Thursday, March 31, 2011


I been feeling really weird the last couple of days who knows what from. I'm still trying to make moves and just finish this damn semester. I just want to be done with this part of school already. I been thinking about writing some education proposals but I haven't really thought who the "audience" would be.

I think one of the great things that are coming down the pipeline are Brendan and I starting a podcast and Shaun and I starting a podcast. I think it is something that could take off or at least alleviate some stress for the both of us.

I don't really have much else going on. Some things have been going on with my little brother I'll write that in a fuller update.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Epiphany from MD

I took a step yesterday in commencing a furthering of my walk with God. I sent two emails of repentance to my ex and her parents about the sexual nature of our relationship. Later on I was talking to a buddy of mine a non-believer and he couldn’t believe what I had done. He was literally shocked. I told him this was a way of dealing with the past so I can move on and get my soul right.

Brendan had told me earlier, “It is not about making your emotions obedient to God but about being about obedient to God so your emotions are obedient.” I hope I didn’t murder that quote. That was my response to my friend. I had this conviction over the past several weeks that I was holding myself back from God because of the several un resolved issues from the relationship that I had with my ex. Brendan pointed out 1st Thessalonians 4 1-6. It’s hard to do the right thing. It is even harder to acknowledge that you are not doing the right thing and go about corrective action to bring that about. Its so much easier to bang every chick and get fucked up all the time but where is the real worth in that. I mean I quickly realized that. I gave my heart to God but mess up still and that really bothers me but the solution is simple even if I don’t want to admit it. It is stop putting myself in situations where Sin is not just readily acceptable but ready to temp the hell out of me.

I guess what I really been going through is a crisis of identity the last couple of weeks and no one really seems to get it. I have this new identity in Christ and to live that out and understand that I am dead to my old way of living is extremely hard especially if people knew the man that I once was. Ive done so much wrong and carry so much baggage that sometimes its just overwhelming. I wish I was never was that person so I didn’t have to deal with the memories or sins of my past. God has given me that life not to punish me though and that is what I am coming to understand. He has given me that life to have the strength and power to guide others and be an example to others but the thing is I don’t want to be a hypocrite. I don’t want to be a part time Christian. I want this to mean something to me and others. I want people to say man that Anthony you can see a reflection of Gods character in him. I want to be obedient. People think that means I am some brainwash Christian but its kind of freeing in a way. I describe it as having blinders on myself for years like some kind of horse. Once I gained some kind of faith I was free to see life in a different kind of way. Ive said this before that believing in something that is completely intangible is an amazing. We as human beings get stuck on the tangible and things we can prove but how short sighted and sad is that. We must be open to any possibilities and even as a Christian it does mean questioning what you hear and your faith to make sure that it is genuine.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

God has a plan for me?....Nahhhh

I really feel God working on me man and its tough. Its like cmon God I know what you want me to do but it really doesn't work out on what I want to do right now and of course to that God laughs. I know right now my heart is not into Haggar and it has not been for quite some time but the icing on the cake was my con call last week. I want to go back in Jersey but God has done everything short of putting out a big neon sign that says, " Anthony your time here is not up yet!"

Look at me currently I am on this trip with my pastor to a missions conference in Maryland and last week I was at an evangelism conference in Massachusetts. I am learning a great from these things but the real underlying tone is hey Anthony get your life together for God purpose for you. Not only that but be satisfied in that even though it does not necessarily mean its the same plan you have for yourself. How long can anybody really wrestle with God. There is that old expression shit or get off the pot. While using a profane word in an entry about God can seem crude but I am sure that God can tolerate my disobedience when it comes to His plan for me for only so long. I honestly believe God puts a burden on all of our hearts. Sometimes we are definitely not open to hearing what God has plan for us because the noise of what we have plan for us seems to resonate sooo much louder. I definitely struggle with this a great deal and but I am excited to see where the struggle takes me.

Thursday, March 3, 2011


My friend Shaun and I were talking last night and the conversation eventually veered into the direction of life. There are various things we have under constant discussion and reading my entry on perspective Shaun said I really should stop looking to other people’s lives as a type of barometer for my own.

When do we as people stop doing that? Do we ever stop? I rarely use strangers to judge myself, but I definitely look towards the lives of my friends for some kind of validation to my own life. I know I am 25 and it is probably the tip of the iceberg when it comes to my life experiences. I know I’ve gone through a hell of a lot but I feel now there’s not really that guarantee that more is even possible.

I think I am fully capable of achieving a great deal; I just figured it would not have taken me this long ( Side note before I continue going down this road…Shaun this is by far not a sign of depression. I am not crying for help.) I am just doing some good old fashion introspection. I used to have the harsh problem of over-analyzing everything to the point of self-destruction.

I think in true fashion of an evolution of my thought process it has been to compartmentalize everything. The one thing that has not been able to fit in a shoebox in mind is emotions. Emotions seep through everything. We can control our emotions to a certain degrees but my problem is that hurtful and lingering emotions I tend to allow. I tend to allow those emotions simply because I can’t be the ruthless angry bastard that I used to be. I rather feel that a sense of sadness than hate. It’s weird because for so long that is what fueled me as a man, things such as hate and angry and weird sexual stories and exploits.

Something changed. Something was presented to me that I didn’t believe in or accepted. Now even that has changed too. I think I am really am kind of at a loss of identity. Shaun said last night that if I came back to jersey I wouldn’t be as spiritual as I am not. That is a real question that I must answer. I pray numerous times throughout the day and week. If I went back to Jersey what would I do in terms of my spirituality? What church would I attend if any? It’s scary. Am I using God as some kind of crutch that I once harassed so many others before me for. Brendan once said busyness for God is not intimacy with God.

This is powerful sign and statement that can be used to look critically at myself. It is truly important in that regard. Too few Christians look at themselves critically. There are too many Christians out here willing to protest military funerals or bomb abortion clinics or condemn people all in the name of God. These people should learn to follow the greatest commandment. You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and mind. The second commandment, Love your neighbor as yourself. Christians well people who call themselves that need to ask themselves when commenting these atrocities are they following those two commandments.

I know I have floated through several topics in this blog. I have a lot on my mind. I think the bottom line and summary of it all is that through looking at myself critically I shall continue to grow and with that growth comes some growing pains but once I make it through that period I am a new and better person. At least I can have the strength to do it. I remember my friend Khichi told me there is not one fork in the road that determines who we are but it is a lifelong process that determines what and who we are. We are not a mold but we are ever-changing.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011


Sometimes I wish we could really see our life as God sees it. We wouldn't worry about the tribulations of today because of the promise of tomorrow. I wish that I knew in 10 years that my life would make more sense than it does now. I just wish I had the answers to a couple of questions that's all. I wish there was a wee bit more certainty to several decisions past and present.

Recently in several conversations I bring up the topic of perspective. Perspective is probably the most important thing when it comes to rationally looking at your life. We can be the victim or we can be proactively working to put ourselves in the best position possible. We can look at the consequences of our actions and either provide a logical rational or spiritual outlook on it or we can just fully go into it emotional guns a blazing. Perspective allows us the freedom to move forward or stay in the past. It allows us to continue being hurt or to release any strongholds in our life.

Its so hard to be strong sometimes. I am not even speaking in terms of manhood but in terms of being a person. Sometimes the reality of getting up each and everyday can honestly take an emotional and physical toll on a person. I try to turn to God and let him be the well of my strength but even that act alone is a mighty and seems ever daunting.

I do not struggle with a great deal of things like I used to, however my mental battles always seem ever raging. I don't know why. I don't know where I can truly find solace. I try with Gods word but after the sermon the intense literary critique that I read the word of God with makes it hard to look at it with the same simplicity as before. I don't know. I feel the answer lies in prayer. Deep Deep prayer.