Its been a while....

Well it has been about three years since the last time I typed up an entry. In the last three years I have some crazy things happen in my life. 2018 was a specifically tough year for me filled with tons of changes.
 The biggest thing to happen to me in 18 was running for city council in Newark. It was one of the proudest hardest things that I have ever done. I am extremely proud of the campaign that we ran and despite what I may say I have no regrets about it. It was something that finally gave me that old spark of life again. It felt good to be working and making decisions in my best interest. It felt like an old part of me woke up again. I missed that part and I thought it was long gone. I thought there was no getting it back. I had arrived professionally and personally. I forgot what that fire tasted like and I wanted more. I will say I was sad with the results of the elections. I just felt like the numbers did not reflect the work that was put in.
 The 2nd big event of 18 would be getting fired from Modell's Sporting Goods. I was with the company for 6 years and achieved a great deal of personal and professional success. I was let go partly for arrogance and partly for where the company was headed. It was tough to find a job and figure out what I wanted to do. The three months that followed were filled with a lot of lows and self doubt and hits to my self esteem. It was a battle to come out of that depression. I did not think I had it in me. I relied a lot on my friends to help me through the tough times and be there for me and without hesitation they all came through. I did not want to go back to retail but it seemed like that was all I was destined for. It was at this time where I literally almost lost all hope that my friend presented me with an opportunity.
I admit I was hesitant and fearful at first. I did not think I could do the job and survive in this completely different environment than what I was used to. I started the new job and excelled at it very quickly. It help restore some of that lost swagger. It help me realize a little more that I am what people think of me. It's just a job not a career but I can definitely use this as a stepping stone to something greater. I am a bit tired right now but I do miss typing out my thoughts. I have been hanging out with a special friend recently and the conversations we have help me develop my mental strength and help to challenge my perspectives....to think I could still learn....all of that is to say that she encouraged me to start getting it out again and thus I have. 

Open Mic Night

I went to an open mic night recently and I wanted to perform. I decided to look up some old stuff and edit it up a bit before I go and perform next week. I haven't really written anything since I was in high school. I gotta be honest it feels real good. I don't know how good it is or even if it is good but I figured who cares it's all subjective anyway. Who knows if I have the courage to keep doing this I might finally start doing stand up comedy.

Original

I look into your soul to see the vastness Expecting to see the light but what sends a fright down my spine is the blackness the hatred and corrosiveness that intertwine together to enwrap your soul into a never- ending pool of despair and depression Your outer shell is like the black pearl at the bottom of the sea beautiful on the out side and that’s it but like glass I can see through it So young with so much pain perplexes the most complicated of minds 3 years of being the mask in front of the man instead of the man behind the mask Like an actor in a play portraying the comedian while fighting the beasts within which are an embodiment of my essence With a plethora of thoughts racing through my min stop by one question who am I The Dark Comedian

Edited

I look into your soul expecting to see the vastness of hope and courage

Instead I am met with the blackness the hatred the corrosiveness that intertwine together to enwrap your soul into a never- ending pool of despair and depression

Your outer shell is like a black pearl, beautiful on the outside and that’s it

like glass I can see through it

So young with so much pain perplexes the most complicated of minds

3 years of being the mask in front of the man instead of the man behind the mask

Like an actor portraying the comedian while fighting the beasts within

Anxiety is welcome as an old friend. Mind constantly in motion. Forever fighting. So much confusion. So much doubt. So much pain.

A plethora of thoughts racing through me

stop by one question what am I

The Dark Comedian

The journey to getting it together

So I decided to sign up for a credit repair company and begin the long and painful task of getting my finances together. I think what really prompted this whole thing was the house seed everyone has been trying to plant into my head. I know that wouldn't make me happy. I definitely do not want a house right now but I figure I will want one someday. I should start making moves to make it happen now. I realized that it is going to be a long battle but aint no time like the present. Another thing is I have been thinking about moving out and getting my own space...well at least with Abe somewhere. I figured why move out into an apartment when I can move out into a house. I started looking at places in Newark because that is where I can see myself for the foreseeable future. God only knows though. Anything can happen in the next year or so but that is where I have at least started. Other than that things are going pretty ok. I am waiting for some crazy shit to happen but maybe nothing is going to happen. Maybe those times are over but I am not holding my breathe. Any shit could happen at a moments notice. I want to write more about my loneliness but I think I will devote tomorrow's entry to that. I am trying to write more regularly because it is therapeutic.

So I did it again

Hate to sound like an emotional wreck but I put myself in a situation that I am usually do. I thought by now I would know better. I think I really do it because I don't really care. I was talking to my friend John about my loneliness and how it puts me into these situations and he usually tells me the same thing. Life is about balance. It's a damn near impossible thing to obtain but balancing life will ultimately lead to happiness. He also said dating in your late 20s is nothing like dating earlier. I get it though. I love a young woman with a hot body, what man doesn't. These woman though are just superficial and could never offer me what a woman of substance  can. I genuinely think I'm over trying to find my power partner and be that power couple taking over our respective worlds. I just want someone nice to settle down with and won't stab me in my sleep. I think I'm setting the bar high there. The one good positive thing that I feel is that I'm  starting to get my mojo back. I'm feeling cocky and arrogant and in order to run the system that I run I need those two traits running high. I need to feel like I'm  the shit to keep the managers and the staff in line. I build systems based on hard work and discipline. It only works if I am confident in my abilities. I got my swagger back and now it's time to dominate.

Changes

I never know if the decisions I make are ever really the right ones. Once, I make a decision I rarely remain confident in that decision either. I adapt to the situation  at hand and make the best of it. Adaptability has brought me very far and continues to make me successful. It's hard at times to readily accept the next chapter  and challenge. I manage though. I am not sure if taking this new store was the right decision. I say that only because I was taken out of my comfort zone. I was coasting on past successes and I was fine with that. Now, face with different expectations and different standards I have to adapt and change myself once again. That's what good managers do. That's what good leaders do. I know these moments of doubt are temporary and fleeting and it's good for me to get them out of my head. This to shall pass. I will be great because I am great. It's not arrogant if you can back it up.

The Ratchet Ness of Ant

I've been wanting to write  something for a while but could never find a topic. My mind is a jumble mess again. I always find it odd at how I can be operating  at two ends of the spectrum  simultaneously. I am at peace of sorts and yet at the same time out of balance. Is God the answer? I feel like it is. I miss being in a church, a good church. My cousin is a new believer and a pretty strong example of how far faith can take you. I need to start praying  again.

I also think I am pretty lonely. Recently,  one of my old flings just got married and let's just say she was not the cream of the crop. Not only that but I had one of the worse one night stands of my life. Typically, I wouldn't  hold back and share all the intimate details but even I think this situation was pretty ridiculous. I had a what the hell are you doing with your life moment after it was all said and done. I started to do the online dating world again. It so damn interesting the information  we put out there about ourselves  to try to foster any tidbit of a connection. I wonder how long this search will last before I am side track again. I am really going to stop  easing around with crazy women this year. Aren't they all crazy though?

Insomnia spurs review of 2014

It has been one hell of a year to say the least. My brother committed suicide. I celebrated a year of sobriety. I got the promotion that I wanted and a couple of  raises too. I spent some time in Florida with Kevo and Joe. I turned a job down with Walmart. I started school again. I met some interesting  people and I  regained some old friendships. I got a new car. Those are just a few things I can think of.

One of the things I have been really trying to grasp lately is the need to be satisfied. Happiness is something I will never find in something or someone. The year has been trying but it was filled with a lot of hope too. I think that this year's experiences has taught me some real key life lessons. Life has definitely made me a man this year. I thought that my grandmother's death in 2013 was the hardest thing I could go through. I was wrong. Losing my brother has given me a relationship and love for my nephew. It has made me reach out with more consistency to  my brothers and mother. It has made me find strength when I thought I was all tapped out. My friends or family that pulled through and donated time and money for me was the greatest gift of all that came out of that tragedy. I know that I am truly loved in this world. That is one of the best things a guy can ask for. I hope 2015 brings less hardships but if it doesn't, I know I am prepared.