Ant Speaks the Word

At tonight’s Fusion I was able to preach the sermon I’ve kept in the works for quite some time. It was amazing. It was great. It made me realized you know what hey I could do this. I could become a preacher. I have to first set God at the forefront and put the blinders on and make sure my relationship is tight and unshakable with God. It reminds me of the bible verse we went over earlier this morning at bible study. John15:5 "I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. (NIV) If I remain in God I can accomplish anything. I may stumble I may slip but no one can take me from the hand of God and nothing can keep Jesus from calling my name. No matter how defeated I feel and how low my depths reach that nothing is as strong and as powerful as the greatest healer and resurrector of all, God. Tonight recaptured a love for God me tremendously.

I have given numerous speeches and talks and tonight is probably one of the best memories since the days of the science high walk outs. It was so great. One of the BBC girls afterward said, "Preaching is your calling." I always said I wanted to help the world and what better way to help people than to care for their spiritual well being.

Feelin Good

I am very souped for the next Fusion meeting I am going to get to present the sermon I wrote a while back. It is going to be interesting and great and nerve wrecking all at the same time. I mean I have spoken in front of tons of crowds and on tvs but never for God. That's weird to say as the words come out of my mouth. We had a great Fusion meeting tonight and just this renewed energy. Beka and Jomy have been a tremendous help with my walk with God up to this point and interesting that I am able to help them and guide them in their walks as well. Even though there are times of frustrations and desires and temptations I am glad that I never forsake him because he will never forsake me.John 10:29 My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all; no one can snatch them out of my Father's hand.(NIV)

Everything else is going well and I am pretty solid in life all around but maintaining a strong focus on God is pretty hard but definitely rewarding. I feel like I am going into the new year with a great perspective and great outlook. The two things that I am looking forward into the next year is the possibility of coming back to jersey with the opening of the possible Haggar store and also having my associates degree by May.

Tender Warrior Quotes Cont

Initiation is the bottom line of masculinity. It means taking the lead. The lead in providing, protecting, mentoring, and befriending. It means caring for and developing our mates, out children, and ourselves. It means taking the lead in apologizing. The lead in seeking forgiveness.

Charismatic but substantive

People, events, evil schemes, disasters, catastrophes can take things away from you. Things on the outside. But no one can ever take away what’s on the inside-heart, soul, character. A man can throw it away. But no one can ever take it.

Job demonstrated something longer and stronger than patience. Shinning out of his life through the dark horror of grief and loss is what I believe to be man’s greatest strength. His highest attribute. Call it patience if you life. I call it staying power.

Remaining. Persevering. Holding fast standing firm. That’s what a man does. That’s what a man is.

“A man with the courage of faithfulness.” Robin Hardy

Job sourced his masculinity and personhood in who he was, alone and naked before God. And that makes a man out of you.

“My concern is if they don’t feel cared about, then they cant ever care about anyone else, let alone themselves. We may be creating a large number of children who are emotional misfits.” David Elkind

The calling of every man is to offer stability to a world full of chaos.
The toxin of comparison has been utterly neutralized and washed away by the sacred anti-toxin of a promise

“Lord, who can abide in your tent” “He who walks with integrity….and speaks truth in his heart. …he who swears to his own hurt, and does not change”

“Criticism and stress and troubles aren’t something exclusive to ministry, Stu they’re life” Pastor Williams

“The only reason Jesus became a man was to be man-handled.” Orville

He knows the way with me; when has tried me, I shall come forth as gold.
“Lord help me to remember that nothing is going to happen to me today that You and I cant handle together.”

That’s why real men don’t run. Real men stay and stay and stay.

Isnt it funny how the less mature feel constrained to act “tough”, while the truly mature act gently?

No one knows the heat of a man like the man himself

The great apostle suggests that the heat of his ministry was the ministry of his heart-tender, gentle, fond, affectionate.

A real man must not be afraid to tell you who he is deep down inside.

But I am no less a man under authority, a man under orders, And if the Lord God has allowed to the unspeakable privilege of being a husband and a father, so are you.

“I want you to understand that Christ is the head of every man and the man is the head of a woman, and God is the head of Christ.” 1st Corinthians 11:3

Because of men who demand submission from their wives but in turn submit themselves to no one, including God.

We cannot blame women for being frustrated because they fear the injustice of being under headship that itself is not accountable.

Some men draw a big line in the sand and say, “I aint accountable to nobody, but I am the boss of you.” That is neither right nor biblical. Yes, God has given men a certain amount of authority. But they re first and foremost men under authority. We always want to quote the verse that says, “The man is the head of a woman” But we conveniently forget the first part of the verse that says. “Christ is the head of every man!” No exceptions. That’s me and you.

Before one can ever lead, he must learn to follow.

Tender Warrior Review and Quotes

Tender Warrior by Stu Weber…really really great book. I thank my friend Lidiane for suggesting it to me. It has reshaped my outlook and perspective on Christian manhood. It was a great read and really influential. It gave me this new found drive and fire for being a man and a stronger Christian in terms of relationships with the men and women I have in my life. The last chapters really hit home to me and just gave me the desire to finish strong in every aspect of my life. It almost took away my excuses that I provide on a daily basis for most of my shortcomings. The book as a whole just reinforced the notion of Philippians 4:13 I can do everything through him who gives me strength. I met this Christian woman at a party over the weekend and she was amazing and I got nervous talking to her and just finding out about her. The great hindsight perspective that I have now is that no matter what or who enters my life that I know the best way to approach any kind of a relationship is through maintaining a strong Godly relationship.

The following are just some of my favorite quotes from the book. There are so many and I enjoy typing them that my next few entries are just going to be quotes from the book.

Matters of character, heart, spirit, integrity, justice, humility- the kinds of things that last.

At the heart of a real man’s vision is the health of his family.

The measure of a man is the spiritual and emotional health of his family. A real provider has a vision for marriage that bongs deeply, for sons with character as strong as trees, and for daughters with confidence and deep inner beauty. Without that vision and leadership, a family struggles, gropes, and may lose its way.

A man can get the perspective he needs to lead a family…if he is willing to humble himself and seek it from the Lord God.

“Is there anything worse than blindness?” “Oh, yes!” She responded. “A person with sight and no vision” Helen Keller

It brought security to my heart to realize what kind of a God I had, this great heavenly Planner who could look down the long ages and bring things to pass.

When you’ve lost your vision for who you are and where you are and why you are where you are, you find yourself powerless to take necessary action.

Time enough to push your way through peripheral issues and life draining preoccupations and ride out ahead of the family God has given you.

Think of the bible as the owner’s manual for your masculinity. Think of it as the mother spring. The headwaters. And drink deeply from it.

“Being perfect is a terrible way to spend your life and guys are not equipped for it anyway. It is like a bear riding a bicycle: he can be trained to do it for short periods, but he would rather be in the woods doing what bears do there” Garrison Keillor

Men stand tallest when they are protecting and defending.

A warrior is one who possesses high moral standards, and holds to high principles. He is willing to live by them, stand for them, spend himself in them, and if necessary die for them.

Like four strands of steel, they were woven together to form a cable that is the spine of masculinity. A “good man” is the balance of the four. A good warrior is also a sensitive lover. A tender warrior. A good friend is always a helpful mentor.

The physical is a parable of the spiritual. The visible is a metaphor for the invisible.

A man without initiative is not a man.

A lot of people pass through life feeling trapped in some vague sense of dissatisfaction.

Ant Loses his Cool

I received two calls about 10 o’clock in the morning from the one and only Delmy Diaz/Amos depending on who you are talking to. She leaves a voicemail, so I know it is serious. I call back and she frantically informs me that my brother has run away from rehab and there is a warrant out for his arrest. She also said that he is at my Grandfather’s house. I immediately call my Aunt who lives at my Grandfather’s house. She informs me that he is there and they are all weighing their options on what to do. So I offer some suggestions and include the question, “Would it make everyone feel better if I drove down?” She quickly replied, “Yes”…..*sigh*

On my way down I decided to call a couple of people one being my pastor. He has a really good talk with me about responsibility and assuming responsibility that is not mine and taking responsibility from those who need to own up to their own. This definitely changed my desire from helping my brother by further perpetuating the cycle of running to helping my brother face the music and be a man.

I get down there and I tear into my brother about consequences of his actions and how he needs to face responsibility and how his actions have adversely affected the family and so on. So then I decided that since he could not return to the program that he needed to turn himself into his P.O. He reluctantly agrees.

We get down to south jersey meet up with my mom and I receive a call from his P.O. His P.O. informs me that he is just missing and there is no warrant. He just wants him to stay put and be somewhere where he can reach him. I call my dad inform him and ask him if he is going to meet us at my mom’s house. He said no and doesn’t cite a reason why except that my mom was there. I asked him as his son to be there for his other son. Before my dad could respond the P.O. called me back and ended the convo with my Dad…lucky for him because here is what I would have said.

“Be a fucking man and be there for your son. This is your responsibility as his father to be there for him and be there for him time and time again and to never stop being there for him. How can you expect him to do the right thing as a man when the role of a man that he sees is you cowering from your responsibility! Like how could you possibly sit idly by when your son is suffering?”

It is outrageous that my brothers have made it out of this pit of a home which I could only describe as the last circle of Dante’s hell. The story gets better. While at the house the cops arrive inform us that there is no warrant and there is only a missing person’s call. So then after a while the cops get in touch with the P.O. and again no warrant and my brother is essentially off the hook. I inform the cops that I do not think that’s the best course of action and that he needs to be in police custody until his court date so 1. He does not run and 2. He does not mess up and get involve with drugs. Apparently since there is no warrant and no one pushing for one there is nothing they could do. They left….

My mom starts with the statement, “I love my kids and don’t want to see them in jail because I care about my kids.” So as Ryan put it as I was retelling this story put it, “Why, would she say a thing like that to let alone you!”

I pounded my fists on her glass table damn near shattering it and immediately with all the hurt and pain in my soul shouted at her. For once in your fucking life act like a mother and do the right thing and push for the warrant! Do the right thing for your son. She started shouting back about how she is and knows what is best. I said you’re not doing the right thing you’re clueless and if you love your son you do this. She starts crying. Nothing pushes me to continue on then to feed off her anguish. I said good that you’re in pain. Realize the errors of your ways. End up dead and alone like Michael (my biological father)! She shouted back that I ruined her life and so on blah blah….

My granny starts crying and her and my aunt start pulling me away from practically striking my mother. Nothing gets to me more than my grandmother being upset so I immediately calm down because of her heart condition and I told my mom I love her but she’s clueless and told my brother to do the right thing this time around. I am exhausted and fatigued by what went down.

My mom living in her alternate reality and my dad just so helpless from years of emotional struggle with my mom are just almost too much to bear. My grandmother was so happy that I came down she said that she was happy I was there because I always know what to do and the right thing to do. I feel like despite me being the oldest that some things are out of my hands and out of my control. It is sad when you can’t rely on the people that brought you in this world for anything.

Quick Update

I have been having a rough couple of weeks. I decided to just put up some recent quotes…

Luke 9:23 And then he said to them all: “If anyone would come after me he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me”

Hosea 6:1 Come let us return to the Lord He has torn us to pieces but he will heal us; he has injured us but he will bind up our wounds.

Busyness FOR God does not equal intimacy WITH God! Brendan

The process of brokenness is a normal and natural part of our walk with God. Brendan

I want a strong Christian woman to enter my life. I want a woman to be my helper and support. I been reading this book by Stu Weber called Tender warrior which is God’s intention for a man. It has been a tremendous help and eye opener. The role of a man in life and marriage and relationships is important to know before you get into each. Reading this book makes me appreciate strong women. Now if I can only find a decent one lol.

Some thoughts

What is the most meaningful thing to you at this point in time?

I have been reading a book called Tender Warrior by Stu Weber and it is about God’s intention for being a man. This is one of the questions posed early on in the book. Not only is it asked, but it also asks for the reader to ask this question of their friends. That is exactly what I did. I asked several of my closet friends that very question. I received some interesting responses from friend’s family to themselves. The best answer I received was from Mu. Mu said his heart is the most meaningful thing to him at this point in time. I asked him physical or emotional wellbeing of his heart. He answered both. He said that so many things came to mind when I asked the question. He said so many people raced through his head and then finally he came to the conclusion that he should choose where everything he cares about resides and that place is his heart. That was pretty deep.

Vision

I feel my walk with God has been hinder by my actions as of late and it sucks. I have been thinking very seriously about numerous relationships in my life. I like the fact that I am working on myself but there is still something lacking. I feel that I am on the cusp of a greater relationship with God. There was a great message about it in church today. Brokenness is a process with your walk with God. God breaks us so that he can rebuild us into something greater. It is something I definitely believe in. It has been at my times of complete brokenness that has propelled me forward in my character and my heart. It is when I think that I am doing well with my walk that sometimes that fire does not burn as strong. Don’t get me wrong the fire is strong. I enjoy reading my bible and fellowship and etc but when you are down and out and on your knees praying to God with a full heart that fire is burning HOT!! I enjoy that feeling I really do.