Saturday, December 20, 2008

The god damn lights are lit Part 2

On the way to Hells Kitchen in the ironbound three funny things happened. First the thing I neglected to mention is as it was snowing Shaun decided to throw snowballs at all of us which got the whole crew involved. So Abe of course usually gunning for me yells out FUCK YOU then hurls a monster ball at me I dodge it and watched it land with a loud ass thud on some white woman’s back. That moment was only topped by her boyfriend turning around seeing all us there and immediately saying “Oh its ok.”
There were few incidents on the train one Abe asking whether or not to inform the rest of the passengers on the path whether he has knives or not and me asking the train is it so wrong to have sex with a girl with Down syndrome and crutches. The answer to both is No by the way.

However the one moment that stands out once again including Mr. Abe Lee needs to be provided with a little background information. Abe Lee peed in two of our friends drinks. Carlos was an impromptu act of revenge for Carlos rubbing nasty ball sweat on Abe’s Hot pocket. Abe decided to pee in Meida’s drink out of sheer craziness cuz its what he does people. Carlos eventually found out about it and Meida didn’t know up til this point. On the train we were having a talk about the peeing incidents when Abe blurts out “DOES MEIDA KNOW!” As he saying this Meida is right behind him asking does Meida know what. The truth eventually comes out and Abe seals his legend becoming the Mad Pisser.

Once we get out of the path in Penn we all decided we need to use the bathroom. Of course a female crackhead tries to stroll on into the Mens bathroom while yelling “Imma gangsta” The transit cops quickly escort her out. After we all finish our bathroom break we proceed outside. Where the same lady comes up to us and asks us whether we could spare some change. To which I respond “look out shes a gangsta” and run away. Few blocks away from the scene we decide now its time to light them cigars up in honor of the celebration.

Once at Hells it was nice and empty and time to end the eve by poppin bottles of the cheapest champagne Carlos could afford. We all keep on with the drinkin. Rui makes a cameo me him Shaun talk about the store Abe eventually passes out which everyone seeks a golden opportunity for revenge. I try to color his face with marker only to fail but where I failed the rest of the gang strongly succeeded the pic of Abe with cock on his face will be posted shortly. In all the 16th was a great fuckin night.

Friday, December 19, 2008

The god damn lights are lit Part 1

A couple of months in the making the day had finally arrived December 16th our day of reckoning. I hadn’t touched the sweet Jersey soil in almost a month. Shaun was finishing up his last final. Carlos had become 21 and was about to stimulate the economy. Abe had purchased a new shirt and was itching to show it to the world.

All started with a txt “Knights of Rohan the lights of Gondor are lit. Are you ready to answer their call?” To which we all aptly responded. To signal the lights me the squad rights out to meet whatever challenge was thrown before us and tonight’s challenge was a congratulatory celebration of Shaun’s finishing of school. The eve started as usual light drinking. Abe and Shaun gravitated towards the beer pong table. Carlos and Meida towards the fooseball table and me and mu towards the seats. After watching Shaun and Abe lose consistently and Abe being pretty drunk already from drinking his Poland spring bottle of OJ and Vodka we decided to move on.

The next bar we went to was called the slaughtered lamb …on a side note Abe enjoyed the name. We decided to class it up a bit Mu Carlos Abe order Bombay sapphire martinis. Mu able to finish his and we all pretty much pressured Carlos to finish his then it comes to Abe who decides no he wont finish it but what he will do is add it to the concoction of OJ and Vodka. So he pretty much just added gin to the mix. He spills half his drink on the table starts freaking out about cleaning it takes the napkins from the tables around us trying to clean his mess. The waitress walks back looks at the mess near Abe and asks “Did you spill your drink? “ Instantaneously Abe responded with a “Nope” as he was practicing his response in his head. After all this Abe gets it in his head to start taking the utensil sets from off the table and putting them in his pocket. We proceed to leave and on to the next place.

The third bar was pretty uneventful just more boozing nothing too exciting happen. We decide to head back to the slaughtered lamb or at least another bar around there. We run into the waitress that served us outside and begins to tell her how he has her knives and would she like them back. Of course she responded with a resounding No. She gave us another bar to go to though she thought we would like. We end up walking to the bar and along the way some bouncer tries to entice us with an offer of half price drinks to which Abe responds GO fuck yourself. It’s safe to say Abe is drunk. We end up at the next bar see a bunch of suits make fun of Shaun for his eventual future and decide ehh its getting time to wrap shit up in jersey by popping bottles and smoking cigars.

to be continued

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Gamers or SEX GODS One of my Published Articles

Gamers or SEX GODS?

Well, the results of my semen article were published in last week’s Observer. Apparently, some weren’t too happy with my findings. The agitated victims, whom I referred to as chronic masturbators, are also known as the gaming club.

I decided to reach out and apologize to this advanced group of Trekkies and Lord of the Rings fans by attending one of their meetings.

Now I have been to many brothels in my day, but none hold a candle to the Rutgers Newark Gaming Club. I mean who else could master the art of love making while performing an animality plus a fatality while freezing their opponent in Mortal Kombat.

Poon rained down from the heavens like that of a monsoon unleashing a deluge upon the unsuspecting land below.

When I had called them chronic masturbators I had no knowledge of these all out sex fests that occur at their meetings. That is why I duly apologize to them.

Apparently, women find the aroma of decrepit pizza and the ability to have memorized all the back-stories of each player in Tekken highly arousing. The fact that they call their mother’s basement the fortress of solitude is down right irresistible.

I was amazed and left speechless as they obliterated me in some old school genesis games. It seemed with every A B combination, the chicks that were there became more aroused with each drop of the 32-bit blood.

I thought that it stopped there, but no my friends there was more. In the back were the true masters of their crafts. They had a special room for the experts in each of their respective fields. I met John, who was the Duke of role-playing games. Then I met Bobby, who was the Wizard of Madden. Last, but certainly not least, I met Jacob the Dumbledore of Quaker Gaming.

There was more, but I just could not keep up. These men had the women of their choosing; literally, women were lined up and these masters can choose them like slaves. Each gaming god overlooks every feature, making sure that they are rewarded with the prime pick of the lot. One woman, in an effort to entice a male, pasted Mega Man pictures to her nipples. It was quite crude. Another one had a joystick coming out of her well...children read this paper so you should know where it was coming out of.

I simply bowed to these gods of pure and utter SEX that they were. I was blinded by there sheer brilliance.

How dare I, Anthony Diaz call them chronic masturbators? How foolish and blinded I was for they are lords of the vagina, kings of the art of kama sutra, and deacons of something or another. Ah, twas an experience I shall never forget, but wait what is the title of this column; yeah…that’s right, Weird and Probably Not True. HA!

My Katrina Article I dont remember if it got publish

That whore of Mother Nature has given birth to extremely volatile bitches, also known as hurricanes Katrina, Rita, and Wilma. I understand that this is a very touchy subject, so I will do my best to uphold the memory of all those who suffered during those destructive times. However, there are so many positives that need to be seen in the wake of the horrendous and tragic events. For instance, it is because of the hurricanes that there are fewer amounts of cars and fewer people, which contributes to population control and cheaper gas prices. Another great occurrence that comes with the beauty of these storms is the clearing of the land. The residents of New Orleans already knew those buildings were old and crumbling; the storms just gave them a reason to rebuild. The reconstruction efforts will lead to new housing projects, thus creating a boom in the economy. In fact, these hurricanes can be seen as a blessing in disguise. I mean Donald trump bought up all the land down there and look what he did for NBC and The Apprentice. Also, an online poll took a survey of people who knew how to swim before and after the storm and amazingly, numerous amounts of people knew how to swim afterwards. Another intriguing result of the survey shows the amount of people who knew how to swim with objects. This has even lead to a surge in the book industry with the popular title, “How to Use Your Furniture as a Flotation Device for Dummies.” These people should also be thankful for the once in a lifetime opportunity that has been presented to them. Realistically, how many of these people would have gotten the chance to meet such celebrities as Oprah, crazy Sean Penn, or Old man Tommy Lee. They have personally come down from Mt. Olympus to help us mere mortals in our time of need and God only knows how many autograph books were filled. I speak on their behalf when I say, Thank You Katrina. So while people complain of the constant flow of water due to all the flooding, remember that you will not have to worry about problems such as a drought. Do they even take the time to think about how many people are dying in Africa because of droughts? Of course not. Plus, how many Red Cross workers and Salvation Army heads have gained bonuses from the nice donations being donated? You know they are getting a nice chunk of change from that. Lastly, while we saw the blacks “looting” goods and the whites “finding” those same goods, the basic lesson is hurricanes bring everyone free shit.