Day by Day

I got sloppy drunk last night and vomited all over my room. I did this all because I let my emotions get the best of me. My girlfriend broke up with me. The desire to continue to do stupid things was worked out last night. I hope that it is behind me. I love her with all my heart and I feel sad and broken. Other people have affected our relationship a lot and it got to the both of us. In the end we are different. Who knows we could get back together but I honestly do not know it is in God’s hands now. It sucks but what can you do right. Although I am deeply wounded I realized today though are God is good. God is love and God forgives me for what I have done last night.

In Christ Alone

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6

The problem is I have been relying on my own understanding of things for the past 24 years. Hmm, I wonder why for the past 24 years I have not seemed to be ok with anything. When you are more self sufficient in your life you are less reliant on God. I have been self sufficient most of my life. My mom is pretty much a nonexistent factor in my life and I have fought hard to maintain some kind of stability in my life financially and emotionally. Both of these things were done through my own means. I try to rationalize every single action and tried to understand every single thing that has been done to me and that I have done.

I even try to rationalize my faith and I run into troubles. Is my faith a house of cards easily knocked down or is it a stronghold that is impenetrable? The problem it seems to me is even trying to rationalize my faith. I should not try to measure up to some fictional Christian barometer or even Christians that I do know, but instead try to ask myself am I demonstrating my faith through my actions. Am I honoring God on a daily basis through my deeds and through living a Christ like testimonial?

Another problem that I faced was being fearful and distraught by running these questions through an over analytical maze in my mind. My Pastor tonight gave me Philippians 2:12-14 to read. “Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose. Do everything without complaining or arguing,”

This to me coincides with Proverbs. It is all really about trusting in God, even when I am fearful and trembling about my own salvation and faith. To truly trust and understand God’s will, it is implied that it is done without complaining and arguing. I can no longer fight God. I have to give him the keys and let him conduct the train of my life. At this point in my journey I really got to give it to God. Let thy will be done. It really is that simple.

Drugs, Alcohol, Sex has nothing on God

Christianity teaches us to love one another just like we love ourselves. Even if you don’t feel like you love yourself you do. Even your self destructive tendencies are proof of such love. You love yourself not to feel pain and to do everything that is in your power to rid yourself of that feeling. We all use something whether it is alcohol drugs sex or just even people.

I struggle everyday because I do not know who I am anymore. For so long I have equated myself to the immoral actions and crazy zany adventures that I had for so long. How could I possibly be that person? I enjoy my sense of humor and sometimes as bad as it is I kind of do look back on my actions with nostalgia. I, however have grown as a person. I have a lot of meaningful people and friends in my life. I have love and I have God. It is hard to believe someone who was so anti religion and how this was truly the opiate of the masses has come to this conclusion.

One of the questions I get asked now is, “What if they prove this all wrong?”, “What if there is no God” “What do I get out of this?”, “What if Audrey and you do not end up together what then?” I do not know the answers to those questions. I wish I could answer with the certainty of my friend who when I asked the question of no God, he simply replied well that’s not even a possibility that I can think of. All I can say is generally speaking my life is not the shit storm it was 6 months ago. I am not the same person. That person could never exist again in me because I found something different. It is something worth believing in. I found something that loves me when I am not even sure when I love myself. I should not seek for the necessities in life. What will make me better? What can help me cope? However instead and simply “But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” Matthew 6:33

Depression

I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you.
(John 14:18)

There are very few things in this life that as powerful and amazing as love. The problem with love is that, it just does not rely on two people but on multiple people and various and numerous ever changing variables. There is constant outside pressure telling you to respond in this way or that way. You constantly measure your own relationship to other ones. We do that even though technically we only see what is on the outside and we don’t see other relationships in their entirety.

I have struggle with a lot of the above. I have changed a lot in the past couple of months and it is hard to get use to having a new meaning in your life, especially when you have been self sufficient for so long. It is hard to allow your well being to mean something to someone else. It is hard to travel this road. Even if I cry out to the heavens I would like to utterly and emphatically state I would not revert back. I allow too many people access to my mind. I have allowed too much access to the process in which I make decisions. It is rarely just Anthony deciding to be Anthony but hordes of people reaching a consensus on what it is Anthony needs to do. There is nothing wrong with seeking advice but when that advice outweighs your own personal direction and beliefs then there is a problem.

I love my girlfriend with all my heart. I have allowed my depression to interfere with our relationship. I want to apologize for that. Depression is not an easy thing. For the longest time I have allowed it to rule me and my decisions. I have allowed it a seat at a table of judgment in my mind for far too long. He has owned and controlled the rest of my emotions and what I am really trying to say is no more. You do not have power over me anymore. Easier said than done right, well I honestly believe you got to say it before you can start to follow the choices that lead to the actions. Pray for me friends and pray that I get better. The sooner I can start loving myself wholeheartedly the better I can love her wholeheartedly and even God wholeheartedly.

Pray for Me, and others

Reinhold Niebuhr's "Serenity Prayer"

God, give us grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things
which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other.

Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
Taking, as Jesus did,
This sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it,
Trusting that You will make all things right,
If I surrender to Your will,
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with You forever in the next.

Amen.

Pray Pray Pray

My pastor’s statement: "If you are a believer and struggling with a certain sin, it's because you choose to remain in that sin."

My response to this statement I put on his blog.......

There is always a choice no matter what. The true matter is what do we use choose the answer to the question. There are two things, emotion and facts. Everything can be bottled down to those two elements. If I respond with emotion then chances are I am going to continue in that sin. If I respond with fact chances are I will not. Fact is that God has freed us from sin. God tells us we are free. Our emotions do not. Our emotions power, although sometime unrealized, has but a small hold on us. God’s grace is unlimited and it’s ashamed that when faced with temptation we tend to respond with such a limited and narrow view. This was an interesting and thought provoking post. God does give us weapons against sin too. John 5:4-5 "Everyone born of God overcomes the world."

Guess who's back...back again :)

My name is Anthony Diaz and over the years I have defined myself in numerous ways. Many of you are aware of several of my antics and have even read about them in this blog. I thought about scrapping this blog and starting anew, but then I thought, why on earth would I do that? I think one of the great benefits gained from blogging is seeing the growth of a person. So, 2 shots of Jameson lives on.

While I been gone, I’ve had a life altering experience. I am a Christian. This in part means, accepting Jesus as my lord and savior and repenting to God for my sins. I know several people are going to say, “Yeah, sure, Anthony, a Christian hardy har har!” I assure you friends, this is not a joke. I started this journey because I fell in love. Let me confront my cynic’s thoughts right now. When I began my journey, I had no idea that it would lead me here. But I am glad that it has. I have read several books of the bible and I am still trying to read more, although as of late, I have not been as dedicated as I should be. But every day, I take a step in the right direction.

The writings of C.S. Lewis helped tremendously, as well as Pastor Brendan Saunders. I felt an understanding that I did not quite get before. I use to write off all Christians as weirdoes and people out of touch with reality. While some Christians are…hypocrites and liars and etc, it is unfair to judge an entire faith on the actions of a select few, but rather to try to judge the faith by its word and doctrines as I understand it. People are fallible its life. I was judging something on perception and not reality.

The start of my relationship with God is actually pretty interesting. I began by pondering the great mysteries of life, and it all led back to God I realized that God is the unlimited source of everything. I believe that human beings conceptually, can only reach a certain point in their lives. We need more to go further and beyond. We need God because in order to grow as human beings, we need a source greater than ourselves. While I still believe strongly in this point, I feel that there is another more powerful element of faith, and it is LOVE!

Love is a powerful emotion; it is a motivator, destroyer, creator... etc. People do crazy things for love and even crazier things from lack of it. All my life I have felt emptiness, a void a need, a desire, to fill the hole in my heart. To tell the truth, I filled it up all right, with booze, drugs and sex. I was never satisfied. The more I had the more I needed, or when I was satisfied, that feeling was short lived. It’s crazy. I do not feel that way anymore. I do not feel alone or angry or bitter. I love this. I use to think Christianity was for the weak, but it is not. It is for the broken, rich, and poor. God’s love is available for everyone.

With that said, people are probably expecting me to have this holier than thou kind of attitude. Let me be the first to say, I am man, a person, and I am riddled with mistakes, sin, terrible behavior, and language. Like I said, everyday I’m taking a step in the right direction. Some days are better than others. Being a Christian is not like switching on a light and all of the sudden you can see and blah blah blah. It is about humbling yourself before God, and realizing you’re work in progress. And let me tell you folks, I have a long way to go, and believe it or not I am pretty happy.