Happiness

    I do not really sleep well anymore. I think a majority of it has to do with my weight but there is another part that has to do with my state of mind. Sometimes, I feel like I am like a spool of thread that is beginning to unravel. I know many of my friends would probably say that I've been that way for years now. I do not write as much on my blog because I often do feel like I do not have anything to say anymore.
    My brother and grandmother are dead. I do not have any love aspirations. I am a workaholic. I am still sober and I am currently enrolled in college again. It seems like a wonderfully monotonous life.
     I think I am going to start writing more regularly. It would help with my writing and it will help empty out the random ass thoughts that get stuck in my mind.

My brothers eulogy

First and foremost I would like to take this time to publicly thank my friends that have held my family up in prayer and donations. As a result my resolve to make it through this lost has remained fortified.
This was the hardest thing for me to write the various emotions were at times overwhelming. No words that I could pen were good enough. No memory precious enough. No brotherly analogy powerful enough. I couldn't decide whether or not to blame family members. I couldn't decide whether or not to voice my anger at him. I couldn't decide to whether or not really let myself feel this pain.

It finally occurred to me the lost feeling that has been resonating in my being was from the realization that a piece of my soul has forever been removed from this world. Even right now as I stand here the thought that wont relent is not my brother. At my brothers worst I couldn't help but love him. Devin had a beautiful soul and to know him was to love him. My family has always had more drama than a Spanish soap opera. We could never agree on a solution for my brother, however the commonality that we shared was our love for him.

As a brother if i had the power to remove the obsession of drugs from his heart and mind, I testify before God that I would have done so. My brother lived a tragic life. No one in this room will ever know the daily pain that he carried with him. No one will ever know the overwhelming pain in his last moments.

The lost of my brother was a wake up sign and a call to action for me. Dereck and David I promise to you never to be distant and to always love you no matter what. I will be your champion and protector like I should have been for mumu. To my nephew and niece you lost your father but you gained three more. and you will not want for anything as long as there is breathe in our bodies. To everyone here let his death awake and fortify the loose bonds in your own families. Let his death be the push you need to seek help for drugs and depression. Let my brothers death not be in vain but to echo throughout eternity through the breaking of the shackles of addiction. Remember him that's all i ask is to remember him. Thank you.

Vision for 2014

My vision for this year is to seize and revisit life opportunities with a relentless tenacity with the prospect of lifelong equilibrium.

This is very flowery language of just saying that this year be about something. I have let some great opportunities slip through my fingers by misplacing my focus and therefore my energy. I am going to really pursue some things for myself this year. I want to look into my education past and present. I have already started on the physical but I need to maintain the commitment level that I've had in the past. Financially, I can and must be better. My spiritual must change and I must grow.

What's your vision for this year?

Ramblings of an Insomniac

I don't think I have ever been able to sleep normally, ever since giving up the booze, I don't even enjoy the refreshing black outs that once provided me with false rest. I know that this problem isn't unique and certainly isn't the minority of issues with friends. It just aggravates the living hell out of me. It is legit like torture. There is nothing on my mind. There is no work or personal related issues that is haunting me at the moment. I literally just cannot sleep. There are several "go tos" when I hit this wall. I usually play a game of chess on my tablet, I read a little bit on my kindle, I even say the sincerity prayer to give me mind some sense of comfort. I cant even find comfort in my false delusion of grandeur dreams. All of this and still tortured with an inability to sleep. I write as a last resort. I guess this thing is a sort of open letter to the masses. I guess I really am that fucked up.

2013 reflection

So, its hard not to write about 2013. It was definitely a tumultuous year for me. In April I celebrated one year with my company and by June I was promoted to be in the management program. I was moved to different stores to bring my talents there and be a catalyst for change. In March I pledged to stop drinking one day at a time with the help of AA and a sponsor. Dec 23rd I celebrated 9 months sober. In June I lost the most important female role model of my life, my grandmother. It was extremely difficult but I managed to make it through that without a drink and become a stronger person as a result. I haven't been this happy and content with my life in a long time. I am very pleased with what the future holds for me. I just have to keep working and moving forward and I believe that good things will happen in my life. It won't always be easy but as the old adage goes anything worth doing isn't easy.

Work and relationships

I have been burying myself in work the last couple of months. It has been very good for my career development but not so much for my personal development. Professionally, I am on track to accomplish great things in my career with my company. Sometimes I get pretty stressed out about the situations I put myself in and realize it is because I care too much. I really do want to be the best at what I am doing. Usually, my alcoholism buries any type of ambition or self motivation when it comes to work, but since that is a non factor now those traits are really shining through. I need to have a healthy balance though. One of the things that I recently brought up with a friend was trying to have a healthy balance of work fun and family. Finding an equilibrium between those three things will lead to a happy life. For me it is about getting away from the work. I mean not like I am going to completely disregard my job. I just mean really start enjoying my life more and live. I am more than ever conscious about my isolationism. I realize that one it is the first step to relapse. Two that just because I am not the alcoholically induced socialite, that my life is not over.

I started trying to date again and have already had some interesting experiences. I know that I am very picky and it is going to take a strong willed women to rein me in. I just have a great attraction to a woman with a grand personality. I mean a power woman through and through. I have had fake ones that think they have it all together but don't. I have been around attractive women who are just dumb and possess no real intelligence. I have been around women who think they are intelligent and just really aren't. I am more than aware of my flaws and know that I will never receive that total package. I often find myself questioning the woman that I don't find good enough. I also catch myself filling some emotional void for my female friends. I don't necessarily have a problem with this as long as we are both aware of the situation and understand that I am at no ones beckon called.

I find myself in some interesting situations this week and doing a little bit of introspection. It has been a while and I think this time it will do me some good.

Been a while

It has been a while since I have posted. The last time I shared about my little brother bring in the hospital. Since then he went to a detox and then a rehab. He stayed with me the night he before he went into a rehab. He even came with me to a meeting. He looked defeated and I hugged him and told him I loved him and wanted him to get better. I kind of knew in my heart of hearts he was not going to get better though. He still hasn't hit the bottom he needed to get out of this. The kid has been through a lot but I fear that now I just need to wait for that call saying he is dead somewhere. He lasted a whole 5 days in the rehab before leaving and making his way back to south jersey. My mom called my aunt saying that he is in the hospital again. I told him before he had went into the rehab that this was his last shot before the family gave up on him. He clearly doesn't care anymore and heroin has its grip on him. It is kind of devastating to watch a love one go through that. I want to do so much for him. Before he went into rehab. I paid for some new shoes for him and to get a haircut. For a moment he looked like my little brother. I miss him dearly.

Speaking about missing people. I miss my grandmother. I try and put flowers on her grave whenever I can. It is usually on a Friday or so. I posted a pic of her tombstone on fb. I don't know why. I think it was to get some emotional attention. A look at me kind of post. Hey at least I am being honest about it. I know that time will eventually heal this wound. I sent a message to my aunt saying that I have been intentionally pushing her away because she reminds me of my grandmother and I don't like being at her house because of it anymore. It is pretty selfish of me to respond like that but we all have our own way of grieving. I am going to try to work on that and be a better nephew.

Sobriety has been tough these last couple of weeks. I have made it 7 months sober. My sponsor has been an incredible help. Those around me are really encouraging me to keep trudging this road. My life has changed for the better in a lot of ways. I still have a lot of growing to do but I feel like I am laying out the ground work for a more emotionally healthy life. I just wish I wasn't as big of a spendthrift that I am. I am sure that it will get better with time.

I usually only post when there is great emotional restlessness. I guess tonight was one of those nights. I am on vacation this week so maybe I will get to post a lot and get some things out of my head and chest and be able to rest easier at night.