I went to the bible study last night and as usual I just felt like shit afterwards. Don’t get me wrong it, is a beautiful time and great fellowship but I just constantly struggling with God. I said last night I needed to be offended by the gospel to realize how much of a scumbag I was and am sometimes. It is a perpetual battle that I just refuse to lose. I know I will lose I know I must lose but I still refuse to just let go and let God. I am tired of just looking over that cliff of submission and constantly rejecting to take the leap. I find myself in situations that I know are morally compromising and still make the bad choices. I look to the Christian examples around me and I feel ashamed that I am not where I should be. I know I shouldn’t measure my walk of faith against others, but I am only human. The desire for change is not as strong as the realization of my sin. When I realized I was a sinner and decided it was time to give my life to God I was ready I was on fire I was hunger for the word and nothing else. Now that that flame has turned down a bit I’ve let old habits seep in. It has not been worse since moving to Nj but the lack of a home church has made it come to a head. I miss my church family. They help me grow as a person a tremendous deal in CT. I realized that when I went back. I missed them. They were crazy but I learned so much from everyone there. I am very picky. The churches that I’ve been to have scared the hell out of me. So many people go but I don’t think they are getting the right message. People make church about the emotions or the traditions or this or that but what about making the church about God. That seems like an old fashion thing but if you asked me I think it’s worth a shot. You know what else bothers me here. My scumbag friends holding me to a set a rules they don’t even hold to themselves but its ok because I’m the one proclaiming to be a Christian they are only proclaiming to believe in God such a cop out if you ask me.