Monday, December 19, 2011

Reflections of Today

I am so exhausted but I’m glad to be going back and focusing on my family for once...when my great grandparents died I was a child that didn't understand...not saying that my granny is dying but I will be there for her as much as I can. This time I will be the difference. Love mi Abuelita. I was so angry that I did not know about these other appointments. It’s her sister doing this bullshit using my grandmother’s doctors visit as some kind of ends to a means. It’s sickening.

Today I found out that her stage 2 cancer went to stage 3. It was upsetting. I hate that my mind immediately snowballs out of control. I love my grandmother so much. I feel powerless right now. I feel so sad when I see her look so brittle and fatigued. I shouldn’t think negatively but it’s hard. I know God calling her home would be what’s best for her but I want to be selfish right now. I want my kids to know their great grandmother. It hurts because in my mind she is the nicest woman ever. I hate being the adult again. I hate playing an active role in her future. I don’t want to do it to be honest.

I saw her surgery. I saw the emptiness where her breast should have been. It looked as if someone punched her chest in. I did not know how to feel or react. I just felt ashamed that there was nothing I could do. Pain constant pain for not being able to help her. I love my grandmother so much. Sometimes I lay next to her in bed and I just fall asleep. I am not a man who gets any kind of peace usually but being there …being next to her …I feel so peaceful. I feel like nothing in the world could bother me.

I am praying for the best outcome. I am leaving it in God’s hands ultimately, but faith is hard. Faith is not an easy thing. I am a selfish person who doesn’t want her to leave this Earth for anything. I am not lost and confused I am just in pain for the possibility of losing her at all in the future. I know death is inevitable but damnit why can’t I just blind myself. Why can’t I be willfully ignorant that anything is wrong? I feel like that is the best option even though consciously I will never succumb to the desires of that ignorance. My mind will never allow that. I think I feel a little bit better now that I threw all of these thoughts out there.

1 comment:

  1. i know it's rough, & you're right death is a natural part of life- but it sucks when death comes for those we love; we still don't know abuela's prognosis, but it will behooth us if we're not optimistic about the whole situation. I understand your frustration, but we can't assume anything @ this point, we just have to have faith in God & allow him to do his work whatever it may be- just know that we will be there for abuela in any way she needs us!