Being optimistic does not come naturally to me. In fact it is probably one of the most unnatural feelings I think I can feel. It is rough living life being the underdog when I know I’m not. Reading the bible has been a great help. I am amazed how people say that the bible is not relevant to life today. There are so many underdogs in the bible. There are so many people who just could not walk with God like they should have. I get so ashamed when I feel like I am not living the life I should be. It is not necessarily from my actions but my thoughts. Why can’t I think like a normal person? I mean that in the sense where I am not just constantly feeling down because of this reason or that reason. I look at my life and I have plenty of things to be happy about. The people the relationships and even memories so amazingly wonderful that I should get that deep and fuzzy feeling every time I think of any of those.
It is almost like the Ed Stetzer quote. "Stop trying to capture the glory of your past and find God’s vision for your future." I constantly am trying to recapture some glory from my past and that leads my thoughts and patterns into a backwards direction and an irrational thought patterns. Everything is so psychological and to control that is to control everything. Being a slave to your emotions is a dangerous thing. I have to fight as hard as I can. I know I can do it. I have the will and I know there is a way. Sometimes I stop and I try to tell myself, "You know Ant; life is not that bad!"