This past month I have been in Jersey heavy. I found out my grandmother has cancer and later on today I find out if the cancer has spread or if it was localized. My time is CT is essentially done. Dec 31st is my last day at Haggar and while I am a little fearful of what the future holds I am also a little excited.
If anything happen to my grandmother it would be catastrophic for me. I just don’t know how I would handle that. I thank God for putting such a women in my life when my mother is just a complete and utter failure and that is putting it mildly. People always say she can’t be that bad but here is a sampling of a recent conversation I had with her. “Mom, are you coming to see Abuela?” Mom: “I have things to do I’m busy.” Me: “You realize she’s sick and just had surgery to remove the cancer!” Mom: “Well I’ve got things going on and I just don’t have the time.” Really really…she’s just a horrible person. I love her but she’s just a mean and evil person.
I think I want to do some traveling. I want to see Eddie Kevin and Mike. I think I need to figure out what I really want to do again. I have a craving for life again and a desire to do shit but it’s all meaningless without any action behind it. I miss being around smart people dying to have intellectual discussions about real shit. My friend Ryan who is a charter school teacher is thinking about starting his own school. I think it would be great and terrific. He asked me his opinion on some of the premises he wants to base the school on. It was crazy.
The theme of this trip has definitely been recognition of the shit and filth that I and some of my friends have come from to the life we live now. We weren’t victims of the poverty that surrounded us or affected us and we have been able to accomplish some meaningful things. Man me and Freke and Mike used to gather our coins together to get a meal at Crowns Fried Chicken. Now I was sitting in Frekes apt watching his 60inch tv on this vibrating reclining sofa. Life is good but we want more. It’s not more in the material sense but more in the sense we need to accomplish real things. Our abstract goals are nice but we want the tangible goals the goals we can take a bite out of. Im getting tired so Ill end it here with a quote from my cousin because I thought it was so powerful. “I think the way you love.”