So my friend the other night on the phone said to me, “You make me so mad!” I respond, “Why?” She quickly responds with, “You are like standing in a murky swamp when there is a clean ocean 2 yards away” She was referring to my drinking. The hot and coldness of sobriety are worst than my battles of lust. Actually I don’t know about that statement but I’ll go with it. I allowed my anger to best me once again. I did not pray. I did not read scripture. I did not call a friend. I pick up a bottle and let the dice rolled. This has been such a recurring theme in my life. It’s getting harder and harder to deal with it. Before I had no accountability I felt and I didn't have any real moral code. As a Christian my life is supposed to be a beacon to others. At least nowadays I don’t like myself after I drink. I used to go in and it’s ridiculous to look at myself all those drunken adventures. Some of the videos are still on YouTube. I laugh when I watch them now, but I am pretty sure I do not want to return to those days. Those were young and foolish times. Those experiences however has lead me to this path today.
I felt very remorseful when I woke up today. The feeling was like my FB status. My status said I felt like Tony Montana in his speech “Goodnight to the bad guy” I put a clip on at the bottom. The thing about that is that he really talks about how people are good at hiding their flaws while his might be expose. The thing is we all have them. I feel like that sometimes. I have my flaws and people know about them which gives them room to formulate opinions about me, which is fine. We all now the old saying Only God can judge me That does not mean I can’t be judge my brothers and sisters in Christ, but are their judgments helpful? I believe some are. The real question is what can they tell me that hasn't been said or felt already?
Now back to the murky swamp. I would have to say the answer is a false sense of comfort and I actually want to get deep here for a moment and go farther than movie references, although I do have another movie reference from Scent of a Woman. I’ll get that one out of the way. Col Slade in his great monologue at the end where talks about doing the right thing. Slade, “Now I have come to the cross-roads in my life. I always knew what the right path was. Without exception, I knew, but I never took it. You know why? It was too damn hard.” Too hard he said and I can relate to that. Knowing something is hard and thinking it’s all on me to get it done. It's all beyond stressful.
I ask myself constantly why is it so hard to see God when it’s so easy to see wrong and even easier to do wrong. Why is full reliance on God so hard? Why is achieving real comfort so damn hard? I wish I could be one of those Christians that were saved and BAM! The struggles become less and the hardships are different. I can see God’s beauty in people and in actions and feel his grace. I experienced it all and yet I still face overwhelming feelings of discouragement. When I am at my lows I ask for comfort and I receive it. Sometimes I feel just like the nation of Israel in the old testament; having God there and constantly turning my back on him or hiding from him when I know I’m in the wrong. Then asking for help because I know he will give it to me. I am at a constant battle with God’s will and subside it for my own. Even the simplest thing like being in CT is a struggle against God and me. I see all the good that I am doing here and it still is not enough. It is downright frustrating. I really want to leave it all to God. Where do I start? Read Pray Devote Obedience. These are easy words to say but so hard to follow. I will post the 2nd part of this entry tomorrow.
Scarface Speech....A lot of Cursing in this
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