Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Life's not fair but you know that

I think this is the most therapeutic way I know how to deal with things. There has been so much going on the last couple of weeks and months I honestly do not know where to begin. I guess no time like the present.

I am pretty much hurting right now. I have not felt this way in a very very long time. It sucks. I closed a chapter in my life I was not ready to. That chapter brought me a lot of happiness and I hope I brought it some too. I know for a fact they are not feeling as crummy as I am and I think that hurts the most. Knowing that you give everything to someone and they don’t have to give you themselves in return is a very dangerous thing. Love is a very dangerous thing. I think back to all my crushes to all the women that have “had” my heart and I realize that I never made things easy on myself. All the women that I have pine for and that I know I could never have has never stopped me from trying. The women that I could have and wanted me are the same who I treated with disrespect and not a care.

This time was different. She said she cared for me. That she liked me and at the end she said she loved me too. Yet, I had to push her away.

Friday, November 6, 2009

The Bubblies

I find that my colon’s kryptonite is that of the wing variety, from hot to honey. Give me any amount of those delicious little fowls and I am likely to fellate the lot of you. However these little birds pay me back from beyond the grave with Bettlejuice insanity on my rectum. They bestow upon me the little gift known as the bubblies.

One of the most terrifying feelings in the world is the bubblies. You know what I mean. It starts with a small rumble/stomach gargle, then your brow and upper lip start to perspire as if you were just caught cheating on your wife. Like lighting it hits you that this shit is going down quicker than Justin Guarini’s music career.

It started early one October morning around 5am. A night of a wing feast to end all wing feasts had me soundly asleep. Instead of rumbles and gargles, my stomach was at war with itself…300 style. My stomach was hit with an invisible hot knife. Sweat began to bead off my face like a fat kid waiting at the ice cream truck on a hot summer day. I said to myself its nothing…sleep it off. My mind kicked me one more time in a stomach as if to say “Who are you kidding?!”.

I sprang to life, being that I sleep naked I had to find something to cover myself up before making my break to the bathroom. It was a frantic search for shorts and a t shirt. All the while my stomach kept on churning. I raced to the first bathroom only to find it occupied. I cursed the mighty Zeus for that. I felt the onslaught of shit coming quicker then one of my premature ejaculations. I raced to the second bathroom. I barely had time to position my cheeks over the throne as a hot stream of waste slide out my buttock. Pain and sweat was written over my face as I stared at myself in the mirror taking this mighty dump. As I type this now I tremble for the memories I tried to repress from that morning. It was one of the roughest moments of my life. I got up after barely surviving the rape of my digestive tract. My legs were weak from the fight and stomach hinting at the fact that there might be a second wave. I looked down to see the orange goo that laid in the bowl that could only be describe as gallons of what I could only imagine that Gerber carrot baby food looks like. I flushed and as I watch mounts of liquefied wings go down I was relived.

In close FDR said, “All we have to fear is fear itself.” Ladies and Gentlemen I add to that we also must also fear the bubblies. For like the Koreans, they can strike at any time and any hour.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Mad Updates Yo

I can’t really remember all the short stories but there have been a lot of them since the last time I posted. These are not in chronological order. I just needed like a catch up post so here it is.

Ant pushes down a pregnant chick.
We were at some bar in Hoboken and we see some big chick. My first reaction is to ask her if she really is pregnant. Everyone suggested this was not the right course of action. Shaun however asked her, “What trimester was she in?” She answered to our surprise. Our next question was going to be why she is then out at a bar and drinking on top of that. We decided against this. She tries dancing with me and immediately I push her head down to begin to grind on her, I however didn’t take in account her mismatch weight issues so that bitch ended up tipping over and falling over.

Abe goes to MI
There’s so much to say here that honestly this should be its own blog post. Abe meets some chick off shade(cell phone rpg game). Abe goes to chicks house in MI. Abe meets chicks husband and family. Abe bangs chick while husband is away. That’s the extremely condense story.

Freke and Me go to Science
The short one liner from this story is me debating on telling the security guard the Megan’s law line. Freke adamantly suggests against this.

Ant and Freke’s Halloween
The great story from Halloween is Freke and I went to a party and we meet some grotesque woman. Her costume was Jessica Rabbit. The sad thing was at first I thought she was a man. The second thing is she looked like Kristy Alley. It was just horrible. She sits on Frekes lap and talks him up a bit I am dying on the inside. If only I had a camera. She later walks away and then I go to Freke that bitch looks like Tim Tebow with a wig. One another note I met some insane white dude at the party who said he was so cocky he deserved his own dictionary. He said he likes talking like Ali. Overall it was just a strange and weird Halloween. Earlier in the day I gave candy outside my store and scared the shit out of some white lady good times. Also several friends said they would disown me if I wrote this as my fb status…..”It arouses me to give candy to little children.” And “So as I gave out candy I cut a hole in the bottom of the box and told the kids to dig in.” Who knew people were so touchy on pedophilia.