Tuesday, July 21, 2009

No man is an Island

I guess the best way to start this is that no man is an island. How many times have people heard that? Hell how many times have I said it? I hear I am a brilliant man all the time but after three conversations never. That happen to me tonight and it was a revolutionary thing. It was a revolutionary thing because someone asked me what is that I could do right now to make me happy and my response was, “Be the voice of my people.” They immediately responded with jubilation. They said that God told them to ask me that question and that would be the response. It was weird everyone knows my thoughts on the big man upstairs but lately spiritually talk has been coming up. Whether its friends converting or myself converting its still has been a reoccurring theme. I don’t know if eventually I am supposed to find a righteous path and all things will fall into place from it. I don’t know how to answer questions when people say , “Your smarter than this retail thing why aren’t you doing something else?” I just don’t know anymore. For years people gravitated towards me because of my personality and my ability to speak. I loved them for it. Now my life is comprised of so many different things I don’t even know where I fall into place. I have my friends trying to guide me fearful of what I will become or fearful of an early death and I mean while keep trudging along. What am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to be? These aren’t simple questions and people still don’t have them figured out. No one is a 100% happy with his or her life so why do I have to be at this age.
The man I spoke to tonight said my mother instilled me various traits and my grandmother’s loved hell them within me. To this I was speechless…….everyone knows the hate I have for my mother and the thought of her instilling anything in me is almost vomit inducing. Its true though I say I am everything I am for the lack of presence of my real father and I am that I am for the presence of my mother. She was a cold hearted ruthless bitch that created Anthony Dawayne Diaz. She is what she is and I am what I am. He went on to say that I am ok with who I am and I should be ok with that. That God forgives me for my actions and can see into my heart. In my heart he sees kindness and hope. I don’t normally think anything of this kind of talk but I don’t know. Something really really got to me. I am not saying it was divine intervention but it sure as hell was something. I always say I’m circling the drain but not this time not this time

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