Speech at Matt's Funeral

Sometimes there are people in this world that shine and sparkle. A shine and sparkle that you can’t buy, that you can’t make, but it’s imprinted on your character at birth. Matt was one of these people. As I recall memories with Matt there is such softness and a true genuine fondness that is unparalleled. Matt is my brother and is friend. One of Matt’s favorite quotes is “Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt.” It hurts that I will never be able to hear your laugh anymore. It hurts that I won’t hear your smart ass remarks. It hurts that I will never have another adventure with you. While on this Earth Matt you enriched my life in a way I never thought possible. You introduced me to practically every friend I have in Westbrook. Your soul had a depth which that is unquestionable and an intelligence that was magnificent. Your personality was infectious in the best of ways. The only solace that I have is through this all is that the memories of you will be forever guarded in my heart. I am a better person for have known you. I believe that with all my heart.


I dont want to forget it so I decided to post it here.

Disconnection

I can't remember the last time I felt a spiritual epiphany. I find this very upsetting, although I must say I have been feeling an extra disconnection from God. I find it hard to pray because I do not know what to pray for. One thing gives me a little bit of comfort its the fact that I know that my faith even though I don't feel it, I know its not misplaced.I feel jaded and cynical. Not about faith, but life in general. I was reading my past entry on what I hope this year to be about. I don't feel that same hope. I don't feel a profound lost either. I don't feel depressed. I don't feel and that is what is at the root of my angst.

Anthony Diaz is used to operating on either end of the emotional spectrum and that is where I thrive for better or for worst. I find the dullness in normalcy to be unbearable. Life has to be more right? or does it?

My ambition and drive seems nonexistent right now. I cant pinpoint it. I find it frustrating. I want fire. I want passion. I want zeal. I need something to jump start me. I think the hopes of a possible relationship can do this or at least kick start me into the right direction. I hope once school starts my attiude has changed because I definitely don't want to drag these feelings into the world of academia.

I dont care if white people say NIGGER!

I have been seeing issues of race come up pretty frequently in the past couple of weeks. You know what pisses me off, African Americans who can’t let shit go. Slavery and Jim Crow was so damn long ago. It has been far removed from any real direct influence in this culture. I hope ignorant people will not confuse that statement by thinking I am arguing racism does not exist because I know it still does. We also must understand so does reverse racism. Our culture is growing ever so rapidly toward being one of multiple ethnicities. We keep it stagnant by holding on to these false afrocentric ties that we keep in our own mind. Being African is beautiful being Black is beautiful, but it is important to remember that’s not all you are as a person.

I heard the arguments against planking because of the slave ships and blah blah. Planking is dumb simply because it is dumb. Another argument I hear is against the N word being used by white people. I don’t understand why Black people care so much. I have been called Nigger multiple times. I have been called a Spic multiple times. It doesn’t offend me. You know what does offend me the rate of illiteracy among minorities, the lack of education opportunity in the minority community. Most outraging is the number of minorities in prison. Those things far more incite a motivation towards anger than a simple word.

The past is the past and we must learn from it but we must not use it as some kind of excuse or some kind of reality to pigeon hold us into a slave like mentality we say we are combating. Pissing and moaning about what white society does nothing to uplift any community or yourself. Nothing says revenge like success. I have a friend who started his own Nonprofit to mentor students of Newark. I have another friend who started his own business. I know someone who lives on the same street as I grew up in Newark thinking about getting her Doctorate.

You are where you are because you have looked at the cards you were dealt and said fuck it. I am 25 half Spanish and half Black and I love both my cultures and I have felt the pains of racism not to the point where I felt my life threaten but to the point where I felt weak and ashamed. I don’t blame the actions of a few on the many. I look at my people and I see the problems are beyond a few actions and have deep roots but I also know it is time to move forward. We know the roots but we are not looking forward as a people. We let the petty arguments and logic keep us for ever "arriving". It is time to say enough is enough from our own people and stop tolerating the reverse racism. We need to go after the bigger issues.

Insomina Blows

I cant sleep and it has been awhile since Ive updated anything. Life is pretty much life. Things seem to be progressing and I think that is certainly a good thing but there is still some zeal lust and passion that I had that seems to be non existent right now. I want to re conqueror that part of me that seems to be locked away for some strange reason. For now I will stay content with the events that are currently unfolding.

One and done is never fun!: The Case for Drinking

So this week I have the daunting task of defending the secular view of drinking and I will add in partying. I know that this is going to be tough especially since I know the argument is clear here. Colossians 3 clearly states the case and point. I know another argument is against being of the world which is that life of evil and bar hopping and sleeping around and etc. So despite all those well laid out arguments in the Word I still have to call into question the rules behind abstaining from drinking and the lifestyle, one because I have to argue the affirmative side and two it is an interesting and close to home subject. Now again before I begin I would like to offer full disclose here. I have and still do struggle with drinking. I do enjoy my Sam Adams more then I probably should. Does this make me a bad person and Christian? I can’t answer that, I feel God will call me to answer for my transgressions. Is recognition of the struggle better than an ignorant struggler?

I have to say that even though I’m involved in the “crazy” lifestyle that since being saved I have not gone “balls to the wall” as I used to do. Do I stumble, absolutely but I still maintain that I have a relationship with Christ that is not breakable by a few drops or few gallons of the spirits. I know Brendan will probably make the Ephesians 5:8 arguments. “Don't fill yourself up with wine. Getting drunk will lead to wild living. Instead, be filled with the Holy Spirit.” This is easier said than done. I know it seems like I am making excuses for the lifestyle and behavior I sometime chose but as a young Christian honestly it’s hard. I even find sometimes that I do judge other Christians in that regard. I sense that squeaky clean image and that air of moral superiority and I am just like really cmon. Can I be faulted for my struggles because they are apparent while theirs might not be? In a way they make it hard to want to be around them. I just want to be 25. I know I am called to more but we do not live in a Christian bubble.

Some people know my testimony and understand my background and say its better because of the life I used to lead. Others say that the moment I drink that beer or start to party it up with some heathens I tarnish that same testimony. I think as people we tend to look at singular actions more than we look at the body of work. If people were to judge solely on single moments of other people’s lives how could we ever stand to look at each other with love? I know it happens. I love my friends and they are some of the biggest boozers on the face of the planet. Is it really in God’s plan that I turn my back on them because I am a Christian? That I can’t drink with them and be around them seems kind of absurd. Do I put them above my love for God I don’t think I do. They have seen me drive from a night of NJ partying because I had a Fusion event or some Lighthouse program or some conference. They say, “Wow Ant you party it up, but you faithfully attend church.” There is a sense of recognition of the devotion I have to my God in my actions and their acknowledgement.

I wish I could honestly say that the canvas of my life has been painted entirely with the Holy Spirit but I can’t. I am not ashamed of who I am. I understand that there is a war raging constantly for my soul but I know the battle is won. Someday I won’t need to party it up. I won’t have that strong desire to be in that environment. I will probably get a lot of flak for ending on this note but I guess I could some it up like this 1^st Corinthians 13:11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.

quickie

I haven't posted in a while. I have been in a very introspective and inquisitive mood lately. I think I am depressed again. I think its just tiring to sit and wait for that defining moment. I rattle off a couple of questions in my mind sometime. Do I want too much for myself? What is this all building towards? I have also come to the conclusion I do not handle stress well at all. Work has been increasingly stressful and its pushed my desire to leave even further. The thing is another question occurs. Is moving back to Jersey the right move? Despite my emphatic hate for this state I cannot say that I haven't grown as a person and learned so much about myself in these three years. I think I need to post more I find it therapeutic.

Connect Group Meeting

I had a great time networking with another young adult ministry. Its a powerful testimony of God's glory of what is going on in these young people's lives. The Fusion conference planning seems to really be going well and tomorrow we have another meeting just to push us forward. I really cant wait until it all comes to fruition on June 18th. I will probably update about the other insanity going on in my life at some point.