Thursday, May 7, 2009

Guido Alliance of Metrosexuals

One student group that is not found among the list of unrecognized organizations is the newly formed Guido Alliance of Metrosexuals.

I'm pretty sure you have all seen them in their little brothers' Armani Exchange shirts and the jeans they brought from DEB or Express….the women's section of course. Who can forget their personalized diesels and Italia shirts? Even in the gym the outfit remains the same.

How can anyone forget their wolverine shaped hair do with the product that they saw on the latest queer eye episode. With enough chemicals to straighten any Black persons hair.

These are the truly overt metrosexuals. Growing up Gotti rejects. But the one thing about these popped collar losers is how cool they think they are. The only thing sadder thing then them is the Indian version of the guido or the Curr-uido the curry eating branch of the guido family.

It was quite a shocker when their group did not get recognized, thus leading to one of the saddest days in the Little Italy section of University Square .

I, Anthony Diaz, took it upon myself to interview one of the young guidos, as they refer to each other. It was truly a Jane Goodall type of experience.

First, he yelled at me when I referred to the Alliance as being new and a group for the times. He then explained to me how guidos have always been around and I am seeing a modernized version of the classic guido.

I curiously asked him to continue and he explained to me what a classic guido is. The classic guido wears Adidas tracksuit; shell toes, a thick gold chain, and bushy chest hair softly rising out of his unbuttoned shirt like a ball of cotton.

I then said to myself, "The guido today is no better than the guido of yesterday."

Now as he continued to preach about the modern guido, he stated how they are similar to their idols, the Gottis (their Virgin Mary if you will).

In my mind I knew it was but a matter of seconds before he brought them punk bitches up. The Gotti's are literally one step away from being the guy behind a glory hole.

The polo's, spiked hair, perfectly plucked eyebrows. The utter joy on his face was disgusting.

It was at this point I began to notice his massive erection. I was disgusted. Then he told me the true test of any guido. The real guidos wear 2 polos with both collars popped, naturally. To show your alpha male status.

At this point I couldn't contain myself and I said, "You sir are a faggot." Then in true dirt fashion he asked me if I wanted to speak into the mic. Then he raised fists up and began to kiss his arms saying how afraid I should be to face the guns.

I laughed in his pretty face and spat on his Lacoste polo. Then he immediately fell to his knees and cried exclaiming that his parents brought him the polo from Bayonne (the guido homeland).

Normally I would laugh at such a disgrace of a man, but I actually felt bad. Seconds later I realized that they do not deserve my sympathy. To hell with those over axed smelling douche bags.

1 comment:

  1. Should I get out the champagne? Does this mean that "Weird and Probably Not True" is back?