I went to an AA meeting today. It was pretty interesting. I like these group of guys. I really really want to be sober or at least not drink as much. I think the best thing about it, was these guys knew exactly what I was talking about. They could relate. They could identify. The stories they had were extremely powerful. I was very hesitant to write this post because lets be honest. I do have a drink problem that I have struggled for years with. Its funny because one of the guys said its not your problem more like your solution. Your solution for good days your solution for bad days and etc. I want more out of life. I want to reconnect with God. I want to find my path again. I think i am going to go to the meetings when I can. They said don't set long term goals. Its all about the next 24 hours. Lets see what the next 24hrs have in stored for me.
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Update
There has not been much that has been going in my life. Nothing really crazy. There are a couple of outlandish typical Anthonyesque stories but I will save that for another time.
I guess something recent that happen was that a friend asked me to a sperm donor for her child. It definitely shocked me. I love this girl but I feel that she would be making a crazy life decision at such a young age. I know that she is pretty bitter about love and has a couple of failed relationships but that is no reason to give up on love. Most of my friends call me the romantic and that I wear my heart on my sleeve and blah blah blah. I think its because as I am cynical about the world, I am quite the opposite when it comes to love. I think that people often times don't take a chance on anything and go out of their way to play it safe when they shouldn't. I told her to pray about it first and I will pray about it to really really think things threw. The ramifications of this would be long lasting and quite significant.
The other thing that happen of worth was that my great aunt died. It is crazy because a lot of people said they were sorry for my lost and the immediate response was "No its ok, I really didnt like her". My cousins were really heart broken and I am close to them so I did feel bad for their lost but I do remember the dark and hateful things their grandmother has done to my grandmother. I know as a Christian I am called to forgive but man that woman is up there with the devil himself. It was heart wrenching to say the least to watch my grandmother go threw so much pain over the death of her sister. After we buried her sister, my grandmother's sister in law wanted us to take care of my grandmother's arrangements. We know this is a little messed up and morbid but from a logistical and practical standpoint it was a good decision. My grandmother picked out her card her casket and things that she wanted read and other weird odd and ends. Every time I think about my grandmother dying it really really makes my heart ache. While we were there my Aunt told her she couldn't pass away until her daughters give her grandchildren. My grandmother threw in that she wouldn't pass away until she knew I was married with a woman who cooked and clean for me. I love her so much. Shes so crazy but I love her.
I guess something recent that happen was that a friend asked me to a sperm donor for her child. It definitely shocked me. I love this girl but I feel that she would be making a crazy life decision at such a young age. I know that she is pretty bitter about love and has a couple of failed relationships but that is no reason to give up on love. Most of my friends call me the romantic and that I wear my heart on my sleeve and blah blah blah. I think its because as I am cynical about the world, I am quite the opposite when it comes to love. I think that people often times don't take a chance on anything and go out of their way to play it safe when they shouldn't. I told her to pray about it first and I will pray about it to really really think things threw. The ramifications of this would be long lasting and quite significant.
The other thing that happen of worth was that my great aunt died. It is crazy because a lot of people said they were sorry for my lost and the immediate response was "No its ok, I really didnt like her". My cousins were really heart broken and I am close to them so I did feel bad for their lost but I do remember the dark and hateful things their grandmother has done to my grandmother. I know as a Christian I am called to forgive but man that woman is up there with the devil himself. It was heart wrenching to say the least to watch my grandmother go threw so much pain over the death of her sister. After we buried her sister, my grandmother's sister in law wanted us to take care of my grandmother's arrangements. We know this is a little messed up and morbid but from a logistical and practical standpoint it was a good decision. My grandmother picked out her card her casket and things that she wanted read and other weird odd and ends. Every time I think about my grandmother dying it really really makes my heart ache. While we were there my Aunt told her she couldn't pass away until her daughters give her grandchildren. My grandmother threw in that she wouldn't pass away until she knew I was married with a woman who cooked and clean for me. I love her so much. Shes so crazy but I love her.
Sunday, July 1, 2012
A conversation between mother and son
My mother is beyond the craziest woman on this planet. I went to go see my grandmother today and her and my Aunt from Georgia have been pestering about taking them to go see my mother for quite some time. I finally cave today. I did not have any real plans so I said sure why not. I already know that this trip is going to end with me pissed off and my mother cackling like the witch from the Wizard of Oz.
I tried calling her and she didn't answer her phone. We get down there and I remember where her old apartment is but not her new one. I am already angry at this point. I get her new apt info from one of her friends. I knock on the door and none other but my drug addict thieving brother answers the door. He doesn't know where my mother is but eventually thinks she is at her friends house. I tell him to get her and she comes and already comes in yelling about something or another. I decide to leave at this point to go see my other brother and dad. I come back and my grandmother has decided she is tired and ready to leave. She goes to the bathroom, so I decide this is the time to talk to my mother. I tell her you see she is dying and all she wants is to see you. My mother's response, I don't give a shit! I am dying too! I start getting angry and tell her that I don't understand that as her daughter, how can she not feel any responsibility towards her own mother. Her response, I wont be crying at her funeral. This doesn't bother me. I don't have time to be running up to north jersey just because she is dying with cancer.
At this point I already see the futility of my arguments and just say its time to go. My mother is insane and I love her but she is insane. I know people think I am one cold hearted bastard but that woman takes the cake.
I tried calling her and she didn't answer her phone. We get down there and I remember where her old apartment is but not her new one. I am already angry at this point. I get her new apt info from one of her friends. I knock on the door and none other but my drug addict thieving brother answers the door. He doesn't know where my mother is but eventually thinks she is at her friends house. I tell him to get her and she comes and already comes in yelling about something or another. I decide to leave at this point to go see my other brother and dad. I come back and my grandmother has decided she is tired and ready to leave. She goes to the bathroom, so I decide this is the time to talk to my mother. I tell her you see she is dying and all she wants is to see you. My mother's response, I don't give a shit! I am dying too! I start getting angry and tell her that I don't understand that as her daughter, how can she not feel any responsibility towards her own mother. Her response, I wont be crying at her funeral. This doesn't bother me. I don't have time to be running up to north jersey just because she is dying with cancer.
At this point I already see the futility of my arguments and just say its time to go. My mother is insane and I love her but she is insane. I know people think I am one cold hearted bastard but that woman takes the cake.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Cancer Story
So it was a pretty rough day at Grannys. I went over for a couple of mins. I haven't been over as much because as my previous entry stated, my aunt from Georgia is up here. She wants us to get a second opinion on my grandmother's cancer treatment and her prognosis. She also is hammering my aunt and me to become more involve in the whole process. I explain to her that we were pretty much have been but since she was around we both feel like we don't need to be around as much.
She was sharing why she understands how hard it is because she has been dealing with the depression of taking care of my grandmother. Today I massage my grandmother and put her in bed. It is getting brutal man. Seeing her feeble body with no hair. The traces of chemo leaving its mark on her face and hands. It really is emotionally taxing. That was a simple 40 minute visit. My aunt made the point that she asks for a lot of prayer for the strength to deal with the pain and heartache. I never really turn to God when it comes to my grandmother. Don't get me wrong. I pray for her but I never ask God to give me the strength to help her through this difficult time.
I want the best for her and she wants the best for me. She said she doesn't want to move in with anyone. She said the only exception would be if I got married and brought a house. She said that then she would move in with me. She said until then that it will be her in her apartment until the day that I stumble upon her body. I hate when she talks like that and she knows it. She also said something after that which kind of made me at ease. She said that this storm will pass and I need to have faith.
The flip side to this is that as a family we have been pretty much broken in this time of need of my grandmother. It sucks that we really haven't step up our plate like we should have. We really operate independently. My aunt takes her monthly shift of care I took my monthly shift and now my other aunt from Georgia has taken hers. My mother is no where to be found and could really care less. That is a blog for another time. My cousins have not step up and I know that they'll will have their excuses. I know I have not step up as fully as I should and it really is inexcusable. I know I am not a kid anymore. I know I can't really blame it on this lostness. I just wish I did not have this responsibility sometimes. I know that is some real shit to say but it is tough man. Really fucking tough. I know my aunt is there as much as she can be, but we all have our own lives to deal with and this on top of it. Man today's visit really hit me hard. It made me wish things were different, but things aren't. Things are what they are. This is the time where you really see what you are made out of.
She was sharing why she understands how hard it is because she has been dealing with the depression of taking care of my grandmother. Today I massage my grandmother and put her in bed. It is getting brutal man. Seeing her feeble body with no hair. The traces of chemo leaving its mark on her face and hands. It really is emotionally taxing. That was a simple 40 minute visit. My aunt made the point that she asks for a lot of prayer for the strength to deal with the pain and heartache. I never really turn to God when it comes to my grandmother. Don't get me wrong. I pray for her but I never ask God to give me the strength to help her through this difficult time.
I want the best for her and she wants the best for me. She said she doesn't want to move in with anyone. She said the only exception would be if I got married and brought a house. She said that then she would move in with me. She said until then that it will be her in her apartment until the day that I stumble upon her body. I hate when she talks like that and she knows it. She also said something after that which kind of made me at ease. She said that this storm will pass and I need to have faith.
The flip side to this is that as a family we have been pretty much broken in this time of need of my grandmother. It sucks that we really haven't step up our plate like we should have. We really operate independently. My aunt takes her monthly shift of care I took my monthly shift and now my other aunt from Georgia has taken hers. My mother is no where to be found and could really care less. That is a blog for another time. My cousins have not step up and I know that they'll will have their excuses. I know I have not step up as fully as I should and it really is inexcusable. I know I am not a kid anymore. I know I can't really blame it on this lostness. I just wish I did not have this responsibility sometimes. I know that is some real shit to say but it is tough man. Really fucking tough. I know my aunt is there as much as she can be, but we all have our own lives to deal with and this on top of it. Man today's visit really hit me hard. It made me wish things were different, but things aren't. Things are what they are. This is the time where you really see what you are made out of.
Monday, June 25, 2012
Developments of worth
I started drinking again. I went a solid two months before I started. It was a rough two months and I really really am disappointed in myself for not sticking it out. I am also relieved that I don't have this atlas like pressure on me anymore. I really dropped the ball on this one. I have gotten hammered since. Not often but twice really really bad. I let myself go and it doesn't offer any real value or merit to my life but I still enjoy doing it. At this point it is probably definitely safe to say I have a problem. I drink socially but in certain social situations I drink as if I were in an Olympic competition. I don't know what I am going to do but hopefully a solution will come about or I will just simply mature to the point of not needing to black out each time I get into that "zone".
I hit up Audrey. My ex and did not get a response back. A couple of people know the story and are shocked that I hit her up after what we both did essentially to each other. She treated me like shit and I ratted out her and my sexual exploits to her parents. She did tell people that I forced her to have sex with me. A complete lie. I know everyone is thinking. What the hell? You hit her up after that. The answer is yes. I was genuinely curious to see what was going on in her life. She did not reply so no biggie. It was just an amusing thing to note though.
Granny's chemo is really taking a toll on her and it is very frustrating to be around. I especially hate the fact that I am working so much and don't really get a chance to be around her as much as I would like. I really need to step up my game when it comes to calling her and visiting her. My aunt is visiting from down south and taking her to all her appointments so me and my aunt get a little break. We are enjoying the freedom a little bit too much probably.
Next month I will be celebrating the passing of one the greatest people I know. It is so surreal. I will definitely devote a post to it but its scary that it is coming up.
I hit up Audrey. My ex and did not get a response back. A couple of people know the story and are shocked that I hit her up after what we both did essentially to each other. She treated me like shit and I ratted out her and my sexual exploits to her parents. She did tell people that I forced her to have sex with me. A complete lie. I know everyone is thinking. What the hell? You hit her up after that. The answer is yes. I was genuinely curious to see what was going on in her life. She did not reply so no biggie. It was just an amusing thing to note though.
Granny's chemo is really taking a toll on her and it is very frustrating to be around. I especially hate the fact that I am working so much and don't really get a chance to be around her as much as I would like. I really need to step up my game when it comes to calling her and visiting her. My aunt is visiting from down south and taking her to all her appointments so me and my aunt get a little break. We are enjoying the freedom a little bit too much probably.
Next month I will be celebrating the passing of one the greatest people I know. It is so surreal. I will definitely devote a post to it but its scary that it is coming up.
Monday, June 11, 2012
Exhausted and money thoughts
I am really tired. I am busting my ass at work and I enjoy it because real change is at least apparent in the floor moves I do. I am actually working this time around instead of phoning it in like at Haggar. Modells is just a different animal from Haggar altogether. I have to give credit where credit is due and I got my training wheels at Haggar and now its time to move on. I enjoy the company and I think I have a shot at going far with it. I need to really sit down and think about my future. I have been really trying to figure out a good budget for myself and realized I can really be saving a lot of money. I really need to relearn my concepts of money and figure out that I really need to be completely invested in my future rather than just living for the moment. It is going to be really hard for me to just be honest with myself and make proactive financial decisions. I was just telling my friends all this stuff I want to buy for no particular reason other than having it. I do like being debt free. It does offer a comforting peace of mind. I want to take a mini vacation to CT I just hope I dont go bananas while I am there.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Granny's Doc Appointment n Big Guy
It was pretty serious. Granny was pretty out of it today. She was just all around tired and not feeling well because of the chemo. She lost 4lbs and weighs about 118lbs. She lost all her hair and wears a scarf like a pirate. It cracks me up. She wanted to get a du rag to start rocking. My cousin told me that and I could not help but laugh out loud. Granny continues to be ridiculous no matter what the situation is. Sometimes when I am over her house I just stare at her as she sleeps. She will wake up in the middle of her "power nap" and sort of crack a half smile at me and it just melts my heart. Granny is the number one woman in my life always. I could not even imagine my life without her. I know I should not be thinking the worst but my mind kind of automatically goes there. I think its bad in the way, you should not be pessimistic, however I just think I should be prepare whatever the case is.
In other news, I talked to Brendan today and it was a good conversation. I really do miss the big guy and how direct he is and how much important it is to have good mentors in your life. You never get too old to have a mentor. I think it is important to have access to a level of wisdom and a perspective that we just can't see or view because we are generally in tune only to our point of view. Interesting stuff going on.
In other news, I talked to Brendan today and it was a good conversation. I really do miss the big guy and how direct he is and how much important it is to have good mentors in your life. You never get too old to have a mentor. I think it is important to have access to a level of wisdom and a perspective that we just can't see or view because we are generally in tune only to our point of view. Interesting stuff going on.
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