Dreams

Just sitting here and watching breaking bad in my Aunts living room. I'm enjoying the relaxation and just personal day. I've been pretty restless the last couple of weeks. My friends have noticed mild changes especially coming with an idgaf attitude. I'm really upset I'm not in school right now but I don't know if that's really really what I want. I was kind of inspired by a person who is spending next year just living out her dream. The funny thing about dreams is that most people just have one. One dream is what people usually hang onto. The hardest thing for me is trying to find one dream. One thing to put all my energy behind. I'm really starting to think I'm a dream junkie. I just want to do it all. I just want to accomplish everything. We as people are limitless but often times it is that limitless that limits us.

Elizabeth

My car was broken into twice. They really didn't get much but got lucky. I want to get out of the hood but I do love being here. I just wish things like this didn't happen. This puts a black eye on a community that otherwise should be proud. I remember the way I felt when my granny got car jacked. Man I was out for blood. I think it was a bunch of kids that got into my car which is even worse. Its worse because it starts this small for them and then they upgrade and do bigger and worse crimes. They need mentors or a stronger family structure. I am glad that God has given more and shown me more existed than the block I lived on. I'm going to start praying for my hood.

Time

I never seem to have enough time and it bothers me. That was probably the main reason for this post but now I don't really feel like elaborating on that.  Granny is in the hospital again. That makes me mad because I just want her to be well already. I saw childhood photos today and my granny looked absolutely stunning. Those pictures definitely reminded me of a simpler time. Life is pretty complex right now. It definitely is throwing me a couple of curve balls. I have recently noticed a change in my personality. Its almost a regression in a way. Before CT I always knew I was kind of an asshole and CT definitely softened me up. Now that I am back in Jersey, I feel that asshole creeping back in. I don't mind it one bit though. That guy for a lack of a better phrase had a heart to succeed. He was about that life. CT Ant was very complacent. Complacency really bothers me for some reason. Oh well I'm tired now and try to elaborate on these thoughts another day.

Tired

Work has been pretty interesting as of late but I want more. I really feel like I've been spinning my wheels. I'm not depress just feeling blah.  I described the feeling to Shaun as I just want it all. If any of you watch Mad Men I compared it to when Don Draper talks to Dow Chemical and tells them they are not happy because they don't it all. I want it all. I want more. I have felt that burning and mounting title for years but now it feels LeBron like in pressure.
I feel like I need to make a move. I don't think its school though. I think i need to make a name for myself doing something. Something big.

Hi My name is Anthony.

I went to an AA meeting today. It was pretty interesting. I like these group of guys. I really really want to be sober or at least not drink as much. I think the best thing about it, was these guys knew exactly what I was talking about. They could relate. They could identify. The stories they had were extremely powerful. I was very hesitant to write this post because lets be honest. I do have a drink problem that I have struggled for years with. Its funny because one of the guys said its not your problem more like your solution. Your solution for good days your solution for bad days and etc. I want more out of life. I want to reconnect with God. I want to find my path again. I think i am going to go to the meetings when I can. They said don't set long term goals. Its all about the next 24 hours.   Lets see what the next 24hrs have in stored for me.

Update

There has not been much that has been going in my life. Nothing really crazy. There are a couple of outlandish typical Anthonyesque stories but I will save that for another time.

I guess something recent that happen was that a friend asked me to a sperm donor for her child. It definitely shocked me. I love this girl but I feel that she would be making a crazy life decision at such a young age. I know that she is pretty bitter about love and has a couple of failed relationships but that is no reason to give up on love. Most of my friends call me the romantic and that I wear my heart on my sleeve and blah blah blah. I think its because as I am cynical about the world, I am quite the opposite when it comes to love. I think that people often times don't take a chance on anything and go out of their way to play it safe when they shouldn't. I told her to pray about it first and I will pray about it to really really think things threw. The ramifications of this would be long lasting and quite significant.

The other thing that happen of worth was that my great aunt died. It is crazy because a lot of people said they were sorry for my lost and the immediate response was "No its ok, I really didnt like her". My cousins were really heart broken and I am close to them so I did feel bad for their lost but I do remember the dark and hateful things their grandmother has done to my grandmother. I know as a Christian I am called to forgive but man that woman is up there with the devil himself. It was heart wrenching to say the least to watch my grandmother go threw so much pain over the death of her sister. After we buried her sister, my grandmother's sister in law wanted us to take care of my grandmother's arrangements. We know this is a little messed up and morbid but from a logistical and practical standpoint it was a good decision. My grandmother picked out her card her casket and things that she wanted read and other weird odd and ends. Every time I think about my grandmother dying it really really makes my heart ache. While we were there my Aunt told her she couldn't pass away until her daughters give her grandchildren. My grandmother threw in that she wouldn't pass away until she knew I was married with a woman who cooked and clean for me. I love her so much. Shes so crazy but I love her.

A conversation between mother and son

My mother is beyond the craziest woman on this planet. I went to go see my grandmother today and her and my Aunt from Georgia have been pestering about taking them to go see my mother for quite some time. I finally cave today. I did not have any real plans so I said sure why not. I already know that this trip is going to end with me pissed off and my mother cackling like the witch from the Wizard of Oz.

I tried calling her and she didn't answer her phone. We get down there and I remember where her old apartment is but not her new one. I am already angry at this point. I get her new apt info from one of her friends. I knock on the door and none other but my drug addict thieving brother answers the door. He doesn't know where my mother is but eventually thinks she is at her friends house. I tell him to get her and she  comes and already comes in yelling about something or another. I decide to leave at this point to go see my other brother and dad. I come back and my grandmother has decided she is tired and ready to leave. She goes to the bathroom, so I decide this is the time to talk to my mother. I tell her you see she is dying and all she wants is to see you. My mother's response, I don't give a shit! I am dying too! I start getting angry and tell her that I don't understand that as her daughter, how can she not feel any responsibility towards her own mother. Her response, I wont be crying at her funeral. This doesn't bother me. I don't have time to be running up to north jersey just because she is dying with cancer.

At this point I already see the futility of my arguments and just say its time to go. My mother is insane and I love her but she is insane. I know people think I am one cold hearted bastard but that woman takes the cake.