Monday, May 27, 2013

Pleas of my grandmother

Today didn't start like any other day off. I decided to skip my morning 7am AA meeting to sleep in. I went go visit my grandmother who hasn't been feeling too well. She looked paled and was feeling restless. I stayed for a couple of hours. My family decided to have an impromptu memorial day cookout. While everyone was out getting supplies things took a turn for the worse. My grandmother started slipping in and out of consciousness. She was losing feeling in her body and feeling cold. We tried to give her a nebulizer, hoping it would relieve some of her symptoms. It did not. At this point I thought the best course of action was to take her the hospital. She couldn't really move so we had to help her. That was when she started saying that she was dying. That's when she said to leave her in the house to die. Before my eyes one of my greatest fears was being brought to reality. I cannot bear to watch this woman go through any pain let alone hear her pleas of defeat. We continued to press forward. We reached the top of the stairs. She had no will to even attempt going down. We still pressed forward. She asked for an ambulance. We told her we could take her. At this point I lifted her up and carried her down the stairs. The entire time she was asking me to pray for her and that she couldn't go on. I get her to the bottom. She sits on the couch. She is still coming in and out of consciousness. As she sits on the couch she defecated on herself. I stand my grandmother up to allow her to relieve herself over a trash bin. My Aunt cleans my grandmother. It turns out to be blood. My cousins arrive on the scene. They gripe about us calling the ambulance. I brush it off. I explain the logic behind it, they still gripe.

We get into a heated argument and I let my emotions get the better of me. I apologized later. I could not cope with the situation or my feelings. I was supposed to go to the hospital but instead I stayed in the parking lot and called my sponsor. He didn't answer. I called another guy in the program he didn't answer. I called a guy from lcc. My former church in CT. He  knows all about AA and addiction. I knew if I had gotten into my car that I was going to drink. He talked me off my potential slip. He asked me "Why did I want to drink?" I told him I didn't like what I was feeling and the best way to get rid of my feelings was to drink. I am well aware that my grandmother is going to die eventually and quite possibly soon. The reality of the situation is that I am no where near ready to handle that situation. Sobriety doesn't make my life any easier but it lets me deal with it. It makes me face reality for the good or bad that may happen. I went to a meeting and started feeling better when I saw all the familiar faces. After seeing my friend tonight and her telling me how proud of me she was for the strength I had not to drink during this moment of doubt made me feel better too. Its one day at a time. We never know what is going to happen.

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