Monday, June 7, 2010
Life goes On
I am doing better. I called her today and she asked me if I understood why she did what she did. I told her I didn’t and she said her decision was based on respect. That she could not handle the full reliance that I had laid on her. That she couldn’t respect me and she couldn’t handle being a leader in the relationship. I do understand that. It does make it easier. Being in CT has made me less of the Anthony that I was before in Jersey. In Jersey I felt like I was the leader of the group and had the ability to do as I pleased. In CT, I suffered heavy from the depression and the loneliness and that put a strain on our relationship. Enough about that though, tonight’s entry is about moving forward.
I went over Jim and Carol’s today. She said some really powerful stuff that moved me. The message balled down to stop putting faith in people and things and start putting faith in God. The tender things that I entrusted Audrey; I should and need to entrust God with. Be dependent on God not people. It resonated in me deeply. My relationship was a hard and yet a beautiful thing but as sun rises again I am sure that this too shall pass. The good thing is I really do not want be with anyone I do want companionship but focusing on my faith does not sound like a bad step. I just replaced alcohol with Audrey. She is only human. I cannot put my faith in her without putting my faith in God wholeheartedly first. She has issues just like I have issues. So we were two people with two completely different builds trying to create a union with each other but no union with God. All we can do is live our lives. People come and go in your life but God is always there. I am only 24 and as much as this hurts life will go on.