Hey Ant your depression is showin!

I had a conversation with a friend tonight and she asked me how I was doing? I replied back the typical living the dream blah blah blah. Normally this makes people chuckle and move on. She did not accept that answer. She said, "No, I don't think so!" I was taken aback. I said, "What do you mean?" She went onto explain how some days she see that I am really down and other days I am on fire. She said I am not living a balance life and she could tell. That if I wanted to have longevity in the fight then I needed to do more self care. I needed to put myself first before all the causes. I need to do more for myself than just hit the next protest. She expressed the point of me needing to feel outside of myself to get those feelings out. The ones that confine me the negative narrative that creeps in at time. Shit is rough sometimes. I have to say this whole conversation really made me think. I had a mix day. It was cold af. I saw my grandfather and he's losing more hair to chemo. I attended a radio show with a spoken word collective group and finally home and made beyond burgers for my little cousin and me. I am trying to find balance again. I really can get lost in doing everything and that is when I feel the worse. I am glad I had this conversation tonight. It spurred me to write this post so I can get my thoughts out so I do not leave them rumbling around in my head.

Growth

I have experience some unprecedented growth over the last year. My friend summed it up as feeling  capable. I have to agree. I think there was some self erected walls and they were sometimes by force taken down. Earlier this year I felt some fire kindling inside of me and as per usual it went away not completely but away. While cleaning I found something a wrote a while ago during one of our conversations. I always struggle with this concept of feeling better and bigger than I ever myself could feel. I normally would bury this feeling and move on. I would ignore whatever nagging pain or stress it would cause me and suffocate it until it became only whispers until the next fight. This time during this period of growth, I have decided to face these pains head on no matter what the outcome. I feel more equipped and capable of dealing with the nonsense.

The list also included traits on how I would describe how I feel the world sees me and how I see myself. Anthonyness is .... the parenthesis contain the "why"
protector, (Too much wrong in the world)
speaker, (Loves giving a good speech)
rebel, (Justice fighter)
learner, (Woke)
catalyst for change, (Personality)
earnest, (Integrity)
sad, (Hard path)
deep pain, (Hard path)
wise, thoughtful (Try to respond with emotion and heart)
Not the mask but the truth underneath.  (Dark comedian shell is protective and lets nothing in)

Stepping up the plate is hard. Dealing with all the things are hard but it must be done. The latest meme that has struck a chord with me is "I came to change lives!" If I was put on this planet to struggle and to fight and to become better then I must deal with the ugly as well as the good. I am tired but I am not dead yet and as Brendan so eloquently yells in his rocky speech that when we are beaten and battered there is always a voice that says get up and push on. It's that whisper of the fire that I need to keep stoking in order to hit the next levels that I want.

Mondaiest Monday

Last night I have had an extremely violent dream and it fucked up my morning and who entire outlook on life. The dream was about someone who was attacking me or trying to harm me and I could not kill him. I could not stop him. No matter what the person kept on coming. The person was invincible and immortal. This is where is gets a little hazy but I think my brother tried to stop him and ended up dying in the process. This messed me up pretty bad.  I don’t know if it was because of Devin. I don’t know if it was because I couldn’t stop him. I immediately tried to make sense of this. I tried to make sense of my dream and couldn’t. There was no logical explanation for me having this dark ass dream. The only analogy I could use was that in this dream the person I could not stop was me. It was a physical manifestation of my desires to not change or desires in general. I don’t know if that makes any sense or just like usual, I am being overanalytical and too introspective. Then of course I have some special people in my life that are willing to call me out on my shit and piss me off in the right way to motivate me to move me to say let’s get it done. The phrase that she likes to use is that, “THE CITY NEEDS A HERO!” Its trueeee if not NOW when! WHEN! Be the miracle! 

You have to be courageous enough to continuously do the work that needs to be done. Fuck the doubt, fuck the fear, fuck the negative narrative. Live the purpose driven life! 

#sayhername

The Sandra Bland documentary was definitely the perfect thing to watch tonight. I have been plagued by this question of How do I make my fire sustainable? Sabre suggested affirmations and speaking things into existence to power the the fire. Another friend suggested by doing the next right thing like AA says. This is where I might go off the rails a bit but please give me a chance. Battles are won because of the people who fought them. That sounds completely like of course Anthony of course. I think the common trope or hope is that we have some great leader that rises and galvanizes the troops towards victory. Waiting for Superman, the culture seems to be waiting for Malcolm. We are living in the now. I say that to mean, we all have thoughts of what we would have done if we were around during slavery or lived during the Nazi era but we are literally living with Nazis. We are living through a systematic genocide of black and brown people under the guise of authority. The black holocaust is happening now. Black bodies hit these streets and some are appalled, some chose to ignore, I however always feel empowered. I always feel hope. I feel like I stand on their shoulders to push up and forward. That is why I continue to pour my energy into various political endeavors. Time wanes on and that fire and passion never fully subsides but diminishes a bit. It hurts me because the fact is I truly want to live my life on a hundit. The thing I tell myself is if not now then when. You don't have to be a Malcolm or a Martin to embodied their spirit. You just have to be courageous enough to continuously do the work that needs to be done. You might not get a holiday or a documentary but you will help us, the collective us, march on towards that perpetual goal of absolute freedom. The fire comes from learning about people like Sandra Bland. The fire comes from organizing small groups. The fire comes by living with a god damn sense of purpose. Her story is magnified greater because of who she was as a person. She was about that life. I never met her but I instantly have a profound and deep love for her. I need to tap into the pools of that fight energy everyday not only from her but from others. I feel it in my bones and I feel in my spirit. To borrow the phrase from Rick Warren but I am so fucking ready to live this purpose driven life. 

Heart Smiles

Friendships are a very very powerful thing. They have gotten me through the toughest times in my life. They have help me overcome tremendous obstacles. The older I have gotten the more I appreciate the intangible value of friendship. Recently, I have gotten extremely close to one of my friends and it was a great reminder of the love that I have in my life and the love I am able to give in my life. Intimate love and the love displayed in friendship sometimes blur and is very different but powerful nonetheless. The current friendship has inspired me to start moving myself to work on personal goals and ask myself each and every day, “What have I done to move closer to accomplishing my goals!” I know it is kind of cliché but honestly, it made me think of all the bullshit that I do each day to further someone else’s goals or dreams or hinder my growth by wasting my time in nonsense. I have realized that I have become very thoughtful in my decision-making process and as I often like to say YOLO, that that lifestyle is far from realistic in your 30’s versus your 20’s. Pretty much a nice way of saying I am washed! I think the affinity that I have for this current individual is that she simply lives out her life with intention.  Do not get me wrong several of my friends do but it’s different. I love my network. I think I often take them for granted but I have been receiving some gentle reminders that my crew is pretty dope. I could go on but I feel like that’s a great way to end this post.

Its been a while....

Well it has been about three years since the last time I typed up an entry. In the last three years I have some crazy things happen in my life. 2018 was a specifically tough year for me filled with tons of changes.
 The biggest thing to happen to me in 18 was running for city council in Newark. It was one of the proudest hardest things that I have ever done. I am extremely proud of the campaign that we ran and despite what I may say I have no regrets about it. It was something that finally gave me that old spark of life again. It felt good to be working and making decisions in my best interest. It felt like an old part of me woke up again. I missed that part and I thought it was long gone. I thought there was no getting it back. I had arrived professionally and personally. I forgot what that fire tasted like and I wanted more. I will say I was sad with the results of the elections. I just felt like the numbers did not reflect the work that was put in.
 The 2nd big event of 18 would be getting fired from Modell's Sporting Goods. I was with the company for 6 years and achieved a great deal of personal and professional success. I was let go partly for arrogance and partly for where the company was headed. It was tough to find a job and figure out what I wanted to do. The three months that followed were filled with a lot of lows and self doubt and hits to my self esteem. It was a battle to come out of that depression. I did not think I had it in me. I relied a lot on my friends to help me through the tough times and be there for me and without hesitation they all came through. I did not want to go back to retail but it seemed like that was all I was destined for. It was at this time where I literally almost lost all hope that my friend presented me with an opportunity.
I admit I was hesitant and fearful at first. I did not think I could do the job and survive in this completely different environment than what I was used to. I started the new job and excelled at it very quickly. It help restore some of that lost swagger. It help me realize a little more that I am what people think of me. It's just a job not a career but I can definitely use this as a stepping stone to something greater. I am a bit tired right now but I do miss typing out my thoughts. I have been hanging out with a special friend recently and the conversations we have help me develop my mental strength and help to challenge my perspectives....to think I could still learn....all of that is to say that she encouraged me to start getting it out again and thus I have. 

Open Mic Night

I went to an open mic night recently and I wanted to perform. I decided to look up some old stuff and edit it up a bit before I go and perform next week. I haven't really written anything since I was in high school. I gotta be honest it feels real good. I don't know how good it is or even if it is good but I figured who cares it's all subjective anyway. Who knows if I have the courage to keep doing this I might finally start doing stand up comedy.

Original

I look into your soul to see the vastness Expecting to see the light but what sends a fright down my spine is the blackness the hatred and corrosiveness that intertwine together to enwrap your soul into a never- ending pool of despair and depression Your outer shell is like the black pearl at the bottom of the sea beautiful on the out side and that’s it but like glass I can see through it So young with so much pain perplexes the most complicated of minds 3 years of being the mask in front of the man instead of the man behind the mask Like an actor in a play portraying the comedian while fighting the beasts within which are an embodiment of my essence With a plethora of thoughts racing through my min stop by one question who am I The Dark Comedian

Edited

I look into your soul expecting to see the vastness of hope and courage

Instead I am met with the blackness the hatred the corrosiveness that intertwine together to enwrap your soul into a never- ending pool of despair and depression

Your outer shell is like a black pearl, beautiful on the outside and that’s it

like glass I can see through it

So young with so much pain perplexes the most complicated of minds

3 years of being the mask in front of the man instead of the man behind the mask

Like an actor portraying the comedian while fighting the beasts within

Anxiety is welcome as an old friend. Mind constantly in motion. Forever fighting. So much confusion. So much doubt. So much pain.

A plethora of thoughts racing through me

stop by one question what am I

The Dark Comedian

The journey to getting it together

So I decided to sign up for a credit repair company and begin the long and painful task of getting my finances together. I think what really prompted this whole thing was the house seed everyone has been trying to plant into my head. I know that wouldn't make me happy. I definitely do not want a house right now but I figure I will want one someday. I should start making moves to make it happen now. I realized that it is going to be a long battle but aint no time like the present. Another thing is I have been thinking about moving out and getting my own space...well at least with Abe somewhere. I figured why move out into an apartment when I can move out into a house. I started looking at places in Newark because that is where I can see myself for the foreseeable future. God only knows though. Anything can happen in the next year or so but that is where I have at least started. Other than that things are going pretty ok. I am waiting for some crazy shit to happen but maybe nothing is going to happen. Maybe those times are over but I am not holding my breathe. Any shit could happen at a moments notice. I want to write more about my loneliness but I think I will devote tomorrow's entry to that. I am trying to write more regularly because it is therapeutic.

So I did it again

Hate to sound like an emotional wreck but I put myself in a situation that I am usually do. I thought by now I would know better. I think I really do it because I don't really care. I was talking to my friend John about my loneliness and how it puts me into these situations and he usually tells me the same thing. Life is about balance. It's a damn near impossible thing to obtain but balancing life will ultimately lead to happiness. He also said dating in your late 20s is nothing like dating earlier. I get it though. I love a young woman with a hot body, what man doesn't. These woman though are just superficial and could never offer me what a woman of substance  can. I genuinely think I'm over trying to find my power partner and be that power couple taking over our respective worlds. I just want someone nice to settle down with and won't stab me in my sleep. I think I'm setting the bar high there. The one good positive thing that I feel is that I'm  starting to get my mojo back. I'm feeling cocky and arrogant and in order to run the system that I run I need those two traits running high. I need to feel like I'm  the shit to keep the managers and the staff in line. I build systems based on hard work and discipline. It only works if I am confident in my abilities. I got my swagger back and now it's time to dominate.

Changes

I never know if the decisions I make are ever really the right ones. Once, I make a decision I rarely remain confident in that decision either. I adapt to the situation  at hand and make the best of it. Adaptability has brought me very far and continues to make me successful. It's hard at times to readily accept the next chapter  and challenge. I manage though. I am not sure if taking this new store was the right decision. I say that only because I was taken out of my comfort zone. I was coasting on past successes and I was fine with that. Now, face with different expectations and different standards I have to adapt and change myself once again. That's what good managers do. That's what good leaders do. I know these moments of doubt are temporary and fleeting and it's good for me to get them out of my head. This to shall pass. I will be great because I am great. It's not arrogant if you can back it up.

The Ratchet Ness of Ant

I've been wanting to write  something for a while but could never find a topic. My mind is a jumble mess again. I always find it odd at how I can be operating  at two ends of the spectrum  simultaneously. I am at peace of sorts and yet at the same time out of balance. Is God the answer? I feel like it is. I miss being in a church, a good church. My cousin is a new believer and a pretty strong example of how far faith can take you. I need to start praying  again.

I also think I am pretty lonely. Recently,  one of my old flings just got married and let's just say she was not the cream of the crop. Not only that but I had one of the worse one night stands of my life. Typically, I wouldn't  hold back and share all the intimate details but even I think this situation was pretty ridiculous. I had a what the hell are you doing with your life moment after it was all said and done. I started to do the online dating world again. It so damn interesting the information  we put out there about ourselves  to try to foster any tidbit of a connection. I wonder how long this search will last before I am side track again. I am really going to stop  easing around with crazy women this year. Aren't they all crazy though?

Insomnia spurs review of 2014

It has been one hell of a year to say the least. My brother committed suicide. I celebrated a year of sobriety. I got the promotion that I wanted and a couple of  raises too. I spent some time in Florida with Kevo and Joe. I turned a job down with Walmart. I started school again. I met some interesting  people and I  regained some old friendships. I got a new car. Those are just a few things I can think of.

One of the things I have been really trying to grasp lately is the need to be satisfied. Happiness is something I will never find in something or someone. The year has been trying but it was filled with a lot of hope too. I think that this year's experiences has taught me some real key life lessons. Life has definitely made me a man this year. I thought that my grandmother's death in 2013 was the hardest thing I could go through. I was wrong. Losing my brother has given me a relationship and love for my nephew. It has made me reach out with more consistency to  my brothers and mother. It has made me find strength when I thought I was all tapped out. My friends or family that pulled through and donated time and money for me was the greatest gift of all that came out of that tragedy. I know that I am truly loved in this world. That is one of the best things a guy can ask for. I hope 2015 brings less hardships but if it doesn't, I know I am prepared.

School Daze

I've been laughing every time I walk on campus. The whole thing feels very surreal almost like a daze. I just remember  being on this campus of literally thousands of students and sticking out of the crowd. It's not like that anymore. I am an attention  whore and proudly admit it. This time though, it feels kind of good not to be in the spotlight. I keep my head down and do my work. I try not to talk in class unless I am forced. Even when I do I try to keep my participation to a quick and direct answer. I know my college experience is over. I'm not here to live the dream, I'm here to get that degree and move on. At times, I feel myself wanting to enter the fray  but work has been keeping me pretty busy. I juse like to stay busy nowadays. Writing all of this helps me keep the junk out of my head. I wonder where I would be if I never dropped out of school all those years ago.

Pseudo Relationships Part 2 (Updated post from 2009)

Pseudo relationships are a blight on my existence. Most relationships I have had with women tend to be of the pseudo persuasion. There are several pros but soooo many more cons to these kinds of relationships. The cons tend to be a compromising of your character i.e., a tendency to do things that go against your very nature in order to please the female in your pseudo relationship, a need to be the emotional pillow for said female, also an inherent loss of masculinity. The pros I feel are not really pros but false positive things we tend to make up in order to deal with the pseudo relationship. One of the biggest false positives we have is making up this reason that talking to the person gives us a sense of fulfillment that we could not receive anywhere else. Personally I think its bullshit. Another false positive is just having the token female presence in your life is sometimes good when you’re constantly in a sea of testosterone. The problem with pseudo relationships doesn't stem from the relationship themselves but from the people. The people that tend to get involved in these types of commitments are, let’s face it, pussies and I am talking about men and woman.

We all have problems and we try to find another person that can help us cope with our own bullshit while helping them cope with theirs. As I said before we use these particular people as emotional pillows while fulfilling that physical need with someone else. We enjoy the conversations and just genuinely being around that person so much that we won’t do anything to mess it up. Society today has been so compelled to put a label on something. However to do that, we feel we can upset the delicate balance that so many people in pseudo relationships work hard to establish. Another thing is that maybe the feelings are completely one sided and it seems like the other person likes us and likes the attention, the calls, the texts, the Facebook comments; when in reality they simply just like the attention. We, however, are so caught up in the possibility of them liking us that we are too blind to see and again we don’t want to ruin what we do have. We don’t want to turn the situation into something awkward and destroy the friendship. So we put up with it. Basically folks I am saying you’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t. It honestly depends how long you can stomach the situation.
That is all.

I wrote that in 2009 and wow how relevant is it today. I think this time around the difference between the man who wrote that article and the man I am now is that I don't put up with that shit anymore. I am told old for that nonsense. I believe you are in a relationship or not. I have way to many friends. We all try to satisfy that emotional need in various ways when we are not in a relationship and it is pretty unhealthy if we allow it to be. Even the friends with benefits situation is a slippery slope. It depends on the person if you can have the physical without the emotional but depending on who you are, it aint easy. The point to this all is that be honest with the person no matter what. I also changed the name of the blog, my sponsor thought it might be time.

Happiness

    I do not really sleep well anymore. I think a majority of it has to do with my weight but there is another part that has to do with my state of mind. Sometimes, I feel like I am like a spool of thread that is beginning to unravel. I know many of my friends would probably say that I've been that way for years now. I do not write as much on my blog because I often do feel like I do not have anything to say anymore.
    My brother and grandmother are dead. I do not have any love aspirations. I am a workaholic. I am still sober and I am currently enrolled in college again. It seems like a wonderfully monotonous life.
     I think I am going to start writing more regularly. It would help with my writing and it will help empty out the random ass thoughts that get stuck in my mind.

My brothers eulogy

First and foremost I would like to take this time to publicly thank my friends that have held my family up in prayer and donations. As a result my resolve to make it through this lost has remained fortified.
This was the hardest thing for me to write the various emotions were at times overwhelming. No words that I could pen were good enough. No memory precious enough. No brotherly analogy powerful enough. I couldn't decide whether or not to blame family members. I couldn't decide whether or not to voice my anger at him. I couldn't decide to whether or not really let myself feel this pain.

It finally occurred to me the lost feeling that has been resonating in my being was from the realization that a piece of my soul has forever been removed from this world. Even right now as I stand here the thought that wont relent is not my brother. At my brothers worst I couldn't help but love him. Devin had a beautiful soul and to know him was to love him. My family has always had more drama than a Spanish soap opera. We could never agree on a solution for my brother, however the commonality that we shared was our love for him.

As a brother if i had the power to remove the obsession of drugs from his heart and mind, I testify before God that I would have done so. My brother lived a tragic life. No one in this room will ever know the daily pain that he carried with him. No one will ever know the overwhelming pain in his last moments.

The lost of my brother was a wake up sign and a call to action for me. Dereck and David I promise to you never to be distant and to always love you no matter what. I will be your champion and protector like I should have been for mumu. To my nephew and niece you lost your father but you gained three more. and you will not want for anything as long as there is breathe in our bodies. To everyone here let his death awake and fortify the loose bonds in your own families. Let his death be the push you need to seek help for drugs and depression. Let my brothers death not be in vain but to echo throughout eternity through the breaking of the shackles of addiction. Remember him that's all i ask is to remember him. Thank you.

Vision for 2014

My vision for this year is to seize and revisit life opportunities with a relentless tenacity with the prospect of lifelong equilibrium.

This is very flowery language of just saying that this year be about something. I have let some great opportunities slip through my fingers by misplacing my focus and therefore my energy. I am going to really pursue some things for myself this year. I want to look into my education past and present. I have already started on the physical but I need to maintain the commitment level that I've had in the past. Financially, I can and must be better. My spiritual must change and I must grow.

What's your vision for this year?

Ramblings of an Insomniac

I don't think I have ever been able to sleep normally, ever since giving up the booze, I don't even enjoy the refreshing black outs that once provided me with false rest. I know that this problem isn't unique and certainly isn't the minority of issues with friends. It just aggravates the living hell out of me. It is legit like torture. There is nothing on my mind. There is no work or personal related issues that is haunting me at the moment. I literally just cannot sleep. There are several "go tos" when I hit this wall. I usually play a game of chess on my tablet, I read a little bit on my kindle, I even say the sincerity prayer to give me mind some sense of comfort. I cant even find comfort in my false delusion of grandeur dreams. All of this and still tortured with an inability to sleep. I write as a last resort. I guess this thing is a sort of open letter to the masses. I guess I really am that fucked up.

2013 reflection

So, its hard not to write about 2013. It was definitely a tumultuous year for me. In April I celebrated one year with my company and by June I was promoted to be in the management program. I was moved to different stores to bring my talents there and be a catalyst for change. In March I pledged to stop drinking one day at a time with the help of AA and a sponsor. Dec 23rd I celebrated 9 months sober. In June I lost the most important female role model of my life, my grandmother. It was extremely difficult but I managed to make it through that without a drink and become a stronger person as a result. I haven't been this happy and content with my life in a long time. I am very pleased with what the future holds for me. I just have to keep working and moving forward and I believe that good things will happen in my life. It won't always be easy but as the old adage goes anything worth doing isn't easy.

Work and relationships

I have been burying myself in work the last couple of months. It has been very good for my career development but not so much for my personal development. Professionally, I am on track to accomplish great things in my career with my company. Sometimes I get pretty stressed out about the situations I put myself in and realize it is because I care too much. I really do want to be the best at what I am doing. Usually, my alcoholism buries any type of ambition or self motivation when it comes to work, but since that is a non factor now those traits are really shining through. I need to have a healthy balance though. One of the things that I recently brought up with a friend was trying to have a healthy balance of work fun and family. Finding an equilibrium between those three things will lead to a happy life. For me it is about getting away from the work. I mean not like I am going to completely disregard my job. I just mean really start enjoying my life more and live. I am more than ever conscious about my isolationism. I realize that one it is the first step to relapse. Two that just because I am not the alcoholically induced socialite, that my life is not over.

I started trying to date again and have already had some interesting experiences. I know that I am very picky and it is going to take a strong willed women to rein me in. I just have a great attraction to a woman with a grand personality. I mean a power woman through and through. I have had fake ones that think they have it all together but don't. I have been around attractive women who are just dumb and possess no real intelligence. I have been around women who think they are intelligent and just really aren't. I am more than aware of my flaws and know that I will never receive that total package. I often find myself questioning the woman that I don't find good enough. I also catch myself filling some emotional void for my female friends. I don't necessarily have a problem with this as long as we are both aware of the situation and understand that I am at no ones beckon called.

I find myself in some interesting situations this week and doing a little bit of introspection. It has been a while and I think this time it will do me some good.