I dont care if white people say NIGGER!

I have been seeing issues of race come up pretty frequently in the past couple of weeks. You know what pisses me off, African Americans who can’t let shit go. Slavery and Jim Crow was so damn long ago. It has been far removed from any real direct influence in this culture. I hope ignorant people will not confuse that statement by thinking I am arguing racism does not exist because I know it still does. We also must understand so does reverse racism. Our culture is growing ever so rapidly toward being one of multiple ethnicities. We keep it stagnant by holding on to these false afrocentric ties that we keep in our own mind. Being African is beautiful being Black is beautiful, but it is important to remember that’s not all you are as a person.

I heard the arguments against planking because of the slave ships and blah blah. Planking is dumb simply because it is dumb. Another argument I hear is against the N word being used by white people. I don’t understand why Black people care so much. I have been called Nigger multiple times. I have been called a Spic multiple times. It doesn’t offend me. You know what does offend me the rate of illiteracy among minorities, the lack of education opportunity in the minority community. Most outraging is the number of minorities in prison. Those things far more incite a motivation towards anger than a simple word.

The past is the past and we must learn from it but we must not use it as some kind of excuse or some kind of reality to pigeon hold us into a slave like mentality we say we are combating. Pissing and moaning about what white society does nothing to uplift any community or yourself. Nothing says revenge like success. I have a friend who started his own Nonprofit to mentor students of Newark. I have another friend who started his own business. I know someone who lives on the same street as I grew up in Newark thinking about getting her Doctorate.

You are where you are because you have looked at the cards you were dealt and said fuck it. I am 25 half Spanish and half Black and I love both my cultures and I have felt the pains of racism not to the point where I felt my life threaten but to the point where I felt weak and ashamed. I don’t blame the actions of a few on the many. I look at my people and I see the problems are beyond a few actions and have deep roots but I also know it is time to move forward. We know the roots but we are not looking forward as a people. We let the petty arguments and logic keep us for ever "arriving". It is time to say enough is enough from our own people and stop tolerating the reverse racism. We need to go after the bigger issues.

Insomina Blows

I cant sleep and it has been awhile since Ive updated anything. Life is pretty much life. Things seem to be progressing and I think that is certainly a good thing but there is still some zeal lust and passion that I had that seems to be non existent right now. I want to re conqueror that part of me that seems to be locked away for some strange reason. For now I will stay content with the events that are currently unfolding.

One and done is never fun!: The Case for Drinking

So this week I have the daunting task of defending the secular view of drinking and I will add in partying. I know that this is going to be tough especially since I know the argument is clear here. Colossians 3 clearly states the case and point. I know another argument is against being of the world which is that life of evil and bar hopping and sleeping around and etc. So despite all those well laid out arguments in the Word I still have to call into question the rules behind abstaining from drinking and the lifestyle, one because I have to argue the affirmative side and two it is an interesting and close to home subject. Now again before I begin I would like to offer full disclose here. I have and still do struggle with drinking. I do enjoy my Sam Adams more then I probably should. Does this make me a bad person and Christian? I can’t answer that, I feel God will call me to answer for my transgressions. Is recognition of the struggle better than an ignorant struggler?

I have to say that even though I’m involved in the “crazy” lifestyle that since being saved I have not gone “balls to the wall” as I used to do. Do I stumble, absolutely but I still maintain that I have a relationship with Christ that is not breakable by a few drops or few gallons of the spirits. I know Brendan will probably make the Ephesians 5:8 arguments. “Don't fill yourself up with wine. Getting drunk will lead to wild living. Instead, be filled with the Holy Spirit.” This is easier said than done. I know it seems like I am making excuses for the lifestyle and behavior I sometime chose but as a young Christian honestly it’s hard. I even find sometimes that I do judge other Christians in that regard. I sense that squeaky clean image and that air of moral superiority and I am just like really cmon. Can I be faulted for my struggles because they are apparent while theirs might not be? In a way they make it hard to want to be around them. I just want to be 25. I know I am called to more but we do not live in a Christian bubble.

Some people know my testimony and understand my background and say its better because of the life I used to lead. Others say that the moment I drink that beer or start to party it up with some heathens I tarnish that same testimony. I think as people we tend to look at singular actions more than we look at the body of work. If people were to judge solely on single moments of other people’s lives how could we ever stand to look at each other with love? I know it happens. I love my friends and they are some of the biggest boozers on the face of the planet. Is it really in God’s plan that I turn my back on them because I am a Christian? That I can’t drink with them and be around them seems kind of absurd. Do I put them above my love for God I don’t think I do. They have seen me drive from a night of NJ partying because I had a Fusion event or some Lighthouse program or some conference. They say, “Wow Ant you party it up, but you faithfully attend church.” There is a sense of recognition of the devotion I have to my God in my actions and their acknowledgement.

I wish I could honestly say that the canvas of my life has been painted entirely with the Holy Spirit but I can’t. I am not ashamed of who I am. I understand that there is a war raging constantly for my soul but I know the battle is won. Someday I won’t need to party it up. I won’t have that strong desire to be in that environment. I will probably get a lot of flak for ending on this note but I guess I could some it up like this 1^st Corinthians 13:11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.

quickie

I haven't posted in a while. I have been in a very introspective and inquisitive mood lately. I think I am depressed again. I think its just tiring to sit and wait for that defining moment. I rattle off a couple of questions in my mind sometime. Do I want too much for myself? What is this all building towards? I have also come to the conclusion I do not handle stress well at all. Work has been increasingly stressful and its pushed my desire to leave even further. The thing is another question occurs. Is moving back to Jersey the right move? Despite my emphatic hate for this state I cannot say that I haven't grown as a person and learned so much about myself in these three years. I think I need to post more I find it therapeutic.

Connect Group Meeting

I had a great time networking with another young adult ministry. Its a powerful testimony of God's glory of what is going on in these young people's lives. The Fusion conference planning seems to really be going well and tomorrow we have another meeting just to push us forward. I really cant wait until it all comes to fruition on June 18th. I will probably update about the other insanity going on in my life at some point.

Hillsong - Mighty to Save - With Subtitles/Lyrics

In Defense of a Status

This entry is a complete defense in my posting of my status last night. My status read, “Depression is such a serious thing. My brother attempted suicide last night. Prayers for him and the fam would be highly appreciated.” There were several comments made to the effect of how could I post such a private matter. “Ant my man not something you put up on here” “everything ain't for facebook...... it's called a private family matter !!!” “Your mom and dad said they didnt want all the family knowing and asked if u would please remove the post.”

I think it’s interesting that so often we post the most trivial of things on facebook. When it comes to something of importance or using facebook as a great tool of communication we fail in numerous regards. I asked for prayer for my brother and my family on a matter that affects a great deal of people. I asked for my friends and family on facebook for prayer. I was told this is such a private matter or a matter for the family. I laugh at that because if the family was a true family would we have allowed this to happen. Would we all have allowed for the chickens to come home roost to use a euphemism? I know it’s purely speculation on my part but it is my right to speculate. Why must we all act like we are protecting my brother?

The family doesn’t really care about my brother they care about their own damn representation of looking like a family. Why the hell would I want something like this kept internally with a family riddled with personal problem, a family that doesn’t know how to be a family except for in times of crisis. Be a family at all times. Is that really asking for too much? I want people to know. I want people to send their prayers and love to my family because the lack of prayer and love that goes on in my family is ridiculous. I don’t really think that highly of my parents that’s no secret. What I am trying to realize is that well they are going to do what best serves their interests and I have to act according to what best serves God interests and then decide how to act accordingly. It’s not easy especially since I have this deep deep desire to put everyone on blast.

My whole point is that instead of looking at this positively my family chose to look at this negatively. They didn’t see the love and prayers. I have received messages saying how they are holding my family up with hope love and prayer. Prayer works. I have seen it work in people’s lives. Prayer is powerful. My pastor said sometimes all you can do is pray and praying sometimes can be the best thing you can do. My friend message me this, “The best thing for him to do is to get help, not only secular but spiritual.” Who would think a social media site like fb could actually be used for that kind of good. These are people who don’t know my brother from a stranger on the street and they are praying for him they are sending him love. I laugh when people tell me it’s a private thing. If I could make people aware and care for a stranger and pray for another person then why the hell not? Why the hell not? Maybe if more people were willing to put there selves out there to receive to the support they truly need we could have possibly avoided this whole situation. Pray Pray Pray.