need this pic for something

Just wondering

I been horrendous in updating this year. A couple of things have happen since Matt passed away. I think the greatest of them all is me deciding to leave Haggar. I am just so damn tired of retail. I know however going back the one field that is probably waiting for me is retail. I want to do everything that I wanted to do and felt I couldn't do in CT. I think I am going to try to enter the world of politics again. I feel really inspired by this whole occupy movement. They just need some structure. Who knows...maybe I can be that structure. I want to do a web series with Mfreke and I am definitely serious about trying to pursue production of this. I also want to get into event coordination specifically in the non profit sector. I have a lot of zest and zeal atm for taking on these multiple projects and I really want to see them through. I just hope that I am prepared for whatever road lies ahead.

A story my little brother wrote.....

Growing up in a house with three older brothers was impulsively fun . As boys we were always up to no good finding anything on our minds to have fun. Most of the time our parent’s were gone having my oldest brother watch us, but just like us he would let his boredom conquer him and we’d all be doing the same stuff. One of our minor mischief’s include my brother and I and a bag of brand new clothes my mother had just gotten. My brother and i were doing the same thing we always do right before we do something dumb. . . . . being bored. We were sitting there watching T.V. when all of a sudden a ball of clothes hit me in the face. I grabbed the nearest bag and started throwing it at him when i got hit with another bag at the same time. I grabbed two bags and tossed them and before i knew it we were in an all out war.

After about twenty-minutes we began to tire ourselves out. We had done everything we wanted to do with the bags. The entertainment value on the bags were very low. Since we were young our idea of fun were very low and entertained us for minimal moments. My older brother’s were wiser and older then us, so when it came to ideas of fun they had the best as a kid. My oldest brother was a genius and would think of the most choatic things. One time when we used all of our notebooks at the end of the school year to make a whole bunch of paper planes in our room. On the count of three we started throwing them everywhere. The way we started out throwing them was, my oldest brother and I were on the floor and my third oldest was sitting on a dresser and my other brother was on a bunk bed. It was a room of flying paper airplanes, it was like a dream. There was another time when he got on top of my mom’s dresser which was lika sky scrapper to us at the time, then he jumped up and rolled in the air and landed on my mom’s bed. He landed and got up and started laughing, after that me and the rest of my brothers where fighting to be the next one to jump.

It was like once one of us did something, we all did. We followed each other into everything and everywhere. The trouble part was always what kept us on edge getting away with it was the best, and getting caught was the worst. I remember when ever we got into trouble my dad would come into the room and say sedately “So ...who did it” after that we had all turned into P.O.W.’s we weren’t saying anything because we already knew the worse was gonna happen, we had misbehaved, we knew we might all end up with a beating “he-he” my brother chuckled. Then afterwards we would all laugh about it saying “NO!” “Ha-Ha” “No you were scared.” We had a lot of fun adventures in so many days, every walk to school was such a great taste of the young life, taking short-cuts threw alleys, going through a friends backyard, hopping fences to run from dogs. Every crazy brained schemed idea was a childhood memory, and now I’m eighteen and my brothers are much older then I am so they have lives that they must attend to, and for no reason do i blame them for that, it’s just when I'm lonely and bored in my house my brothers are no longer there to come up with these “ Crazy brained schemey ideas.” Moral of the story cherish every moment with the people you love because you think they’ll be there forever but they won’t and sometimes can’t.

Coming Home

I haven't wrote in a while. I was looking at my Blog last night and decided to write a quite update today. I decided to leave my job and come on back to Jersey. I am so ready to start my life over and start it using everything that I have gained in CT. I am leaving Haggar and just gonna start over. It is a scary prospect but I am really amped up about this decision.

Speech at Matt's Funeral

Sometimes there are people in this world that shine and sparkle. A shine and sparkle that you can’t buy, that you can’t make, but it’s imprinted on your character at birth. Matt was one of these people. As I recall memories with Matt there is such softness and a true genuine fondness that is unparalleled. Matt is my brother and is friend. One of Matt’s favorite quotes is “Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt.” It hurts that I will never be able to hear your laugh anymore. It hurts that I won’t hear your smart ass remarks. It hurts that I will never have another adventure with you. While on this Earth Matt you enriched my life in a way I never thought possible. You introduced me to practically every friend I have in Westbrook. Your soul had a depth which that is unquestionable and an intelligence that was magnificent. Your personality was infectious in the best of ways. The only solace that I have is through this all is that the memories of you will be forever guarded in my heart. I am a better person for have known you. I believe that with all my heart.


I dont want to forget it so I decided to post it here.

Disconnection

I can't remember the last time I felt a spiritual epiphany. I find this very upsetting, although I must say I have been feeling an extra disconnection from God. I find it hard to pray because I do not know what to pray for. One thing gives me a little bit of comfort its the fact that I know that my faith even though I don't feel it, I know its not misplaced.I feel jaded and cynical. Not about faith, but life in general. I was reading my past entry on what I hope this year to be about. I don't feel that same hope. I don't feel a profound lost either. I don't feel depressed. I don't feel and that is what is at the root of my angst.

Anthony Diaz is used to operating on either end of the emotional spectrum and that is where I thrive for better or for worst. I find the dullness in normalcy to be unbearable. Life has to be more right? or does it?

My ambition and drive seems nonexistent right now. I cant pinpoint it. I find it frustrating. I want fire. I want passion. I want zeal. I need something to jump start me. I think the hopes of a possible relationship can do this or at least kick start me into the right direction. I hope once school starts my attiude has changed because I definitely don't want to drag these feelings into the world of academia.

I dont care if white people say NIGGER!

I have been seeing issues of race come up pretty frequently in the past couple of weeks. You know what pisses me off, African Americans who can’t let shit go. Slavery and Jim Crow was so damn long ago. It has been far removed from any real direct influence in this culture. I hope ignorant people will not confuse that statement by thinking I am arguing racism does not exist because I know it still does. We also must understand so does reverse racism. Our culture is growing ever so rapidly toward being one of multiple ethnicities. We keep it stagnant by holding on to these false afrocentric ties that we keep in our own mind. Being African is beautiful being Black is beautiful, but it is important to remember that’s not all you are as a person.

I heard the arguments against planking because of the slave ships and blah blah. Planking is dumb simply because it is dumb. Another argument I hear is against the N word being used by white people. I don’t understand why Black people care so much. I have been called Nigger multiple times. I have been called a Spic multiple times. It doesn’t offend me. You know what does offend me the rate of illiteracy among minorities, the lack of education opportunity in the minority community. Most outraging is the number of minorities in prison. Those things far more incite a motivation towards anger than a simple word.

The past is the past and we must learn from it but we must not use it as some kind of excuse or some kind of reality to pigeon hold us into a slave like mentality we say we are combating. Pissing and moaning about what white society does nothing to uplift any community or yourself. Nothing says revenge like success. I have a friend who started his own Nonprofit to mentor students of Newark. I have another friend who started his own business. I know someone who lives on the same street as I grew up in Newark thinking about getting her Doctorate.

You are where you are because you have looked at the cards you were dealt and said fuck it. I am 25 half Spanish and half Black and I love both my cultures and I have felt the pains of racism not to the point where I felt my life threaten but to the point where I felt weak and ashamed. I don’t blame the actions of a few on the many. I look at my people and I see the problems are beyond a few actions and have deep roots but I also know it is time to move forward. We know the roots but we are not looking forward as a people. We let the petty arguments and logic keep us for ever "arriving". It is time to say enough is enough from our own people and stop tolerating the reverse racism. We need to go after the bigger issues.