Thursday, March 3, 2011


My friend Shaun and I were talking last night and the conversation eventually veered into the direction of life. There are various things we have under constant discussion and reading my entry on perspective Shaun said I really should stop looking to other people’s lives as a type of barometer for my own.

When do we as people stop doing that? Do we ever stop? I rarely use strangers to judge myself, but I definitely look towards the lives of my friends for some kind of validation to my own life. I know I am 25 and it is probably the tip of the iceberg when it comes to my life experiences. I know I’ve gone through a hell of a lot but I feel now there’s not really that guarantee that more is even possible.

I think I am fully capable of achieving a great deal; I just figured it would not have taken me this long ( Side note before I continue going down this road…Shaun this is by far not a sign of depression. I am not crying for help.) I am just doing some good old fashion introspection. I used to have the harsh problem of over-analyzing everything to the point of self-destruction.

I think in true fashion of an evolution of my thought process it has been to compartmentalize everything. The one thing that has not been able to fit in a shoebox in mind is emotions. Emotions seep through everything. We can control our emotions to a certain degrees but my problem is that hurtful and lingering emotions I tend to allow. I tend to allow those emotions simply because I can’t be the ruthless angry bastard that I used to be. I rather feel that a sense of sadness than hate. It’s weird because for so long that is what fueled me as a man, things such as hate and angry and weird sexual stories and exploits.

Something changed. Something was presented to me that I didn’t believe in or accepted. Now even that has changed too. I think I am really am kind of at a loss of identity. Shaun said last night that if I came back to jersey I wouldn’t be as spiritual as I am not. That is a real question that I must answer. I pray numerous times throughout the day and week. If I went back to Jersey what would I do in terms of my spirituality? What church would I attend if any? It’s scary. Am I using God as some kind of crutch that I once harassed so many others before me for. Brendan once said busyness for God is not intimacy with God.

This is powerful sign and statement that can be used to look critically at myself. It is truly important in that regard. Too few Christians look at themselves critically. There are too many Christians out here willing to protest military funerals or bomb abortion clinics or condemn people all in the name of God. These people should learn to follow the greatest commandment. You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and mind. The second commandment, Love your neighbor as yourself. Christians well people who call themselves that need to ask themselves when commenting these atrocities are they following those two commandments.

I know I have floated through several topics in this blog. I have a lot on my mind. I think the bottom line and summary of it all is that through looking at myself critically I shall continue to grow and with that growth comes some growing pains but once I make it through that period I am a new and better person. At least I can have the strength to do it. I remember my friend Khichi told me there is not one fork in the road that determines who we are but it is a lifelong process that determines what and who we are. We are not a mold but we are ever-changing.

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