Tuesday, June 1, 2010
I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you.
There are very few things in this life that as powerful and amazing as love. The problem with love is that, it just does not rely on two people but on multiple people and various and numerous ever changing variables. There is constant outside pressure telling you to respond in this way or that way. You constantly measure your own relationship to other ones. We do that even though technically we only see what is on the outside and we don’t see other relationships in their entirety.
I have struggle with a lot of the above. I have changed a lot in the past couple of months and it is hard to get use to having a new meaning in your life, especially when you have been self sufficient for so long. It is hard to allow your well being to mean something to someone else. It is hard to travel this road. Even if I cry out to the heavens I would like to utterly and emphatically state I would not revert back. I allow too many people access to my mind. I have allowed too much access to the process in which I make decisions. It is rarely just Anthony deciding to be Anthony but hordes of people reaching a consensus on what it is Anthony needs to do. There is nothing wrong with seeking advice but when that advice outweighs your own personal direction and beliefs then there is a problem.
I love my girlfriend with all my heart. I have allowed my depression to interfere with our relationship. I want to apologize for that. Depression is not an easy thing. For the longest time I have allowed it to rule me and my decisions. I have allowed it a seat at a table of judgment in my mind for far too long. He has owned and controlled the rest of my emotions and what I am really trying to say is no more. You do not have power over me anymore. Easier said than done right, well I honestly believe you got to say it before you can start to follow the choices that lead to the actions. Pray for me friends and pray that I get better. The sooner I can start loving myself wholeheartedly the better I can love her wholeheartedly and even God wholeheartedly.