Thursday, August 6, 2009

Life's not all sunshine and rainbows...but you know that

When it comes to friends I probably have the best on the planet hands down. They are smart intelligent and extremely loyal. My friends always try to help me at my lowest points and try to help me see more of myself then I do.

With that said they see me going through a tough time right now. My habitual drinking is causing them a lot of pain and hurt. They feel it’s a substance abuse that will end up taking my life. I am a very depressed and emotionally unstable human being. When I get angry I drink when I get sad I drink. When there is an availability of Sam Adams or beer of my liking I drink. I’ve forgone bread to buy booze. My friends don’t understand why. They can’t possibly see the reasoning behind this. It’s because in my mind the taste of alcohol is a refreshing delight that leads to the road of forgetfulness and a pain free existence. My isolated life in CT has ruined me. I am not used to being alone hell I’m afraid of it. When I go out to drink my existence feels bearable. I see the couple of guys I know around town and it just becomes a good time. It’s not like I’m drinking on the job or blowing guys in alley for a can of naty ice. I just enjoy alcohol and I don’t see how giving it up is going to change anything. I honestly believe I will in all probability be sadder without booze in my life. It’s a sad statement but I believe it to be true.

The last couple of weeks have been exceptionally rough. Shaun of all people is coming down hard on me about my drinking. Throwing little quips in here and there and it pisses me off. I understand where he is coming from he is genuinely concern. Everyone knows though if Anthony Diaz is going to do something he is going to do it. Last night I had a convo with my boss Rob and he told me basically cut the shit and stop doing dumb shit again referring to my drinking. Rob I love with all my heart he’s been the father I wished I had as a kid. I take Rob’s word for law but I just can’t do it though. Another conversation which I initiated was with Audrey. We ended up having several arguments about this and that and then she said, “But seriously…If you wanna keep your friends….How about you trade your Sam Adams for your friends once in a while. We’d rather have a friend who’s alive over a friend who’s not.” Here’s another quote , “Yea. I feel damn betrayed. You don’t wanna accept responsibility…Fine. You never do. So stay drunk. act like a jerk.” I felt so fucking shitty after that and you know what I thought could absolve me of my problems that right another beautiful bottle of Sam.

People will never understand other people’s pain or suffering. No one will ever know what another is thinking or feeling. We can try our hardest but even walking in another man’s shoes will never give you incite to his soul. Pain is a very very personal thing. The remedy to that pain is equally as personal. We can try to console advise and bandage another person but ultimately it is always up to that person to solve their own issues. I’m not looking to solve my problems other people are looking to solve my problems. When I need help I just ask you guys be there for me.

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