ROCKY ROCKY ROCKY!!!!!!!!!!!

Just something I took from my pastors last sermon that I have to throw into the blog until I get the you tube project link up here. Which is after this transcribe version.

Mickey’s long dead now but Mickey is the one who taught him [Rocky Balboa] and train him and taught him to have heart. He remembers how Mickey tells him, you know there comes a day where your down and defeated and nobody cares and nobody wants you and nobody believes in you but you GOTTA GET UP BECAUSE I LOVE YOU ROCK and Rocky gets up and beats Tommy Gunn. I want you tell there comes a time in your walk with God when you stumble and you fall and you fell beat down by the world beat down by people beat down by sin and I want to tell you that Jesus is the one who is standing there. Jesus is the one who needs to come to your mind. He is the voice you need to hear in your head. GET UP BECAUSE I LOVE YOU!!!!! GET UP!!!!! because my power is available GET UP!!!! and keep going.

Just what I needed to hear. This is such a powerful message almost as powerful as a memory verse. It needs to just be played daily because I forget this sooo many times during my day. Although the pleasure of the peace it brings you is like no other.

Never downplay good church people.

We always tend to look at the hypocrites in the church and the pastors who don’t live out the life set out for them by God. It is naturally as people we tend to focus on the bad. How easily it is to forget the resounding good in this world.

I thank God for introducing me to some great people this year. Jim and Carol Hull have opened me into their home countless times with open arms and open hearts. Jim has had an extraordinary life that just amazes me how this man is standing here today. Through his experiences he has taught me the value of acknowledging God in all your ways.

Brendan has just taken me under his wing and it’s amazing for once in my life I am not scared of the potential someone else sees in me. He said tonight, “It is his hope that within a year I should be able to do a couple of sermons at Lighthouse” That sounds crazy to me Pastor Diaz…lol let me not get ahead of myself. These are shining examples of God’s love for me.

APH is another guy I am thankful to know. Just by his example. There is also the many times where the man return my call just to talk and chat. He has prayed with me on the phone a couple of times and those acts of kindness and righteousness don't go unnoticed; not by people and certainly not by God. Even though at times he is kinda of cheesy but that's just him. I can say the man exudes God and I like that about him.

These are shining examples of Good Christians I can look to for faith and guidance and even just an open door. I try to tell people who have been hurt by Christians and churches that there are good people out there. I know I need to put my faith in God before people but there are some good people out here. There are some people who because of their faith in God I can put my faith in them.

Life goes On

I am doing better. I called her today and she asked me if I understood why she did what she did. I told her I didn’t and she said her decision was based on respect. That she could not handle the full reliance that I had laid on her. That she couldn’t respect me and she couldn’t handle being a leader in the relationship. I do understand that. It does make it easier. Being in CT has made me less of the Anthony that I was before in Jersey. In Jersey I felt like I was the leader of the group and had the ability to do as I pleased. In CT, I suffered heavy from the depression and the loneliness and that put a strain on our relationship. Enough about that though, tonight’s entry is about moving forward.

I went over Jim and Carol’s today. She said some really powerful stuff that moved me. The message balled down to stop putting faith in people and things and start putting faith in God. The tender things that I entrusted Audrey; I should and need to entrust God with. Be dependent on God not people. It resonated in me deeply. My relationship was a hard and yet a beautiful thing but as sun rises again I am sure that this too shall pass. The good thing is I really do not want be with anyone I do want companionship but focusing on my faith does not sound like a bad step. I just replaced alcohol with Audrey. She is only human. I cannot put my faith in her without putting my faith in God wholeheartedly first. She has issues just like I have issues. So we were two people with two completely different builds trying to create a union with each other but no union with God. All we can do is live our lives. People come and go in your life but God is always there. I am only 24 and as much as this hurts life will go on.

Day by Day

I got sloppy drunk last night and vomited all over my room. I did this all because I let my emotions get the best of me. My girlfriend broke up with me. The desire to continue to do stupid things was worked out last night. I hope that it is behind me. I love her with all my heart and I feel sad and broken. Other people have affected our relationship a lot and it got to the both of us. In the end we are different. Who knows we could get back together but I honestly do not know it is in God’s hands now. It sucks but what can you do right. Although I am deeply wounded I realized today though are God is good. God is love and God forgives me for what I have done last night.

In Christ Alone

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6

The problem is I have been relying on my own understanding of things for the past 24 years. Hmm, I wonder why for the past 24 years I have not seemed to be ok with anything. When you are more self sufficient in your life you are less reliant on God. I have been self sufficient most of my life. My mom is pretty much a nonexistent factor in my life and I have fought hard to maintain some kind of stability in my life financially and emotionally. Both of these things were done through my own means. I try to rationalize every single action and tried to understand every single thing that has been done to me and that I have done.

I even try to rationalize my faith and I run into troubles. Is my faith a house of cards easily knocked down or is it a stronghold that is impenetrable? The problem it seems to me is even trying to rationalize my faith. I should not try to measure up to some fictional Christian barometer or even Christians that I do know, but instead try to ask myself am I demonstrating my faith through my actions. Am I honoring God on a daily basis through my deeds and through living a Christ like testimonial?

Another problem that I faced was being fearful and distraught by running these questions through an over analytical maze in my mind. My Pastor tonight gave me Philippians 2:12-14 to read. “Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose. Do everything without complaining or arguing,”

This to me coincides with Proverbs. It is all really about trusting in God, even when I am fearful and trembling about my own salvation and faith. To truly trust and understand God’s will, it is implied that it is done without complaining and arguing. I can no longer fight God. I have to give him the keys and let him conduct the train of my life. At this point in my journey I really got to give it to God. Let thy will be done. It really is that simple.

Drugs, Alcohol, Sex has nothing on God

Christianity teaches us to love one another just like we love ourselves. Even if you don’t feel like you love yourself you do. Even your self destructive tendencies are proof of such love. You love yourself not to feel pain and to do everything that is in your power to rid yourself of that feeling. We all use something whether it is alcohol drugs sex or just even people.

I struggle everyday because I do not know who I am anymore. For so long I have equated myself to the immoral actions and crazy zany adventures that I had for so long. How could I possibly be that person? I enjoy my sense of humor and sometimes as bad as it is I kind of do look back on my actions with nostalgia. I, however have grown as a person. I have a lot of meaningful people and friends in my life. I have love and I have God. It is hard to believe someone who was so anti religion and how this was truly the opiate of the masses has come to this conclusion.

One of the questions I get asked now is, “What if they prove this all wrong?”, “What if there is no God” “What do I get out of this?”, “What if Audrey and you do not end up together what then?” I do not know the answers to those questions. I wish I could answer with the certainty of my friend who when I asked the question of no God, he simply replied well that’s not even a possibility that I can think of. All I can say is generally speaking my life is not the shit storm it was 6 months ago. I am not the same person. That person could never exist again in me because I found something different. It is something worth believing in. I found something that loves me when I am not even sure when I love myself. I should not seek for the necessities in life. What will make me better? What can help me cope? However instead and simply “But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” Matthew 6:33

Depression

I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you.
(John 14:18)

There are very few things in this life that as powerful and amazing as love. The problem with love is that, it just does not rely on two people but on multiple people and various and numerous ever changing variables. There is constant outside pressure telling you to respond in this way or that way. You constantly measure your own relationship to other ones. We do that even though technically we only see what is on the outside and we don’t see other relationships in their entirety.

I have struggle with a lot of the above. I have changed a lot in the past couple of months and it is hard to get use to having a new meaning in your life, especially when you have been self sufficient for so long. It is hard to allow your well being to mean something to someone else. It is hard to travel this road. Even if I cry out to the heavens I would like to utterly and emphatically state I would not revert back. I allow too many people access to my mind. I have allowed too much access to the process in which I make decisions. It is rarely just Anthony deciding to be Anthony but hordes of people reaching a consensus on what it is Anthony needs to do. There is nothing wrong with seeking advice but when that advice outweighs your own personal direction and beliefs then there is a problem.

I love my girlfriend with all my heart. I have allowed my depression to interfere with our relationship. I want to apologize for that. Depression is not an easy thing. For the longest time I have allowed it to rule me and my decisions. I have allowed it a seat at a table of judgment in my mind for far too long. He has owned and controlled the rest of my emotions and what I am really trying to say is no more. You do not have power over me anymore. Easier said than done right, well I honestly believe you got to say it before you can start to follow the choices that lead to the actions. Pray for me friends and pray that I get better. The sooner I can start loving myself wholeheartedly the better I can love her wholeheartedly and even God wholeheartedly.