Tuesday, October 14, 2014
Wednesday, October 1, 2014
We all have problems and we try to find another person that can help us cope with our own bullshit while helping them cope with theirs. As I said before we use these particular people as emotional pillows while fulfilling that physical need with someone else. We enjoy the conversations and just genuinely being around that person so much that we won’t do anything to mess it up. Society today has been so compelled to put a label on something. However to do that, we feel we can upset the delicate balance that so many people in pseudo relationships work hard to establish. Another thing is that maybe the feelings are completely one sided and it seems like the other person likes us and likes the attention, the calls, the texts, the Facebook comments; when in reality they simply just like the attention. We, however, are so caught up in the possibility of them liking us that we are too blind to see and again we don’t want to ruin what we do have. We don’t want to turn the situation into something awkward and destroy the friendship. So we put up with it. Basically folks I am saying you’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t. It honestly depends how long you can stomach the situation.
That is all.
Sunday, September 28, 2014
My brother and grandmother are dead. I do not have any love aspirations. I am a workaholic. I am still sober and I am currently enrolled in college again. It seems like a wonderfully monotonous life.
I think I am going to start writing more regularly. It would help with my writing and it will help empty out the random ass thoughts that get stuck in my mind.
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
First and foremost I would like to take this time to publicly thank my friends that have held my family up in prayer and donations. As a result my resolve to make it through this lost has remained fortified.
This was the hardest thing for me to write the various emotions were at times overwhelming. No words that I could pen were good enough. No memory precious enough. No brotherly analogy powerful enough. I couldn't decide whether or not to blame family members. I couldn't decide whether or not to voice my anger at him. I couldn't decide to whether or not really let myself feel this pain.
It finally occurred to me the lost feeling that has been resonating in my being was from the realization that a piece of my soul has forever been removed from this world. Even right now as I stand here the thought that wont relent is not my brother. At my brothers worst I couldn't help but love him. Devin had a beautiful soul and to know him was to love him. My family has always had more drama than a Spanish soap opera. We could never agree on a solution for my brother, however the commonality that we shared was our love for him.
As a brother if i had the power to remove the obsession of drugs from his heart and mind, I testify before God that I would have done so. My brother lived a tragic life. No one in this room will ever know the daily pain that he carried with him. No one will ever know the overwhelming pain in his last moments.
The lost of my brother was a wake up sign and a call to action for me. Dereck and David I promise to you never to be distant and to always love you no matter what. I will be your champion and protector like I should have been for mumu. To my nephew and niece you lost your father but you gained three more. and you will not want for anything as long as there is breathe in our bodies. To everyone here let his death awake and fortify the loose bonds in your own families. Let his death be the push you need to seek help for drugs and depression. Let my brothers death not be in vain but to echo throughout eternity through the breaking of the shackles of addiction. Remember him that's all i ask is to remember him. Thank you.
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
My vision for this year is to seize and revisit life opportunities with a relentless tenacity with the prospect of lifelong equilibrium.
This is very flowery language of just saying that this year be about something. I have let some great opportunities slip through my fingers by misplacing my focus and therefore my energy. I am going to really pursue some things for myself this year. I want to look into my education past and present. I have already started on the physical but I need to maintain the commitment level that I've had in the past. Financially, I can and must be better. My spiritual must change and I must grow.
What's your vision for this year?
Sunday, January 12, 2014
I don't think I have ever been able to sleep normally, ever since giving up the booze, I don't even enjoy the refreshing black outs that once provided me with false rest. I know that this problem isn't unique and certainly isn't the minority of issues with friends. It just aggravates the living hell out of me. It is legit like torture. There is nothing on my mind. There is no work or personal related issues that is haunting me at the moment. I literally just cannot sleep. There are several "go tos" when I hit this wall. I usually play a game of chess on my tablet, I read a little bit on my kindle, I even say the sincerity prayer to give me mind some sense of comfort. I cant even find comfort in my false delusion of grandeur dreams. All of this and still tortured with an inability to sleep. I write as a last resort. I guess this thing is a sort of open letter to the masses. I guess I really am that fucked up.
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
So, its hard not to write about 2013. It was definitely a tumultuous year for me. In April I celebrated one year with my company and by June I was promoted to be in the management program. I was moved to different stores to bring my talents there and be a catalyst for change. In March I pledged to stop drinking one day at a time with the help of AA and a sponsor. Dec 23rd I celebrated 9 months sober. In June I lost the most important female role model of my life, my grandmother. It was extremely difficult but I managed to make it through that without a drink and become a stronger person as a result. I haven't been this happy and content with my life in a long time. I am very pleased with what the future holds for me. I just have to keep working and moving forward and I believe that good things will happen in my life. It won't always be easy but as the old adage goes anything worth doing isn't easy.