It has been a while since I have posted. The last time I shared about my little brother bring in the hospital. Since then he went to a detox and then a rehab. He stayed with me the night he before he went into a rehab. He even came with me to a meeting. He looked defeated and I hugged him and told him I loved him and wanted him to get better. I kind of knew in my heart of hearts he was not going to get better though. He still hasn't hit the bottom he needed to get out of this. The kid has been through a lot but I fear that now I just need to wait for that call saying he is dead somewhere. He lasted a whole 5 days in the rehab before leaving and making his way back to south jersey. My mom called my aunt saying that he is in the hospital again. I told him before he had went into the rehab that this was his last shot before the family gave up on him. He clearly doesn't care anymore and heroin has its grip on him. It is kind of devastating to watch a love one go through that. I want to do so much for him. Before he went into rehab. I paid for some new shoes for him and to get a haircut. For a moment he looked like my little brother. I miss him dearly.
Speaking about missing people. I miss my grandmother. I try and put flowers on her grave whenever I can. It is usually on a Friday or so. I posted a pic of her tombstone on fb. I don't know why. I think it was to get some emotional attention. A look at me kind of post. Hey at least I am being honest about it. I know that time will eventually heal this wound. I sent a message to my aunt saying that I have been intentionally pushing her away because she reminds me of my grandmother and I don't like being at her house because of it anymore. It is pretty selfish of me to respond like that but we all have our own way of grieving. I am going to try to work on that and be a better nephew.
Sobriety has been tough these last couple of weeks. I have made it 7 months sober. My sponsor has been an incredible help. Those around me are really encouraging me to keep trudging this road. My life has changed for the better in a lot of ways. I still have a lot of growing to do but I feel like I am laying out the ground work for a more emotionally healthy life. I just wish I wasn't as big of a spendthrift that I am. I am sure that it will get better with time.
I usually only post when there is great emotional restlessness. I guess tonight was one of those nights. I am on vacation this week so maybe I will get to post a lot and get some things out of my head and chest and be able to rest easier at night.