Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6
The problem is I have been relying on my own understanding of things for the past 24 years. Hmm, I wonder why for the past 24 years I have not seemed to be ok with anything. When you are more self sufficient in your life you are less reliant on God. I have been self sufficient most of my life. My mom is pretty much a nonexistent factor in my life and I have fought hard to maintain some kind of stability in my life financially and emotionally. Both of these things were done through my own means. I try to rationalize every single action and tried to understand every single thing that has been done to me and that I have done.
I even try to rationalize my faith and I run into troubles. Is my faith a house of cards easily knocked down or is it a stronghold that is impenetrable? The problem it seems to me is even trying to rationalize my faith. I should not try to measure up to some fictional Christian barometer or even Christians that I do know, but instead try to ask myself am I demonstrating my faith through my actions. Am I honoring God on a daily basis through my deeds and through living a Christ like testimonial?
Another problem that I faced was being fearful and distraught by running these questions through an over analytical maze in my mind. My Pastor tonight gave me Philippians 2:12-14 to read. “Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose. Do everything without complaining or arguing,”
This to me coincides with Proverbs. It is all really about trusting in God, even when I am fearful and trembling about my own salvation and faith. To truly trust and understand God’s will, it is implied that it is done without complaining and arguing. I can no longer fight God. I have to give him the keys and let him conduct the train of my life. At this point in my journey I really got to give it to God. Let thy will be done. It really is that simple.