I took a step yesterday in commencing a furthering of my walk with God. I sent two emails of repentance to my ex and her parents about the sexual nature of our relationship. Later on I was talking to a buddy of mine a non-believer and he couldn’t believe what I had done. He was literally shocked. I told him this was a way of dealing with the past so I can move on and get my soul right.
Brendan had told me earlier, “It is not about making your emotions obedient to God but about being about obedient to God so your emotions are obedient.” I hope I didn’t murder that quote. That was my response to my friend. I had this conviction over the past several weeks that I was holding myself back from God because of the several un resolved issues from the relationship that I had with my ex. Brendan pointed out 1st Thessalonians 4 1-6. It’s hard to do the right thing. It is even harder to acknowledge that you are not doing the right thing and go about corrective action to bring that about. Its so much easier to bang every chick and get fucked up all the time but where is the real worth in that. I mean I quickly realized that. I gave my heart to God but mess up still and that really bothers me but the solution is simple even if I don’t want to admit it. It is stop putting myself in situations where Sin is not just readily acceptable but ready to temp the hell out of me.
I guess what I really been going through is a crisis of identity the last couple of weeks and no one really seems to get it. I have this new identity in Christ and to live that out and understand that I am dead to my old way of living is extremely hard especially if people knew the man that I once was. Ive done so much wrong and carry so much baggage that sometimes its just overwhelming. I wish I was never was that person so I didn’t have to deal with the memories or sins of my past. God has given me that life not to punish me though and that is what I am coming to understand. He has given me that life to have the strength and power to guide others and be an example to others but the thing is I don’t want to be a hypocrite. I don’t want to be a part time Christian. I want this to mean something to me and others. I want people to say man that Anthony you can see a reflection of Gods character in him. I want to be obedient. People think that means I am some brainwash Christian but its kind of freeing in a way. I describe it as having blinders on myself for years like some kind of horse. Once I gained some kind of faith I was free to see life in a different kind of way. Ive said this before that believing in something that is completely intangible is an amazing. We as human beings get stuck on the tangible and things we can prove but how short sighted and sad is that. We must be open to any possibilities and even as a Christian it does mean questioning what you hear and your faith to make sure that it is genuine.