HAPPPY NEW YEAR!!! Goodbye CT!

Guess this year I am going to more proactive in writing on my blog. I am back in NJ and before I get to that I must; however, I must talk about my Connecticut family. They have been my close friends for the past three years and have effected my life tremendously. The Trasacco family has been good to me. Sorry, that is an understatement they have been great to me. I was very touched at the going away dinner they had for me. It amazes me how much people we do not share that family bond can create that family bond without even realizing it. That I am attached to these people for the rest of my life. I can not ever forget about them even if I tried. I have added two more brothers and a little sister to my already big family. I do love them and I do miss them. As for the rest of the crazy bastards of Westbrook, CT and the shoreline, I miss them as well and I fortunate to the many many many memories that I was able to create while I was up there. There are just too many of you bastards to name but I love you guys as well.

The image up top is my tribute tattoo to Matthew Vincent Trasacco. It is an outline of the state of CT and inside it saids in latin: "Thus you shall go to the stars". A clear example of how one mans life can effect another it is through the passing of my friend M.V.T. He gave me a look into my own life and its finality. He gave me a chance to leave Haggar before I found out about my Grandmother's illness. He gave me comfort and strength into going out into the unknown. Several of our conversations has shaped me and made me a better man. Some of them probably made you a worst one Matt..lol. I hate that your not on this Earth anymore. Truly, I considered you a brother. Hell I even brought you down to Jersey to share in its glory. Well it was great reminiscing about the CT times. Now that I am back in Jersey I need to get out of this introspective lull and grab life as I so eloquently put it by the Dick.

Reflections of Today

I am so exhausted but I’m glad to be going back and focusing on my family for once...when my great grandparents died I was a child that didn't understand...not saying that my granny is dying but I will be there for her as much as I can. This time I will be the difference. Love mi Abuelita. I was so angry that I did not know about these other appointments. It’s her sister doing this bullshit using my grandmother’s doctors visit as some kind of ends to a means. It’s sickening.

Today I found out that her stage 2 cancer went to stage 3. It was upsetting. I hate that my mind immediately snowballs out of control. I love my grandmother so much. I feel powerless right now. I feel so sad when I see her look so brittle and fatigued. I shouldn’t think negatively but it’s hard. I know God calling her home would be what’s best for her but I want to be selfish right now. I want my kids to know their great grandmother. It hurts because in my mind she is the nicest woman ever. I hate being the adult again. I hate playing an active role in her future. I don’t want to do it to be honest.

I saw her surgery. I saw the emptiness where her breast should have been. It looked as if someone punched her chest in. I did not know how to feel or react. I just felt ashamed that there was nothing I could do. Pain constant pain for not being able to help her. I love my grandmother so much. Sometimes I lay next to her in bed and I just fall asleep. I am not a man who gets any kind of peace usually but being there …being next to her …I feel so peaceful. I feel like nothing in the world could bother me.

I am praying for the best outcome. I am leaving it in God’s hands ultimately, but faith is hard. Faith is not an easy thing. I am a selfish person who doesn’t want her to leave this Earth for anything. I am not lost and confused I am just in pain for the possibility of losing her at all in the future. I know death is inevitable but damnit why can’t I just blind myself. Why can’t I be willfully ignorant that anything is wrong? I feel like that is the best option even though consciously I will never succumb to the desires of that ignorance. My mind will never allow that. I think I feel a little bit better now that I threw all of these thoughts out there.

Jersey thoughts

This past month I have been in Jersey heavy. I found out my grandmother has cancer and later on today I find out if the cancer has spread or if it was localized. My time is CT is essentially done. Dec 31^st is my last day at Haggar and while I am a little fearful of what the future holds I am also a little excited.

If anything happen to my grandmother it would be catastrophic for me. I just don’t know how I would handle that. I thank God for putting such a women in my life when my mother is just a complete and utter failure and that is putting it mildly. People always say she can’t be that bad but here is a sampling of a recent conversation I had with her. “Mom, are you coming to see Abuela?” Mom: “I have things to do I’m busy.” Me: “You realize she’s sick and just had surgery to remove the cancer!” Mom: “Well I’ve got things going on and I just don’t have the time.” Really really…she’s just a horrible person. I love her but she’s just a mean and evil person.

I think I want to do some traveling. I want to see Eddie Kevin and Mike. I think I need to figure out what I really want to do again. I have a craving for life again and a desire to do shit but it’s all meaningless without any action behind it. I miss being around smart people dying to have intellectual discussions about real shit. My friend Ryan who is a charter school teacher is thinking about starting his own school. I think it would be great and terrific. He asked me his opinion on some of the premises he wants to base the school on. It was crazy.

The theme of this trip has definitely been recognition of the shit and filth that I and some of my friends have come from to the life we live now. We weren’t victims of the poverty that surrounded us or affected us and we have been able to accomplish some meaningful things. Man me and Freke and Mike used to gather our coins together to get a meal at Crowns Fried Chicken. Now I was sitting in Frekes apt watching his 60inch tv on this vibrating reclining sofa. Life is good but we want more. It’s not more in the material sense but more in the sense we need to accomplish real things. Our abstract goals are nice but we want the tangible goals the goals we can take a bite out of. Im getting tired so Ill end it here with a quote from my cousin because I thought it was so powerful. “I think the way you love.”

need this pic for something

Just wondering

I been horrendous in updating this year. A couple of things have happen since Matt passed away. I think the greatest of them all is me deciding to leave Haggar. I am just so damn tired of retail. I know however going back the one field that is probably waiting for me is retail. I want to do everything that I wanted to do and felt I couldn't do in CT. I think I am going to try to enter the world of politics again. I feel really inspired by this whole occupy movement. They just need some structure. Who knows...maybe I can be that structure. I want to do a web series with Mfreke and I am definitely serious about trying to pursue production of this. I also want to get into event coordination specifically in the non profit sector. I have a lot of zest and zeal atm for taking on these multiple projects and I really want to see them through. I just hope that I am prepared for whatever road lies ahead.

A story my little brother wrote.....

Growing up in a house with three older brothers was impulsively fun . As boys we were always up to no good finding anything on our minds to have fun. Most of the time our parent’s were gone having my oldest brother watch us, but just like us he would let his boredom conquer him and we’d all be doing the same stuff. One of our minor mischief’s include my brother and I and a bag of brand new clothes my mother had just gotten. My brother and i were doing the same thing we always do right before we do something dumb. . . . . being bored. We were sitting there watching T.V. when all of a sudden a ball of clothes hit me in the face. I grabbed the nearest bag and started throwing it at him when i got hit with another bag at the same time. I grabbed two bags and tossed them and before i knew it we were in an all out war.

After about twenty-minutes we began to tire ourselves out. We had done everything we wanted to do with the bags. The entertainment value on the bags were very low. Since we were young our idea of fun were very low and entertained us for minimal moments. My older brother’s were wiser and older then us, so when it came to ideas of fun they had the best as a kid. My oldest brother was a genius and would think of the most choatic things. One time when we used all of our notebooks at the end of the school year to make a whole bunch of paper planes in our room. On the count of three we started throwing them everywhere. The way we started out throwing them was, my oldest brother and I were on the floor and my third oldest was sitting on a dresser and my other brother was on a bunk bed. It was a room of flying paper airplanes, it was like a dream. There was another time when he got on top of my mom’s dresser which was lika sky scrapper to us at the time, then he jumped up and rolled in the air and landed on my mom’s bed. He landed and got up and started laughing, after that me and the rest of my brothers where fighting to be the next one to jump.

It was like once one of us did something, we all did. We followed each other into everything and everywhere. The trouble part was always what kept us on edge getting away with it was the best, and getting caught was the worst. I remember when ever we got into trouble my dad would come into the room and say sedately “So ...who did it” after that we had all turned into P.O.W.’s we weren’t saying anything because we already knew the worse was gonna happen, we had misbehaved, we knew we might all end up with a beating “he-he” my brother chuckled. Then afterwards we would all laugh about it saying “NO!” “Ha-Ha” “No you were scared.” We had a lot of fun adventures in so many days, every walk to school was such a great taste of the young life, taking short-cuts threw alleys, going through a friends backyard, hopping fences to run from dogs. Every crazy brained schemed idea was a childhood memory, and now I’m eighteen and my brothers are much older then I am so they have lives that they must attend to, and for no reason do i blame them for that, it’s just when I'm lonely and bored in my house my brothers are no longer there to come up with these “ Crazy brained schemey ideas.” Moral of the story cherish every moment with the people you love because you think they’ll be there forever but they won’t and sometimes can’t.

Coming Home

I haven't wrote in a while. I was looking at my Blog last night and decided to write a quite update today. I decided to leave my job and come on back to Jersey. I am so ready to start my life over and start it using everything that I have gained in CT. I am leaving Haggar and just gonna start over. It is a scary prospect but I am really amped up about this decision.