God has a plan for me?....Nahhhh

I really feel God working on me man and its tough. Its like cmon God I know what you want me to do but it really doesn't work out on what I want to do right now and of course to that God laughs. I know right now my heart is not into Haggar and it has not been for quite some time but the icing on the cake was my con call last week. I want to go back in Jersey but God has done everything short of putting out a big neon sign that says, " Anthony your time here is not up yet!"


Look at me currently I am on this trip with my pastor to a missions conference in Maryland and last week I was at an evangelism conference in Massachusetts. I am learning a great from these things but the real underlying tone is hey Anthony get your life together for God purpose for you. Not only that but be satisfied in that even though it does not necessarily mean its the same plan you have for yourself. How long can anybody really wrestle with God. There is that old expression shit or get off the pot. While using a profane word in an entry about God can seem crude but I am sure that God can tolerate my disobedience when it comes to His plan for me for only so long. I honestly believe God puts a burden on all of our hearts. Sometimes we are definitely not open to hearing what God has plan for us because the noise of what we have plan for us seems to resonate sooo much louder. I definitely struggle with this a great deal and but I am excited to see where the struggle takes me.

Introspection

My friend Shaun and I were talking last night and the conversation eventually veered into the direction of life. There are various things we have under constant discussion and reading my entry on perspective Shaun said I really should stop looking to other people’s lives as a type of barometer for my own.

When do we as people stop doing that? Do we ever stop? I rarely use strangers to judge myself, but I definitely look towards the lives of my friends for some kind of validation to my own life. I know I am 25 and it is probably the tip of the iceberg when it comes to my life experiences. I know I’ve gone through a hell of a lot but I feel now there’s not really that guarantee that more is even possible.

I think I am fully capable of achieving a great deal; I just figured it would not have taken me this long ( Side note before I continue going down this road…Shaun this is by far not a sign of depression. I am not crying for help.) I am just doing some good old fashion introspection. I used to have the harsh problem of over-analyzing everything to the point of self-destruction.

I think in true fashion of an evolution of my thought process it has been to compartmentalize everything. The one thing that has not been able to fit in a shoebox in mind is emotions. Emotions seep through everything. We can control our emotions to a certain degrees but my problem is that hurtful and lingering emotions I tend to allow. I tend to allow those emotions simply because I can’t be the ruthless angry bastard that I used to be. I rather feel that a sense of sadness than hate. It’s weird because for so long that is what fueled me as a man, things such as hate and angry and weird sexual stories and exploits.

Something changed. Something was presented to me that I didn’t believe in or accepted. Now even that has changed too. I think I am really am kind of at a loss of identity. Shaun said last night that if I came back to jersey I wouldn’t be as spiritual as I am not. That is a real question that I must answer. I pray numerous times throughout the day and week. If I went back to Jersey what would I do in terms of my spirituality? What church would I attend if any? It’s scary. Am I using God as some kind of crutch that I once harassed so many others before me for. Brendan once said busyness for God is not intimacy with God.

This is powerful sign and statement that can be used to look critically at myself. It is truly important in that regard. Too few Christians look at themselves critically. There are too many Christians out here willing to protest military funerals or bomb abortion clinics or condemn people all in the name of God. These people should learn to follow the greatest commandment. You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and mind. The second commandment, Love your neighbor as yourself. Christians well people who call themselves that need to ask themselves when commenting these atrocities are they following those two commandments.

I know I have floated through several topics in this blog. I have a lot on my mind. I think the bottom line and summary of it all is that through looking at myself critically I shall continue to grow and with that growth comes some growing pains but once I make it through that period I am a new and better person. At least I can have the strength to do it. I remember my friend Khichi told me there is not one fork in the road that determines who we are but it is a lifelong process that determines what and who we are. We are not a mold but we are ever-changing.

Perspective

Sometimes I wish we could really see our life as God sees it. We wouldn't worry about the tribulations of today because of the promise of tomorrow. I wish that I knew in 10 years that my life would make more sense than it does now. I just wish I had the answers to a couple of questions that's all. I wish there was a wee bit more certainty to several decisions past and present.

Recently in several conversations I bring up the topic of perspective. Perspective is probably the most important thing when it comes to rationally looking at your life. We can be the victim or we can be proactively working to put ourselves in the best position possible. We can look at the consequences of our actions and either provide a logical rational or spiritual outlook on it or we can just fully go into it emotional guns a blazing. Perspective allows us the freedom to move forward or stay in the past. It allows us to continue being hurt or to release any strongholds in our life.

Its so hard to be strong sometimes. I am not even speaking in terms of manhood but in terms of being a person. Sometimes the reality of getting up each and everyday can honestly take an emotional and physical toll on a person. I try to turn to God and let him be the well of my strength but even that act alone is a mighty and seems ever daunting.

I do not struggle with a great deal of things like I used to, however my mental battles always seem ever raging. I don't know why. I don't know where I can truly find solace. I try with Gods word but after the sermon the intense literary critique that I read the word of God with makes it hard to look at it with the same simplicity as before. I don't know. I feel the answer lies in prayer. Deep Deep prayer.

Me preaching on Colossians 3: 1-17

My mother has cancer.

I went to lunch with my grandmother and I found out that my mother has cancer and I really do not care. It is sad to say that the emotional disconnection between my mother and I has come to this point. I still love her because of the basic fact she is my mother. How much more goes into raising a child? It certainly not a matter of just simply bearing one. I am sure there is more to come from this. I told one of my brothers and father the news because my mother did not want to. She lied about her surgery and it was my grandmother who told me the truth. I want them to know the truth and maybe they can help her in this time much more than I can.

On a more positive note, I cant really ever remember a time where I heard my grandmother pray. Hearing her pray today at lunch was kind of amazing and I dont know really why. It just was amazing. I really do love her. I guess that is why I can feel the disconnection with my mother.

Anyways I am really excited for my Atlantic City trip and it looks like its going to be a good one.

My Birthday Woop Woop

Today, I am 25 and I feel great. This year I am full of optimism and hope for this year. I feel really comfortable in my skin. I do have some casual bouts of anxiety and depression but they tend to be fleeting moments. I really feel comfortable about my life and the direction I am headed. I wanted todays update to be the first post of 2011 even though there have been some eventful events that occurred this month.

I think on the big things that is taking place is that Lighthouse has a building. It is awesome that literally a year ago I was an infant in Christ and I have been able to grow in my walk with God and despite the occasional slip up I have been put on path which there is no going back from. Its great and I have even acceptable the task of preparing and preaching a sermon on the 20th.

Shaun’s birthday was fun and different. I like when we can summon all the crew together and just reminisce about the old times and have some fun. It’s so good to laugh with the crew and at each other’s expense of course.

I should be finish with my associate’s degree in the summer and we’ll see where I end up after that. Haggar is going well and it’s just the same thing and another year. My DM was fired and replace and life goes on. I am encouraged each day and just moving forward. I am excited to see what God has in stored for me this year. It’s in his hands and because of that I know I can go wrong.

Christmas Traditions

Christmas means different things to different people. As a Christian the answer easily becomes the birth of Christ and etc etc. For other people it means family time and presents. I have never really been one for presents even though occasionally I do like giving them. This Christmas was the 2nd year in the row were Shaun and I and this time Abe went down to Rob’s house for Christmas to spend it with his family for dinner and great deserts. It definitely did not feel like Christmas until we hit Rob’s house. The atmosphere in there was just overflowing with kindness care and love. From the two beagles decked out in Christmas attire to the 1200 light bulbs on the Christmas tree. The best was being described the rule of thumb on how to properly light a Christmas tree. It was really a good time. Side note it was also great having breakfast with Shaun's grandparents for the 2nd year in a row. It was nice hearing the stories of when they used to date 40 some odd years ago.

I have to talk about Christmas eve because I hung out with Freke and Abe and it was just a fun time and a great way to bring in the holiday. Secondly, because I reached out to Audrey and wished her a happy holiday. That was just interesting because part of me wanted to do it and the other part didn’t but I figured what the hell there is nothing wrong with being kind on Christmas. Happy Holidays I hope everyone enjoy theirs as much as I enjoyed mine.