I think this is the most therapeutic way I know how to deal with things. There has been so much going on the last couple of weeks and months I honestly do not know where to begin. I guess no time like the present.
I am pretty much hurting right now. I have not felt this way in a very very long time. It sucks. I closed a chapter in my life I was not ready to. That chapter brought me a lot of happiness and I hope I brought it some too. I know for a fact they are not feeling as crummy as I am and I think that hurts the most. Knowing that you give everything to someone and they don’t have to give you themselves in return is a very dangerous thing. Love is a very dangerous thing. I think back to all my crushes to all the women that have “had” my heart and I realize that I never made things easy on myself. All the women that I have pine for and that I know I could never have has never stopped me from trying. The women that I could have and wanted me are the same who I treated with disrespect and not a care.
This time was different. She said she cared for me. That she liked me and at the end she said she loved me too. Yet, I had to push her away.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Friday, November 6, 2009
The Bubblies
I find that my colon’s kryptonite is that of the wing variety, from hot to honey. Give me any amount of those delicious little fowls and I am likely to fellate the lot of you. However these little birds pay me back from beyond the grave with Bettlejuice insanity on my rectum. They bestow upon me the little gift known as the bubblies.
One of the most terrifying feelings in the world is the bubblies. You know what I mean. It starts with a small rumble/stomach gargle, then your brow and upper lip start to perspire as if you were just caught cheating on your wife. Like lighting it hits you that this shit is going down quicker than Justin Guarini’s music career.
It started early one October morning around 5am. A night of a wing feast to end all wing feasts had me soundly asleep. Instead of rumbles and gargles, my stomach was at war with itself…300 style. My stomach was hit with an invisible hot knife. Sweat began to bead off my face like a fat kid waiting at the ice cream truck on a hot summer day. I said to myself its nothing…sleep it off. My mind kicked me one more time in a stomach as if to say “Who are you kidding?!”.
I sprang to life, being that I sleep naked I had to find something to cover myself up before making my break to the bathroom. It was a frantic search for shorts and a t shirt. All the while my stomach kept on churning. I raced to the first bathroom only to find it occupied. I cursed the mighty Zeus for that. I felt the onslaught of shit coming quicker then one of my premature ejaculations. I raced to the second bathroom. I barely had time to position my cheeks over the throne as a hot stream of waste slide out my buttock. Pain and sweat was written over my face as I stared at myself in the mirror taking this mighty dump. As I type this now I tremble for the memories I tried to repress from that morning. It was one of the roughest moments of my life. I got up after barely surviving the rape of my digestive tract. My legs were weak from the fight and stomach hinting at the fact that there might be a second wave. I looked down to see the orange goo that laid in the bowl that could only be describe as gallons of what I could only imagine that Gerber carrot baby food looks like. I flushed and as I watch mounts of liquefied wings go down I was relived.
In close FDR said, “All we have to fear is fear itself.” Ladies and Gentlemen I add to that we also must also fear the bubblies. For like the Koreans, they can strike at any time and any hour.
One of the most terrifying feelings in the world is the bubblies. You know what I mean. It starts with a small rumble/stomach gargle, then your brow and upper lip start to perspire as if you were just caught cheating on your wife. Like lighting it hits you that this shit is going down quicker than Justin Guarini’s music career.
It started early one October morning around 5am. A night of a wing feast to end all wing feasts had me soundly asleep. Instead of rumbles and gargles, my stomach was at war with itself…300 style. My stomach was hit with an invisible hot knife. Sweat began to bead off my face like a fat kid waiting at the ice cream truck on a hot summer day. I said to myself its nothing…sleep it off. My mind kicked me one more time in a stomach as if to say “Who are you kidding?!”.
I sprang to life, being that I sleep naked I had to find something to cover myself up before making my break to the bathroom. It was a frantic search for shorts and a t shirt. All the while my stomach kept on churning. I raced to the first bathroom only to find it occupied. I cursed the mighty Zeus for that. I felt the onslaught of shit coming quicker then one of my premature ejaculations. I raced to the second bathroom. I barely had time to position my cheeks over the throne as a hot stream of waste slide out my buttock. Pain and sweat was written over my face as I stared at myself in the mirror taking this mighty dump. As I type this now I tremble for the memories I tried to repress from that morning. It was one of the roughest moments of my life. I got up after barely surviving the rape of my digestive tract. My legs were weak from the fight and stomach hinting at the fact that there might be a second wave. I looked down to see the orange goo that laid in the bowl that could only be describe as gallons of what I could only imagine that Gerber carrot baby food looks like. I flushed and as I watch mounts of liquefied wings go down I was relived.
In close FDR said, “All we have to fear is fear itself.” Ladies and Gentlemen I add to that we also must also fear the bubblies. For like the Koreans, they can strike at any time and any hour.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Mad Updates Yo
I can’t really remember all the short stories but there have been a lot of them since the last time I posted. These are not in chronological order. I just needed like a catch up post so here it is.
Ant pushes down a pregnant chick.
We were at some bar in Hoboken and we see some big chick. My first reaction is to ask her if she really is pregnant. Everyone suggested this was not the right course of action. Shaun however asked her, “What trimester was she in?” She answered to our surprise. Our next question was going to be why she is then out at a bar and drinking on top of that. We decided against this. She tries dancing with me and immediately I push her head down to begin to grind on her, I however didn’t take in account her mismatch weight issues so that bitch ended up tipping over and falling over.
Abe goes to MI
There’s so much to say here that honestly this should be its own blog post. Abe meets some chick off shade(cell phone rpg game). Abe goes to chicks house in MI. Abe meets chicks husband and family. Abe bangs chick while husband is away. That’s the extremely condense story.
Freke and Me go to Science
The short one liner from this story is me debating on telling the security guard the Megan’s law line. Freke adamantly suggests against this.
Ant and Freke’s Halloween
The great story from Halloween is Freke and I went to a party and we meet some grotesque woman. Her costume was Jessica Rabbit. The sad thing was at first I thought she was a man. The second thing is she looked like Kristy Alley. It was just horrible. She sits on Frekes lap and talks him up a bit I am dying on the inside. If only I had a camera. She later walks away and then I go to Freke that bitch looks like Tim Tebow with a wig. One another note I met some insane white dude at the party who said he was so cocky he deserved his own dictionary. He said he likes talking like Ali. Overall it was just a strange and weird Halloween. Earlier in the day I gave candy outside my store and scared the shit out of some white lady good times. Also several friends said they would disown me if I wrote this as my fb status…..”It arouses me to give candy to little children.” And “So as I gave out candy I cut a hole in the bottom of the box and told the kids to dig in.” Who knew people were so touchy on pedophilia.
Ant pushes down a pregnant chick.
We were at some bar in Hoboken and we see some big chick. My first reaction is to ask her if she really is pregnant. Everyone suggested this was not the right course of action. Shaun however asked her, “What trimester was she in?” She answered to our surprise. Our next question was going to be why she is then out at a bar and drinking on top of that. We decided against this. She tries dancing with me and immediately I push her head down to begin to grind on her, I however didn’t take in account her mismatch weight issues so that bitch ended up tipping over and falling over.
Abe goes to MI
There’s so much to say here that honestly this should be its own blog post. Abe meets some chick off shade(cell phone rpg game). Abe goes to chicks house in MI. Abe meets chicks husband and family. Abe bangs chick while husband is away. That’s the extremely condense story.
Freke and Me go to Science
The short one liner from this story is me debating on telling the security guard the Megan’s law line. Freke adamantly suggests against this.
Ant and Freke’s Halloween
The great story from Halloween is Freke and I went to a party and we meet some grotesque woman. Her costume was Jessica Rabbit. The sad thing was at first I thought she was a man. The second thing is she looked like Kristy Alley. It was just horrible. She sits on Frekes lap and talks him up a bit I am dying on the inside. If only I had a camera. She later walks away and then I go to Freke that bitch looks like Tim Tebow with a wig. One another note I met some insane white dude at the party who said he was so cocky he deserved his own dictionary. He said he likes talking like Ali. Overall it was just a strange and weird Halloween. Earlier in the day I gave candy outside my store and scared the shit out of some white lady good times. Also several friends said they would disown me if I wrote this as my fb status…..”It arouses me to give candy to little children.” And “So as I gave out candy I cut a hole in the bottom of the box and told the kids to dig in.” Who knew people were so touchy on pedophilia.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
End of Legacy
Jersey Gardens Store 61 closed on Monday the 24th of August. To put it simply I am the man I am today because of that place. I am where I am professionally because of that store. My friends became my family in that store. The boss Rob became the father figure that I needed and looked for in that store. Jersey Gardens taught me how to take responsibility for something other than myself. It taught me to excel at something and even if it seems futile. That you still had to keep going no matter what. People say a job is just a job and I feel sorry for them because they will never understand the complete and utter joy ….well sometimes joy that I had while walking through those sensormatics. I knew that during my 8-12hrs there that I would have fun, share stories, and see crazy shit that could only happen in Elizabeth NJ. If I could count the times I had emotional breakdowns in that backroom I would be better at math. If I could count the times that Maria or Rob or anyone else brought me a meal because I didn’t have one it would be impossible. The stories, the god damn stories that we have; if those walls could talk we all would have been fired a long ass time ago. I’m sad because I feel like a big part of my life was taken away from me. I always felt no matter what Jersey Gardens Haggar store would always be there. The bonds I created with the people there I know will transcend time but we all know it just won’t be the same. I miss those guys already and it’s not like their even dead. I’ve devoted so much time and energy to that company to that store how could I not feel like I’m not losing apart of myself. I never thought a place could make a person change so much. We all grew up in that store and became men including Maria lol. I could have left the store countless times for more money at different companies but that store gave me something that I didn’t realize I had until I did leave….it gave me happiness.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Life's not all sunshine and rainbows...but you know that
When it comes to friends I probably have the best on the planet hands down. They are smart intelligent and extremely loyal. My friends always try to help me at my lowest points and try to help me see more of myself then I do.
With that said they see me going through a tough time right now. My habitual drinking is causing them a lot of pain and hurt. They feel it’s a substance abuse that will end up taking my life. I am a very depressed and emotionally unstable human being. When I get angry I drink when I get sad I drink. When there is an availability of Sam Adams or beer of my liking I drink. I’ve forgone bread to buy booze. My friends don’t understand why. They can’t possibly see the reasoning behind this. It’s because in my mind the taste of alcohol is a refreshing delight that leads to the road of forgetfulness and a pain free existence. My isolated life in CT has ruined me. I am not used to being alone hell I’m afraid of it. When I go out to drink my existence feels bearable. I see the couple of guys I know around town and it just becomes a good time. It’s not like I’m drinking on the job or blowing guys in alley for a can of naty ice. I just enjoy alcohol and I don’t see how giving it up is going to change anything. I honestly believe I will in all probability be sadder without booze in my life. It’s a sad statement but I believe it to be true.
The last couple of weeks have been exceptionally rough. Shaun of all people is coming down hard on me about my drinking. Throwing little quips in here and there and it pisses me off. I understand where he is coming from he is genuinely concern. Everyone knows though if Anthony Diaz is going to do something he is going to do it. Last night I had a convo with my boss Rob and he told me basically cut the shit and stop doing dumb shit again referring to my drinking. Rob I love with all my heart he’s been the father I wished I had as a kid. I take Rob’s word for law but I just can’t do it though. Another conversation which I initiated was with Audrey. We ended up having several arguments about this and that and then she said, “But seriously…If you wanna keep your friends….How about you trade your Sam Adams for your friends once in a while. We’d rather have a friend who’s alive over a friend who’s not.” Here’s another quote , “Yea. I feel damn betrayed. You don’t wanna accept responsibility…Fine. You never do. So stay drunk. act like a jerk.” I felt so fucking shitty after that and you know what I thought could absolve me of my problems that right another beautiful bottle of Sam.
People will never understand other people’s pain or suffering. No one will ever know what another is thinking or feeling. We can try our hardest but even walking in another man’s shoes will never give you incite to his soul. Pain is a very very personal thing. The remedy to that pain is equally as personal. We can try to console advise and bandage another person but ultimately it is always up to that person to solve their own issues. I’m not looking to solve my problems other people are looking to solve my problems. When I need help I just ask you guys be there for me.
With that said they see me going through a tough time right now. My habitual drinking is causing them a lot of pain and hurt. They feel it’s a substance abuse that will end up taking my life. I am a very depressed and emotionally unstable human being. When I get angry I drink when I get sad I drink. When there is an availability of Sam Adams or beer of my liking I drink. I’ve forgone bread to buy booze. My friends don’t understand why. They can’t possibly see the reasoning behind this. It’s because in my mind the taste of alcohol is a refreshing delight that leads to the road of forgetfulness and a pain free existence. My isolated life in CT has ruined me. I am not used to being alone hell I’m afraid of it. When I go out to drink my existence feels bearable. I see the couple of guys I know around town and it just becomes a good time. It’s not like I’m drinking on the job or blowing guys in alley for a can of naty ice. I just enjoy alcohol and I don’t see how giving it up is going to change anything. I honestly believe I will in all probability be sadder without booze in my life. It’s a sad statement but I believe it to be true.
The last couple of weeks have been exceptionally rough. Shaun of all people is coming down hard on me about my drinking. Throwing little quips in here and there and it pisses me off. I understand where he is coming from he is genuinely concern. Everyone knows though if Anthony Diaz is going to do something he is going to do it. Last night I had a convo with my boss Rob and he told me basically cut the shit and stop doing dumb shit again referring to my drinking. Rob I love with all my heart he’s been the father I wished I had as a kid. I take Rob’s word for law but I just can’t do it though. Another conversation which I initiated was with Audrey. We ended up having several arguments about this and that and then she said, “But seriously…If you wanna keep your friends….How about you trade your Sam Adams for your friends once in a while. We’d rather have a friend who’s alive over a friend who’s not.” Here’s another quote , “Yea. I feel damn betrayed. You don’t wanna accept responsibility…Fine. You never do. So stay drunk. act like a jerk.” I felt so fucking shitty after that and you know what I thought could absolve me of my problems that right another beautiful bottle of Sam.
People will never understand other people’s pain or suffering. No one will ever know what another is thinking or feeling. We can try our hardest but even walking in another man’s shoes will never give you incite to his soul. Pain is a very very personal thing. The remedy to that pain is equally as personal. We can try to console advise and bandage another person but ultimately it is always up to that person to solve their own issues. I’m not looking to solve my problems other people are looking to solve my problems. When I need help I just ask you guys be there for me.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
No man is an Island
I guess the best way to start this is that no man is an island. How many times have people heard that? Hell how many times have I said it? I hear I am a brilliant man all the time but after three conversations never. That happen to me tonight and it was a revolutionary thing. It was a revolutionary thing because someone asked me what is that I could do right now to make me happy and my response was, “Be the voice of my people.” They immediately responded with jubilation. They said that God told them to ask me that question and that would be the response. It was weird everyone knows my thoughts on the big man upstairs but lately spiritually talk has been coming up. Whether its friends converting or myself converting its still has been a reoccurring theme. I don’t know if eventually I am supposed to find a righteous path and all things will fall into place from it. I don’t know how to answer questions when people say , “Your smarter than this retail thing why aren’t you doing something else?” I just don’t know anymore. For years people gravitated towards me because of my personality and my ability to speak. I loved them for it. Now my life is comprised of so many different things I don’t even know where I fall into place. I have my friends trying to guide me fearful of what I will become or fearful of an early death and I mean while keep trudging along. What am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to be? These aren’t simple questions and people still don’t have them figured out. No one is a 100% happy with his or her life so why do I have to be at this age.
The man I spoke to tonight said my mother instilled me various traits and my grandmother’s loved hell them within me. To this I was speechless…….everyone knows the hate I have for my mother and the thought of her instilling anything in me is almost vomit inducing. Its true though I say I am everything I am for the lack of presence of my real father and I am that I am for the presence of my mother. She was a cold hearted ruthless bitch that created Anthony Dawayne Diaz. She is what she is and I am what I am. He went on to say that I am ok with who I am and I should be ok with that. That God forgives me for my actions and can see into my heart. In my heart he sees kindness and hope. I don’t normally think anything of this kind of talk but I don’t know. Something really really got to me. I am not saying it was divine intervention but it sure as hell was something. I always say I’m circling the drain but not this time not this time
The man I spoke to tonight said my mother instilled me various traits and my grandmother’s loved hell them within me. To this I was speechless…….everyone knows the hate I have for my mother and the thought of her instilling anything in me is almost vomit inducing. Its true though I say I am everything I am for the lack of presence of my real father and I am that I am for the presence of my mother. She was a cold hearted ruthless bitch that created Anthony Dawayne Diaz. She is what she is and I am what I am. He went on to say that I am ok with who I am and I should be ok with that. That God forgives me for my actions and can see into my heart. In my heart he sees kindness and hope. I don’t normally think anything of this kind of talk but I don’t know. Something really really got to me. I am not saying it was divine intervention but it sure as hell was something. I always say I’m circling the drain but not this time not this time
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
And ill call this one Wedding Cake
Wedding Cake
The reason for the name is because of course she had multiple layers hehe. I just don’t know what my fascination with the big girls………oh yeah that’s right they are easier to sleep with. So of course I am at the local Westbrook drinking bar and I begin to scope out the joint. I see her sitting alone I figured bingo. So after walking around a bit kind of noticing her and kind of not she ends up striking up a conversation with me. Comes to find out she is the assistant manager from the big and tall store in the same outlets I work at. Go figure. The world knows me so striking up a conversation with someone in my same field is pretty easy and yet it’s terrible how Haggar has completely dominated my life. We start comparing sales figures and shit it’s just sad. Towards the end of the night she asks if she can come back to my place to watch a movie. I’m thinking wow this chick wants the Ant man or she’s really really drunk.
She comes back to my room and then she’s like ok take your shirt off and where is your lotion. I’m like wtf. She begins to massage my body and my nipples dousing her hands with lotion. I am not going to lie, felt fucking great. So then she gets all riled up and wet and shit and she’s like, “Your dick my mouth.” This is some shit I can really get behind. She starts blowing me and of course she has some jager with her. She takes a shot of jager spits it on my junk and then proceeds to blow it off. I know how fucking awesome is that. We have sex about three times. She ends up sleeping over which I don’t know what possess me not to kick her the fuck out but I didn’t. I guess I’m nice like that. Which I end up regretting cuz she fucking wetted a huge ass spot on my mattress not to mention some of my blankets. I was pissed. But you know what some good fucking sex sooo shit happens.
The reason for the name is because of course she had multiple layers hehe. I just don’t know what my fascination with the big girls………oh yeah that’s right they are easier to sleep with. So of course I am at the local Westbrook drinking bar and I begin to scope out the joint. I see her sitting alone I figured bingo. So after walking around a bit kind of noticing her and kind of not she ends up striking up a conversation with me. Comes to find out she is the assistant manager from the big and tall store in the same outlets I work at. Go figure. The world knows me so striking up a conversation with someone in my same field is pretty easy and yet it’s terrible how Haggar has completely dominated my life. We start comparing sales figures and shit it’s just sad. Towards the end of the night she asks if she can come back to my place to watch a movie. I’m thinking wow this chick wants the Ant man or she’s really really drunk.
She comes back to my room and then she’s like ok take your shirt off and where is your lotion. I’m like wtf. She begins to massage my body and my nipples dousing her hands with lotion. I am not going to lie, felt fucking great. So then she gets all riled up and wet and shit and she’s like, “Your dick my mouth.” This is some shit I can really get behind. She starts blowing me and of course she has some jager with her. She takes a shot of jager spits it on my junk and then proceeds to blow it off. I know how fucking awesome is that. We have sex about three times. She ends up sleeping over which I don’t know what possess me not to kick her the fuck out but I didn’t. I guess I’m nice like that. Which I end up regretting cuz she fucking wetted a huge ass spot on my mattress not to mention some of my blankets. I was pissed. But you know what some good fucking sex sooo shit happens.
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