It was pretty serious. Granny was pretty out of it today. She was just all around tired and not feeling well because of the chemo. She lost 4lbs and weighs about 118lbs. She lost all her hair and wears a scarf like a pirate. It cracks me up. She wanted to get a du rag to start rocking. My cousin told me that and I could not help but laugh out loud. Granny continues to be ridiculous no matter what the situation is. Sometimes when I am over her house I just stare at her as she sleeps. She will wake up in the middle of her "power nap" and sort of crack a half smile at me and it just melts my heart. Granny is the number one woman in my life always. I could not even imagine my life without her. I know I should not be thinking the worst but my mind kind of automatically goes there. I think its bad in the way, you should not be pessimistic, however I just think I should be prepare whatever the case is.
In other news, I talked to Brendan today and it was a good conversation. I really do miss the big guy and how direct he is and how much important it is to have good mentors in your life. You never get too old to have a mentor. I think it is important to have access to a level of wisdom and a perspective that we just can't see or view because we are generally in tune only to our point of view. Interesting stuff going on.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Good ol Jersey
So I think I left my car door unlocked and some kids pretty much stole some things out of my car. They got my fancy Ecko watch and my ipod nano. They left other things in the car like my headset and my car charger but the thing that really bothered me was the glasses that I got out of Matt's car were smashed on the ground right outside the car. It bothered me a little bit those glasses did not have much monetary value but the sentimental value was through the roof. I also was not as pissed off about the missing items if anything I felt violated. I was like shit someone else was in car, but I am over it. They didn't break any of the windows or pee on my seats so I guess I have a lot to be thankful for.
Shaun and I had a lengthy discussion about my previous blog post about pursuing my education. He feels that I think it is a golden ticket of some sorts. I told him I do believe it to be a golden ticket. I feel very limited by my lack of education. I feel on paper it would be a substantial increase to my value. At least on paper anyway. I see so many people doing these "top notch" jobs and having this interesting careers and realistically the only thing separating myself from them is a bachelor's degree. I want to achieve more and accomplish more. Shaun pointed out very correctly though that the potential has always been there for me to accomplish and achieve more but I still lack any type of direction and focus. This to me goes back to being inconsistent most of all. I still don't know. I don't think it is a prideful for me to say, I have been great a lot of things but I really never mastered anything. The two weighing options are some type of ministry work or teaching. Not sure but I will still continue grinding!
Shaun and I had a lengthy discussion about my previous blog post about pursuing my education. He feels that I think it is a golden ticket of some sorts. I told him I do believe it to be a golden ticket. I feel very limited by my lack of education. I feel on paper it would be a substantial increase to my value. At least on paper anyway. I see so many people doing these "top notch" jobs and having this interesting careers and realistically the only thing separating myself from them is a bachelor's degree. I want to achieve more and accomplish more. Shaun pointed out very correctly though that the potential has always been there for me to accomplish and achieve more but I still lack any type of direction and focus. This to me goes back to being inconsistent most of all. I still don't know. I don't think it is a prideful for me to say, I have been great a lot of things but I really never mastered anything. The two weighing options are some type of ministry work or teaching. Not sure but I will still continue grinding!
Monday, May 28, 2012
Return to RU?
So there is a chance that I might be returning to Rutgers Newark. What kind of crazy shit would that be? Last night I wrote about consistency and wanting to finish strong. It would almost be serendipitous if I returned to Rutgers Newark and finished my degree. I am a completely different person than I was back when I went to school my first go around. I have a different head on my shoulders and the same distractions are almost non existent to me now. I would go back to become a history major only. I would not try to double major with political science. I am sure if I took this route that I wouldn't necessarily go into ministry but perhaps become a teacher. I would not mind teaching in Newark but I know the burden could be heavy though. I just want a degree because I am tired of feeling devalued. I know that if you work hard enough and take advantage of every opportunity given to you that you will go far in life. I know that there are some terrific opportunities available to you but I wholeheartedly believe that education is a clear propellant to success. I have tons of experience in my life all I need is the documents to back it up. Once I have that degree I will open up the doors to new worlds.
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Consistency
I have an interesting run so far in Jersey. The return home has been extremely enlightening. There have been times of frustration and joy and happiness. There have been times where I am sad because of my grandmother’s future. There are times were the possibilities are completely limitless because I am no long stuck in the bubble of Westbrook, Ct. I dearly miss the people. We are even coming up in 2 months a year from the passing of my friend Matt. It still has a profound effect on me. It still feels new oddly enough. Jersey is just different. People do not understand because they have been here all their life or they take nice vacations but never stay long periods of time elsewhere. Being close to my friends and family has made me feel very peaceful inside. Everyone harps on me about education stating that is the piece missing from my life and holding me back. I’m not sure if that is true or not but I do want to finish school, but this last semester just made me realize I am not a strong finisher. I am inconsistent with a lot of things and I need to change that. It is extremely tough to change. I was also so determine to go into ministry and I just feel lost right now. I don’t have that strong desire and burning anymore and I think it is because of pride issues. I have a lot going on but I am confident that at least finding the flaws are the first step to taking the right direction. I just need to literally will myself to change.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Update
I haven't wrote in a while and it kills me because so many different things are happening or have happen. I cant really think of anything I want to mention in particular right now. I got a new car and I am extremely happy about that even though it is not that good on gas it is one hell of a ride however. Many of my friends are going through some tremendous life altering changes and it is a beautiful thing. My grandmother started chemo and I saw her today and she did not look that well and she is still being stubborn on moving out. I hate pleading with her and I know I am being a pessimist here but I honestly find it hard to see her going through this all and making it out at the end. I am here for her when I can be and I think I need to leave it at that. That is another blog for another time. I got two D's in my online classes. I was not focus at all. The good thing is I believe they still count towards my degree so I should my associates degree anyway. That at least is my hope. I am looking at taking online classes for BBC since it would be dramatically cheaper than trying to dorm there in Sept. I also sent my old RU counselor an email asking if he thinks he could get me back into Rutgers Newark. That would be interesting to say the least. I know if allowed this time around it wouldn't be the same. My pastor had a conversation with me recently and asked me about my calling and I was so adamant about being a pastor or going into full time ministry that it seemed like a given. It was not until the FUSION conference that I felt this burning issue of pride and anger that that all changed. I am working through a lot of my issues and I have been asking people to pray that God breaks me so he can rebuild me. I need to break myself from the persona that is Anthony and just leave God in there. These are tough themes in my life but I am learning to overcome and keep my nose to the ground. I will try to write an entry on something more specific tomorrow.
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Drunk Bastards
Well last night sobriety finally caught up to me as I flipped out on my drunk friends for not wanting to leave at 2am. They wanted to chill around and talk to some drunk chick who obviously had a bf. They both were hammered and I do recognize the irony in the situation. I was extremely tired and I just wanted to leave. I had been sipping on ginger ales all night long and seen so many drunk people that I was tempted as ridiculous as that sounds. It is a lifestyle that is easy to get caught up in. I love being the life of the party which makes me influential. I said in a previous blog that I feel I am popular person who is very influential in the groups I run in. I am glad I have stop drinking and I recognize that its a hard lifestyle change but like I've said before its a necessary one.
Sunday, March 25, 2012
1st Peter 4:12-19
NASB
12Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal among you, which comes upon you for your testing, as though some strange thing were happening to you; 13 but to the degree that you share the sufferings of Christ, keep on rejoicing, so that also at the revelation of His glory you may rejoice with exultation. 14 If you are reviled for the name of Christ, you are blessed, because the Spirit of glory and of God rests on you. 15 Make sure that none of you suffers as a murderer, or thief, or evildoer, or a troublesome meddler; 16 but if anyone suffers as a Christian, he is not to be ashamed, but is to glorify God in this name. 17 For it is time for judgment to begin with the household of God; and if it begins with us first, what will be the outcome for those who do not obey the gospel of God? 18 AND IF IT IS WITH DIFFICULTY THAT THE RIGHTEOUS IS SAVED, WHAT WILL BECOME OF THE GODLESS MAN AND THE SINNER? 19 Therefore, those also who suffer according to the will of God shall entrust their souls to a faithful Creator in doing what is right.
NIV
12 Dear friends, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal that has come on you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. 13 But rejoice inasmuch as you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed. 14 If you are insulted because of the name of Christ, you are blessed, for the Spirit of glory and of God rests on you. 15 If you suffer, it should not be as a murderer or thief or any other kind of criminal, or even as a meddler. 16 However, if you suffer as a Christian, do not be ashamed, but praise God that you bear that name. 17 For it is time for judgment to begin with God’s household; and if it begins with us, what will the outcome be for those who do not obey the gospel of God? 18 And, “If it is hard for the righteous to be saved,
what will become of the ungodly and the sinner?” 19 So then, those who suffer according to God’s will should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good.
This is an interesting passage for several reasons. The first reason is on this very blog I announced my sobriety pledge and then I proceeded to do on FB and it was met with different reactions. From Baaaaahahahahahahahahahahaha.... to Anthony, you're awesome! Good 4 you, you are always in my prayers...God's our strength in every circumstance. Phil. 4:13 :) It is very interesting that I explain the logic behind my decision as something to bring glory to God and my testimony as a Christian recently. The reaction again ranged. People are really not too quite sure to make of it. This is just a small sampling of what has been happening to me in recent weeks. I have some of the best friends in the world. We don’t hold each other back and we are brutally honest with one another to the point where it would make a normal man be shattered in spirit. I get constantly made fun of for my faith. They see it as a crutch and as a friend recently penned, “Christianity is not a crutch it is more of a defibrillator” They see every mistake I make and jump at the chance to mock me and poke fun at my faith. This bothered me for a while and but then it was not until last week that it bothered me enough to prompt me to action. In their mocking and teasing was actually advice. I did need to make a change.
While I understand that this “suffering” is not quite the suffering faced by Christians in the Middle East or Christians in the time of Jesus but it is a different kind of suffering. I am glad to wear my faith and to announce that I am a Christian and I should be prepared to deal with whatever kind of “hardships” that leaves me with. I think how many people are ashamed to say they love God or they need God. I think about the people who are quick to mock Christians at the first sign of failure. It is almost insulting to our brothers and sisters who are dying for their faith while we struggle to live out ours. I always remember the first time I gave my life to Christ. I fell in love with my faith. That love put something in my heart that I could only label as fire. We were on fire for God the day we accepted Jesus as our savior. If it was a scripture we wanted to read it. If it was the gospel we were sharing it. If someone was in need we were providing. Hold onto that fire that God placed into your heart and never let it go no matter what. Let each and every day be a new day to fall in love with God all over again. Let everyday be a new day to live out and share your faith. If you suffer for your faith wear that suffering like a badge of courage. You’re a Christian! You are a creation of God and the moment you announce that it is your duty to do everything to bring glory to His name.
12Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal among you, which comes upon you for your testing, as though some strange thing were happening to you; 13 but to the degree that you share the sufferings of Christ, keep on rejoicing, so that also at the revelation of His glory you may rejoice with exultation. 14 If you are reviled for the name of Christ, you are blessed, because the Spirit of glory and of God rests on you. 15 Make sure that none of you suffers as a murderer, or thief, or evildoer, or a troublesome meddler; 16 but if anyone suffers as a Christian, he is not to be ashamed, but is to glorify God in this name. 17 For it is time for judgment to begin with the household of God; and if it begins with us first, what will be the outcome for those who do not obey the gospel of God? 18 AND IF IT IS WITH DIFFICULTY THAT THE RIGHTEOUS IS SAVED, WHAT WILL BECOME OF THE GODLESS MAN AND THE SINNER? 19 Therefore, those also who suffer according to the will of God shall entrust their souls to a faithful Creator in doing what is right.
NIV
12 Dear friends, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal that has come on you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. 13 But rejoice inasmuch as you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed. 14 If you are insulted because of the name of Christ, you are blessed, for the Spirit of glory and of God rests on you. 15 If you suffer, it should not be as a murderer or thief or any other kind of criminal, or even as a meddler. 16 However, if you suffer as a Christian, do not be ashamed, but praise God that you bear that name. 17 For it is time for judgment to begin with God’s household; and if it begins with us, what will the outcome be for those who do not obey the gospel of God? 18 And, “If it is hard for the righteous to be saved,
what will become of the ungodly and the sinner?” 19 So then, those who suffer according to God’s will should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good.
This is an interesting passage for several reasons. The first reason is on this very blog I announced my sobriety pledge and then I proceeded to do on FB and it was met with different reactions. From Baaaaahahahahahahahahahahaha.... to Anthony, you're awesome! Good 4 you, you are always in my prayers...God's our strength in every circumstance. Phil. 4:13 :) It is very interesting that I explain the logic behind my decision as something to bring glory to God and my testimony as a Christian recently. The reaction again ranged. People are really not too quite sure to make of it. This is just a small sampling of what has been happening to me in recent weeks. I have some of the best friends in the world. We don’t hold each other back and we are brutally honest with one another to the point where it would make a normal man be shattered in spirit. I get constantly made fun of for my faith. They see it as a crutch and as a friend recently penned, “Christianity is not a crutch it is more of a defibrillator” They see every mistake I make and jump at the chance to mock me and poke fun at my faith. This bothered me for a while and but then it was not until last week that it bothered me enough to prompt me to action. In their mocking and teasing was actually advice. I did need to make a change.
While I understand that this “suffering” is not quite the suffering faced by Christians in the Middle East or Christians in the time of Jesus but it is a different kind of suffering. I am glad to wear my faith and to announce that I am a Christian and I should be prepared to deal with whatever kind of “hardships” that leaves me with. I think how many people are ashamed to say they love God or they need God. I think about the people who are quick to mock Christians at the first sign of failure. It is almost insulting to our brothers and sisters who are dying for their faith while we struggle to live out ours. I always remember the first time I gave my life to Christ. I fell in love with my faith. That love put something in my heart that I could only label as fire. We were on fire for God the day we accepted Jesus as our savior. If it was a scripture we wanted to read it. If it was the gospel we were sharing it. If someone was in need we were providing. Hold onto that fire that God placed into your heart and never let it go no matter what. Let each and every day be a new day to fall in love with God all over again. Let everyday be a new day to live out and share your faith. If you suffer for your faith wear that suffering like a badge of courage. You’re a Christian! You are a creation of God and the moment you announce that it is your duty to do everything to bring glory to His name.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)