School Daze

I've been laughing every time I walk on campus. The whole thing feels very surreal almost like a daze. I just remember  being on this campus of literally thousands of students and sticking out of the crowd. It's not like that anymore. I am an attention  whore and proudly admit it. This time though, it feels kind of good not to be in the spotlight. I keep my head down and do my work. I try not to talk in class unless I am forced. Even when I do I try to keep my participation to a quick and direct answer. I know my college experience is over. I'm not here to live the dream, I'm here to get that degree and move on. At times, I feel myself wanting to enter the fray  but work has been keeping me pretty busy. I juse like to stay busy nowadays. Writing all of this helps me keep the junk out of my head. I wonder where I would be if I never dropped out of school all those years ago.

Pseudo Relationships Part 2 (Updated post from 2009)

Pseudo relationships are a blight on my existence. Most relationships I have had with women tend to be of the pseudo persuasion. There are several pros but soooo many more cons to these kinds of relationships. The cons tend to be a compromising of your character i.e., a tendency to do things that go against your very nature in order to please the female in your pseudo relationship, a need to be the emotional pillow for said female, also an inherent loss of masculinity. The pros I feel are not really pros but false positive things we tend to make up in order to deal with the pseudo relationship. One of the biggest false positives we have is making up this reason that talking to the person gives us a sense of fulfillment that we could not receive anywhere else. Personally I think its bullshit. Another false positive is just having the token female presence in your life is sometimes good when you’re constantly in a sea of testosterone. The problem with pseudo relationships doesn't stem from the relationship themselves but from the people. The people that tend to get involved in these types of commitments are, let’s face it, pussies and I am talking about men and woman.

We all have problems and we try to find another person that can help us cope with our own bullshit while helping them cope with theirs. As I said before we use these particular people as emotional pillows while fulfilling that physical need with someone else. We enjoy the conversations and just genuinely being around that person so much that we won’t do anything to mess it up. Society today has been so compelled to put a label on something. However to do that, we feel we can upset the delicate balance that so many people in pseudo relationships work hard to establish. Another thing is that maybe the feelings are completely one sided and it seems like the other person likes us and likes the attention, the calls, the texts, the Facebook comments; when in reality they simply just like the attention. We, however, are so caught up in the possibility of them liking us that we are too blind to see and again we don’t want to ruin what we do have. We don’t want to turn the situation into something awkward and destroy the friendship. So we put up with it. Basically folks I am saying you’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t. It honestly depends how long you can stomach the situation.
That is all.

I wrote that in 2009 and wow how relevant is it today. I think this time around the difference between the man who wrote that article and the man I am now is that I don't put up with that shit anymore. I am told old for that nonsense. I believe you are in a relationship or not. I have way to many friends. We all try to satisfy that emotional need in various ways when we are not in a relationship and it is pretty unhealthy if we allow it to be. Even the friends with benefits situation is a slippery slope. It depends on the person if you can have the physical without the emotional but depending on who you are, it aint easy. The point to this all is that be honest with the person no matter what. I also changed the name of the blog, my sponsor thought it might be time.

Happiness

    I do not really sleep well anymore. I think a majority of it has to do with my weight but there is another part that has to do with my state of mind. Sometimes, I feel like I am like a spool of thread that is beginning to unravel. I know many of my friends would probably say that I've been that way for years now. I do not write as much on my blog because I often do feel like I do not have anything to say anymore.
    My brother and grandmother are dead. I do not have any love aspirations. I am a workaholic. I am still sober and I am currently enrolled in college again. It seems like a wonderfully monotonous life.
     I think I am going to start writing more regularly. It would help with my writing and it will help empty out the random ass thoughts that get stuck in my mind.

My brothers eulogy

First and foremost I would like to take this time to publicly thank my friends that have held my family up in prayer and donations. As a result my resolve to make it through this lost has remained fortified.
This was the hardest thing for me to write the various emotions were at times overwhelming. No words that I could pen were good enough. No memory precious enough. No brotherly analogy powerful enough. I couldn't decide whether or not to blame family members. I couldn't decide whether or not to voice my anger at him. I couldn't decide to whether or not really let myself feel this pain.

It finally occurred to me the lost feeling that has been resonating in my being was from the realization that a piece of my soul has forever been removed from this world. Even right now as I stand here the thought that wont relent is not my brother. At my brothers worst I couldn't help but love him. Devin had a beautiful soul and to know him was to love him. My family has always had more drama than a Spanish soap opera. We could never agree on a solution for my brother, however the commonality that we shared was our love for him.

As a brother if i had the power to remove the obsession of drugs from his heart and mind, I testify before God that I would have done so. My brother lived a tragic life. No one in this room will ever know the daily pain that he carried with him. No one will ever know the overwhelming pain in his last moments.

The lost of my brother was a wake up sign and a call to action for me. Dereck and David I promise to you never to be distant and to always love you no matter what. I will be your champion and protector like I should have been for mumu. To my nephew and niece you lost your father but you gained three more. and you will not want for anything as long as there is breathe in our bodies. To everyone here let his death awake and fortify the loose bonds in your own families. Let his death be the push you need to seek help for drugs and depression. Let my brothers death not be in vain but to echo throughout eternity through the breaking of the shackles of addiction. Remember him that's all i ask is to remember him. Thank you.

Vision for 2014

My vision for this year is to seize and revisit life opportunities with a relentless tenacity with the prospect of lifelong equilibrium.

This is very flowery language of just saying that this year be about something. I have let some great opportunities slip through my fingers by misplacing my focus and therefore my energy. I am going to really pursue some things for myself this year. I want to look into my education past and present. I have already started on the physical but I need to maintain the commitment level that I've had in the past. Financially, I can and must be better. My spiritual must change and I must grow.

What's your vision for this year?

Ramblings of an Insomniac

I don't think I have ever been able to sleep normally, ever since giving up the booze, I don't even enjoy the refreshing black outs that once provided me with false rest. I know that this problem isn't unique and certainly isn't the minority of issues with friends. It just aggravates the living hell out of me. It is legit like torture. There is nothing on my mind. There is no work or personal related issues that is haunting me at the moment. I literally just cannot sleep. There are several "go tos" when I hit this wall. I usually play a game of chess on my tablet, I read a little bit on my kindle, I even say the sincerity prayer to give me mind some sense of comfort. I cant even find comfort in my false delusion of grandeur dreams. All of this and still tortured with an inability to sleep. I write as a last resort. I guess this thing is a sort of open letter to the masses. I guess I really am that fucked up.

2013 reflection

So, its hard not to write about 2013. It was definitely a tumultuous year for me. In April I celebrated one year with my company and by June I was promoted to be in the management program. I was moved to different stores to bring my talents there and be a catalyst for change. In March I pledged to stop drinking one day at a time with the help of AA and a sponsor. Dec 23rd I celebrated 9 months sober. In June I lost the most important female role model of my life, my grandmother. It was extremely difficult but I managed to make it through that without a drink and become a stronger person as a result. I haven't been this happy and content with my life in a long time. I am very pleased with what the future holds for me. I just have to keep working and moving forward and I believe that good things will happen in my life. It won't always be easy but as the old adage goes anything worth doing isn't easy.