Earlier this year I was pretty set on going to bible college. I wanted to learn the "church ops" field if there is such a thing. This kind of relates to my earlier post about dreams. I really believed in this goal. Something happened and I literally lost the taste and desire for God and the bible college. My life is pretty interesting. The opportunities and chances that are afforded to me are almost incalculable. I'm disappointed in myself for letting something else slip through the cracks. I honestly am afraid of speaking about anything else out loud for a fear of a conscious self delusion. How fuck is that. I'm afraid to dream because I know in the end it will mean nothing. I guess that's why I've enjoyed watching the dreams of others. I've enjoyed the sidelines even though I may piss and moan about it. I'm not even depressed so I couldn't even say that's the reason for the apparent mental anguish. I really wish I knew the remedy for this. What was it for Neo? Taking the blue or red pill. Somethings gotta give. Some mental epiphany.