Ant Loses his Cool

I received two calls about 10 o’clock in the morning from the one and only Delmy Diaz/Amos depending on who you are talking to. She leaves a voicemail, so I know it is serious. I call back and she frantically informs me that my brother has run away from rehab and there is a warrant out for his arrest. She also said that he is at my Grandfather’s house. I immediately call my Aunt who lives at my Grandfather’s house. She informs me that he is there and they are all weighing their options on what to do. So I offer some suggestions and include the question, “Would it make everyone feel better if I drove down?” She quickly replied, “Yes”…..*sigh*

On my way down I decided to call a couple of people one being my pastor. He has a really good talk with me about responsibility and assuming responsibility that is not mine and taking responsibility from those who need to own up to their own. This definitely changed my desire from helping my brother by further perpetuating the cycle of running to helping my brother face the music and be a man.

I get down there and I tear into my brother about consequences of his actions and how he needs to face responsibility and how his actions have adversely affected the family and so on. So then I decided that since he could not return to the program that he needed to turn himself into his P.O. He reluctantly agrees.

We get down to south jersey meet up with my mom and I receive a call from his P.O. His P.O. informs me that he is just missing and there is no warrant. He just wants him to stay put and be somewhere where he can reach him. I call my dad inform him and ask him if he is going to meet us at my mom’s house. He said no and doesn’t cite a reason why except that my mom was there. I asked him as his son to be there for his other son. Before my dad could respond the P.O. called me back and ended the convo with my Dad…lucky for him because here is what I would have said.

“Be a fucking man and be there for your son. This is your responsibility as his father to be there for him and be there for him time and time again and to never stop being there for him. How can you expect him to do the right thing as a man when the role of a man that he sees is you cowering from your responsibility! Like how could you possibly sit idly by when your son is suffering?”

It is outrageous that my brothers have made it out of this pit of a home which I could only describe as the last circle of Dante’s hell. The story gets better. While at the house the cops arrive inform us that there is no warrant and there is only a missing person’s call. So then after a while the cops get in touch with the P.O. and again no warrant and my brother is essentially off the hook. I inform the cops that I do not think that’s the best course of action and that he needs to be in police custody until his court date so 1. He does not run and 2. He does not mess up and get involve with drugs. Apparently since there is no warrant and no one pushing for one there is nothing they could do. They left….

My mom starts with the statement, “I love my kids and don’t want to see them in jail because I care about my kids.” So as Ryan put it as I was retelling this story put it, “Why, would she say a thing like that to let alone you!”

I pounded my fists on her glass table damn near shattering it and immediately with all the hurt and pain in my soul shouted at her. For once in your fucking life act like a mother and do the right thing and push for the warrant! Do the right thing for your son. She started shouting back about how she is and knows what is best. I said you’re not doing the right thing you’re clueless and if you love your son you do this. She starts crying. Nothing pushes me to continue on then to feed off her anguish. I said good that you’re in pain. Realize the errors of your ways. End up dead and alone like Michael (my biological father)! She shouted back that I ruined her life and so on blah blah….

My granny starts crying and her and my aunt start pulling me away from practically striking my mother. Nothing gets to me more than my grandmother being upset so I immediately calm down because of her heart condition and I told my mom I love her but she’s clueless and told my brother to do the right thing this time around. I am exhausted and fatigued by what went down.

My mom living in her alternate reality and my dad just so helpless from years of emotional struggle with my mom are just almost too much to bear. My grandmother was so happy that I came down she said that she was happy I was there because I always know what to do and the right thing to do. I feel like despite me being the oldest that some things are out of my hands and out of my control. It is sad when you can’t rely on the people that brought you in this world for anything.

Quick Update

I have been having a rough couple of weeks. I decided to just put up some recent quotes…

Luke 9:23 And then he said to them all: “If anyone would come after me he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me”

Hosea 6:1 Come let us return to the Lord He has torn us to pieces but he will heal us; he has injured us but he will bind up our wounds.

Busyness FOR God does not equal intimacy WITH God! Brendan

The process of brokenness is a normal and natural part of our walk with God. Brendan

I want a strong Christian woman to enter my life. I want a woman to be my helper and support. I been reading this book by Stu Weber called Tender warrior which is God’s intention for a man. It has been a tremendous help and eye opener. The role of a man in life and marriage and relationships is important to know before you get into each. Reading this book makes me appreciate strong women. Now if I can only find a decent one lol.

Some thoughts

What is the most meaningful thing to you at this point in time?

I have been reading a book called Tender Warrior by Stu Weber and it is about God’s intention for being a man. This is one of the questions posed early on in the book. Not only is it asked, but it also asks for the reader to ask this question of their friends. That is exactly what I did. I asked several of my closet friends that very question. I received some interesting responses from friend’s family to themselves. The best answer I received was from Mu. Mu said his heart is the most meaningful thing to him at this point in time. I asked him physical or emotional wellbeing of his heart. He answered both. He said that so many things came to mind when I asked the question. He said so many people raced through his head and then finally he came to the conclusion that he should choose where everything he cares about resides and that place is his heart. That was pretty deep.

Vision

I feel my walk with God has been hinder by my actions as of late and it sucks. I have been thinking very seriously about numerous relationships in my life. I like the fact that I am working on myself but there is still something lacking. I feel that I am on the cusp of a greater relationship with God. There was a great message about it in church today. Brokenness is a process with your walk with God. God breaks us so that he can rebuild us into something greater. It is something I definitely believe in. It has been at my times of complete brokenness that has propelled me forward in my character and my heart. It is when I think that I am doing well with my walk that sometimes that fire does not burn as strong. Don’t get me wrong the fire is strong. I enjoy reading my bible and fellowship and etc but when you are down and out and on your knees praying to God with a full heart that fire is burning HOT!! I enjoy that feeling I really do.

Updates

Men’s Conference was phenomenal. There were a lot of great things that I was able to hear there and it definitely was a great start to my week. I was able to hear some very powerful testimonies and it just helps reaffirm my faith when you see what others have gone through. Three talks we heard were just so powerful. The first was about how we should say behind our pastor but yet examine everything. Also to keep our minds and eyes guarded. The second talk was about how we need to finish the Christian life just how we started it…on FIRE! The last talk was the most powerful and about the family. The pastor said all societies issues can relate back to the destruction of the family. He discussed how the devil will do everything in his power to destroy the family. “He doesn’t have to prove that there is no God but that you have time.” I believe he also used the phrase marshmallow Christian. I definitely enjoyed that phrase and I know even more I do not want to be one.
Fusion Meeting was this week and it was very powerful to me. The conversation was just filled with a very very good spirit. It was kind of cool being in that setting. It was dare I say good clean fun. How often have I been apart of that kind of environment? I really felt good energy there and I felt that Fusion and at least for its core leaders is becoming very meaningful. The 2nd meeting of Fusion will be this Saturday at 7pm 123 Elm St Old Saybrook. It is a good time and a great discussion about God.

I heard there is going to be a Haggar store opening in NJ. The Tinton Falls outlet to be exact. I want this store and I deserve this store. I kid…not really. This would bring me back to Jersey and I would be happy as a pig in mud to be back home. I don’t think I will get the store but honestly I don’t know what will happen. Coming back home would just make me cry like a baby and be ecstatically happy. It would be like a negative sign on a pregnancy test….bad joke but still funny.

I feel really good about life. There were a couple of bumps this week but professionally I feel ok and socially I feel ok too. Although Jimmy is going to Dallas….what a bum pick lol. Nah I still love him just not now. The scary thing is my friend who recently came up here said, “Ant your making a life for yourself up here” I told her to be quiet and never say anything like that again lol. I really dislike CT but I mean it has given me a lot and it’s given me a God filled purposed up here. I am trying to fully utilize these opportunities but if I go back home what a blessing that would be.

I heard this song off a Steve Gaines Sermon

Recent Quotes Ive said or others have said

Me: People need to find unity within themselves before they can find unity with others.

Me: Revival is not an annual thing or a once in a life time thing but a continual process.

Me: If your not working for or towards God you cannot say you love God.

Brendan:Spiritual Growth must first be desired by the individual others cannot force it.

Don't rush into any kind of relationship. Work on yourself. Feel
yourself, experience yourself and love yourself. Do this first and you
will soon attract that special loving other. - Russ Von Hoelscher

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. Ralph Waldo Emerson

“What you need to know about the past is that no matter what has happened, it
has all worked together to bring you to this very moment. And this is
the moment you can choose to make everything new. Right now.”

The Universal Solution

There is a universal solution for all of your life’s problems. People always are trying to find solutions to everyday problems when God has provided a whole book of remedies. The answer is quite simple. Seek God and everything will be solved.


Matthew 6:25-34 therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field , which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 7:7 Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you find; knock and the door will be opened to you.

These verses contain a myriad of splendor and wisdom that can be discussed for years. The simplicity of it all summarized by the following: God will provide if you ask and follow. I further simplify it by stating once again seek God and everything will be solved. I know in my studies of God’s word that sometimes I tend to feel the simple solution cannot be the solution; that the simple explanation cannot be the right explanation. How could possibly seeking God make me a better store manager? How could seeking God make me a better boyfriend or someday husband? How could seeking God make me a better brother? How could seeking God make me pay my bills on time? Again! Seeking God gives you the perspective needed to make sense of your life.
How could you possibly do it any other way? How could you go on through your day to day tasks without God? Miserable! that’s how! Each of us has a void that we fill with temporal and material things. Alcohol runs dry. Money doesn’t last forever and lust and bodily desires are fleeting and temporary in a Godless love. It was C.S. Lewis that said, “Now God designed the human machine to run on Himself. He Himself is the fuel our spirits were designed to burn, or the food our spirits were designed to feed on. There is no other….God cannot give us a happiness and peace apart from Himself, because it is not there. There is no such thing.” God is the eternal the infinite the everlasting. When you seek God you desire nothing more than to be in his word. To feel his steadfast love in fellowship and compassion that spawns out of a very love for God and to share the word of God because you love God. Seeking God fills that void in your heart and desires for the world. Once that void is filled with God’s love and grace…correction filled with God’s everlasting love and grace you have the desire to be the best and do the best in your God given roles as husband wife store manager brother bill payer. Seeking God is the everlasting process that renews your sense of life in profound ways.

One of the things I have mentioned in casual conversations time and time again that it is so much harder to see God. Why is that? Seeing God is not just left to looking at His word or fellowship or having a higher moral standard. Seeing and seeking God is also being able to see God in everything. When you seek God you do not have to go far. It is as simple as opening your eyes and looking around you. God is there in your life at every moment since you were a thought. God was there at your lowest moments and God will be there at your highest moments. God will be there at your death and re-awaking. If God is able to show you this kind of respect and care the least we can do is to seek him with all of our hearts. Acts 17:24-25 The God who made the world and everything in it is the Lord of heaven and Earth and does not live in temples built by hands. And He is not served by human hands, as if needed anything, because he himself gives all men life and breath and everything else. It is important to remember God needs nothing from you but we need everything from Him. Believing in Him with all our hearts should be a given. Faith without heart is worthless. Seeking God without a solid desire and heart is equally as worthless.

God drew us each near to Him. We don’t draw closer to God it is God that brings us closer to Him. Each of us wanted God to be apart of our lives more than anything the day we accepted Christ. In my own testimony, I was aware of the God signs as I like to call them. I knew that there was a deep longing for something more and what did I do? I plugged that call with alcohol to the point of numbness. Drinking was my God. My heart was isolated from a love I could only describe as beautiful. That love put something in my heart that I could only label as fire. We were on fire for God the day we accepted Jesus as our savior. If it was a scripture we wanted to read it. If it was the gospel we were sharing it. If someone was in need we were providing. Hold onto that fire that God placed into your heart and never let it go no matter what. Let each and every day be a new day to fall in love with God all over again.

Our lives come with different hardships and different issues but God was there and is there. Seek him and don’t stop seeking him. Chase him and don’t stop chasing him. Lust for God instead of flesh. Let God quench your thirst instead of alcohol. Be satisfied in God and allow for him to change you. Just like the day you were saved, cry out and remember God is in control of your life. God is the one to save you from all your trials and tribulations. So when you have issues and burdens seek Him and lay them at His feet and He will be your resolve He will provide you with the answers. As difficult as it sounds Charles Stanley said two great things on the matter first, “If I stayed focused on God, I would have the help, strength, and ability to keep going, even though it felt as if my world was crumbling around me.” And secondly, “…never forget the; the shortest distance between your sin and God’s forgiveness is the distance between your knees and the floor.”