couple of guys I know around town and it just becomes a good time. It’s not like I’m drinking on the job or blowing guys in alley for a can of naty ice. I just enjoy alcohol and I don’t see how giving it up is going to change anything. I honestly believe I will in all probability be sadder without booze in my life. It’s a sad statement but I believe it to be true.

The last couple of weeks have been exceptionally rough. Shaun of all people is coming down hard on me about my drinking. Throwing little quips in here and there and it pisses me off. I understand where he is coming from he is genuinely concern. Everyone knows though if Anthony Diaz is going to do something he is going to do it. Last night I had a convo with my boss Rob and he told me basically cut the shit and stop doing dumb shit again referring to my drinking. Rob I love with all my heart he’s been the father I wished I had as a kid. I take Rob’s word for law but I just can’t do it though. Another conversation which I initiated was with Audrey. We ended up having several arguments about this and that and then she said, “But seriously…If you wanna keep your friends….How about you trade your Sam Adams for your friends once in a while. We’d rather have a friend who’s alive over a friend who’s not.” Here’s another quote , “Yea. I feel damn betrayed. You don’t wanna accept responsibility…Fine. You never do. So stay drunk. act like a jerk.” I felt so fucking shitty after that and you know what I thought could absolve me of my problems that right another beautiful bottle of Sam.

People will never understand other people’s pain or suffering. No one will ever know what another is thinking or feeling. We can try our hardest but even walking in another man’s shoes will never give you incite to his soul. Pain is a very very personal thing. The remedy to that pain is equally as personal. We can try to console advise and bandage another person but ultimately it is always up to that person to solve their own issues. I’m not looking to solve my problems other people are looking to solve my problems. When I need help I just ask you guys be there for me.